Fall
by Knox Chase
Summary: Gamzee is a high school student who suffers from mental disoder.This caused him to attack his friends. After lossing their trust and the love of his life he struggles to deal with day to day life.Tavros had always valued Gamzee's friendship but after everything thats happened he's worried he may lose his best friend for good.This story will have same sex ships and drug use.
1. sTaRt

**Before I forget to mention this KarKart will also be an important figure in this story (I would've put that in the discribtion but ran out of room) I Hope you all enjoy ^^**

**Fall: part one. Descend.**

Leaning your head back against the cool brick wall and sigh, a lazy grin spreading across your face.

_ FuUuUuCcK..._Man you had no idea what the hell you just took was but damn you were so motherfucking high. You were kinda worried when you found out you had lost your real meds after a long night with your friends and after everything that happen recently, with you losing your shit and stuff, your _really_ didn't want to risk going without anything again. Good thing you had friends who'd help a brother out, you really owe Sol one. You grin even wider at that thought before a small foot connected with your side.

"What the hell are you doing fuckass. Get of your half baked clown ass outside before I drag you out by your piercings and throw you out in front of a car!"A voice growled. Pushing your matted raven hair out of your face and fixed you glassy violet eyes on your ashen skinned friend. You guess he was or somethin' with pale gray skin and blood red eyes and all but, it's not like he'd tell you, Karkat could be really sensitive about shit like that.

"Gamzee...Gamzee. GAMZEE MAKARA!" shouted snapping you out of you thoughts.

"Oh...What? I'm sorry bro. I was all spaced out 'n shit" You laugh and pull out a can of Faygo from your hoodie pocket and slam the whole whole thing, the red syrupy liquid dribbling down your chin making your makeup run a bit.

"Come on get your lazy ass up. Nepeta just got out of the hospital and has been dying to see you. Not to mention you been avoiding everyone since last Saturday. You got us all really worried." Karkat half bossed half whispered, you didn't doubt it. You had flip your shit and could've killed three of your close friends and even if they forgave you that didn't mean everything was cool now. You couldn't risk hurting them again.

Karkat sighed already frustrated with you and tried to pull you to your feet, the sudden movement makes you stumbled and after a failed attempt to catch yourself you end up back on the lobby floor only with Karkat underneath you this time.

"Man, Karkat your chest is so motherfuckin' soft." You mummer rest your head on the smaller teen's chest and laughing at the flustered look on his face. Karkat may not be the most innocent of guys but he was shy as hell and it always brought a smile to your face.

"Dammit Gamzee! Get the fuck off! What if Terezi comes looking for us?" Karkat growled and tried to crawl out from under you, causing the front of his pants to brush up against your face in the process. You grin widely at the movement while your friend only gave you a slightly mortified look before quickly scrambling away, face red and tugging down his shirt. You shrug and ran your fingers through your hair. Your were more than happy that your best buddy had a real relationship with someone but, it still hurt your feels when he acted like everything that happened between the two of you was the worst thing ever.

"Look bro, ain't nothing to be asham-"

"Just shut up and head outside!" Karkat snapped. You frowned a bit and look down at your left hand. Right where your thumb and finger met you had the symbol for cancer tattooed along with 4/15 on of the more happier days of your friendship, even if Karkat would never admit it even to himself. The two of you headed out to the courtyard. Most of the seniors would head home instead of hanging around school at the end of the day but, this free period was the only time you ever saw everyone so you all agreed to meet there everyday you could.

"GAMZEEEeeeeee!" Was the only warning you received before being struck by a flying blur of blue and green, knocking you to the ground. You give a toothy grin at Nepeta dressed in the usual blue kitty-cat hat and green hoodie three times her size.

"The mighty huntress says upon pouncing her best furrend." She smiled down at your white and pale purple face.

"HeEy my wicked sista' hows your head and all?" You ask as Karkat took his place next to Terezi a little ways away. Nepeta tilted her head and pouted a bit.

"'It's all good' Ac says confused." You smile and pull her into a hug, your were really scared that you may have done something irreversible after you through her so hard.

"Oh! Befur you ask Equius is fine too. He's just using this as an excuse to get out of school for a bit. They let him out 'bout two days after the whole thing. The meany! Making all of us worry!" You smile and push her off you gently. She smiled and caught you staring over at Karkat and his girl and nodded knowingly.

"That's a motherfuckin' miracle." You said halfheartedly wishing it was you making Karkat act all flustered and shy the way Terezi was. The smaller teen was freaking out over having his faced licked, much to everyone's amusement.

"Gamzee..You miss Karkitty don't you?" Nep asked. You gave her a small smile and patted her head.

"Hell" You started chewing a few more pills. "I miss alla 'em. I know they all up and forgave me and shit but... Can't help but feel everyone up and got their scared on 'cause'a me." You said sadly but smiled. No matter how much it hurt you couldn't find it in you to blame them. Hell, even you were scared of you too.

"They're just not sure what to say." She said dropping the role-play and silly talk for a moment. "I'm sure they all still love you. We're just really confused about what happened, especially since Karkitty won't talk about it..." You shrug and continued looking over at your friends, as much as you hated keeping secrets you really didn't want everyone knowing you suffered from schizophrenia. You saw that both Karkat and Sollux were both wailing on Eridan and Feferi seemed to have walked off with Terezi in a huff, leaving Tavros alone while Kanaya tried her best to control the situation. A huge wave of guilt hit you as you watched your shy friend stare at the ground and pretend not to bothered by the fact the group had seemed to have forgotton him again. Next to Karkat, Tavros was probably one of your closest friends and you had really terrified him.

_DaMmIt!_ You thought shoving more pills in your mouth. You had grown really attached to Tav and now you probably screwed everything up! You closed your eyes and hoped the pills worked fast. The anti-depressants Sol gave you really help keep your mood swings in check but, they weren't as effective as your usual meds (or weed for that matter) and they didn't keep the voices or the violent images that assaulted your mind at bay. You really needed to calm your ass down and just go with the flow. Everything would work out just fine, as long as you had faith in your miracle and just went with it.


	2. sT-sTAND

"Hey Tavros." Karkat waved stiffly and very out of character. Lately everyone's been kinda- well...really nice ever since you got hurt, again. You guess Karkat felt bad for everything that happened. He said he was supposed to look after Gamzee during times like that, guess it was some deal him and Gamzee made back when they were younger. You guess that Gamzee is sick or something to act like that… You mean you were there and you're still unsure of what exactly happened. It happened pretty fast. Karkat, Gamzee, Nepeta and yourself had all been hanging out with Equius at his house. Gamzee had been acting strangely the days before hand, jumping at voices, looking at everyone as if he couldn't quite see them. He even stopped drinking Faygo for a few days! You and Karkat had been admiring some of the cool medieval weapons Equius loved to collect when you had herd Nepeta screaming in the other room, Karkat had figured Nep was being her usual overly excited self but, you still ran to see what all the fuss was about. What you saw still gave you chills. What set Gamzee off? All you remember was seeing Equius lying on the floor, the cord of broken bow wrapped around his neck. Next thing you knew Nepeta was thrown against a wall. Hard- hard enough for you to hear a crack and see blood trickle from the back of her head. You aren't sure what you said but, you remember trying to talk to your friend, despite having just seen him throw a girl across the small room you were still scared for him. Gamzee would never hurt his friends hell, half the time he wouldn't care enough to hurt his enemies and even with a sharp piece of the bow in his hands and bloody scratches across his face he didn't look angry. He look scared, terrified like he couldn't even recognize who you were. The next part was a little fuzzy in your memory. One moment Gamzee was looking at – through you – the next he was standing in front of you, a large piece of carved wood sticking out of your stomach.

"….Of the hothpital?" Someone asked you bringing you back to reality.

"Huh?"

"Do you know when Equith ith gonna be back at thchool?" Sollux asked, obviously trying to ignore the two happy couples around him, seeing how he had a long time crush on both Karkat and Feferi.

"O-oh um….N-Nepeta said he'll be back by...uh, Monday I think." You stutter. You really hated how you had such a hard time finding confidence in your words. You really hoped Equius was alright though. You really owe him seeing how he helped make your new legs and all. Gamzee too. Gamzee had spent months secretly saving up money (who knows where he got it) to help cover half the cost. You smile to yourself thinking of the his white and pale plum face and his lazy smile.

"Wwell I think you should'vve had Gam throwwn in prison! Wwhat friend stabs their best buddy?"

"Eridan!" Feferi scolded.

"Theriouthly Ampora! What givth you the right?" Sollux jumped in more than happy to get on Eridan's case.

"Well, Eridan actually does have a point. What Gamzee did was pretty odd and quite frankly it frightens me just to hear about the event." Kanaya spoke up. Yo felt your heart sink very time one of your friends said something bad about Gamzee. Several times you had opened to stand up for your best friend but the words and confidence both failed you at the last second.

"Look, I know what happened was pretty fucking weird but, _it wasn't his fault._" Karkat stressed the last part. Although you'd never admit it you were kinda jealous of Karkat for many reasons. On was that he was always really confident in his words, even if he was too loud and often times wrong but, there was another more important reason why would feel envious of the boss little albino.

_hE'S GAMZEE'S BEST FRIEND..._You thought sadly looking over to where the clown was sitting. He and Nepeta, another good friend of yours, had been sitting there chatting for a while but, now Gamzee had turned away from here and fixed his eyes over at your group. You started to raise your hand to wave before you realized that his purple gaze was fixed on Karkat who sat on a bench behind you. Or was until he hopped over you and grabbed Eridan by his shirt. You were so lost in thoughts that you hadn't even noticed that the fight about Gamzee had continued and was now at a boiling point.

"SHUT THE HELL UP AMPORA!" Karkat hollered into Eridan's face. You've seen hi mad before but, not like this. Sollux who usually more then ready to prove himself in front of Feferi and take Eridan down and even he was holding Karkat back. Karkat was still yelling and trying to get a good swing at the smug swimming jock.

"SAY ONE MORE THING ABOUT GAMZEE AND I'LL GUT WITH THE DULLEST FUCKING SICKLE I OWN." Eridan just grinned and ran a hand through his two-toned hair.

"Well, Vantas. If I didn't know any better I'd say we were in the scarlette throwes for him." He said so calmly that almost no one heard him save for you, Karkat and Sol. Karkat's face went ghostly pale and stood still for so long that Sollux released his grip on him. Terezi and Feferi both left sickened by their respective boyfriends' actions and Kanaya had stuck around to help control the situation before she too gave up.

"What did you say?" Karkat whispered glaring at the ground.

"You herd me. I think you got a sick little cru-" Was all that Eridan got out before Karkat finally snapped and begain pounding his face in. You just sat and watched, not that you didn't want to like Sol was it's just you weren't sure what to do.. Yeah Eridan had it coming but Karkat was out of control.

"Karkat!" It takes you a minute before you relize you were the one who spoke. Karkat froze in mid-swing and looked at you.

"K-Karkat..." Your usual stutter returns. " Thats enough... H-h-he's really n-not w-worth it." Sollux stared at you his 3D like glass cracked a bit.

"Come on, he's right." Sollux said tugging Karkat away and nodding in your direction and leaving Eridan on the ground. You walk over to the bloody and dirty jock and offered him your hand.

"I wwasn't expecting that."

"W-w-what?"

"You stand up to someone." Eridan smiled and offered the creep on back.

"M-me too."


	3. REGRET

**Note** There is some naughtiness in this Chp(sorry if it sucks it's my first time writing something like that ^^;) But there's also important info. on Gamzee's and Karkat's relationship so please don't skip whole chp if the naughty bit offends you. Just skip that part and read the rest. If this doesn't bother you please read it to your hearts content. ^^**

"Nnngh" you groan and sit up in your bed you really hated not being able to sleep and the fact that the only thing keeping you was your guilt over kicking Eridan's sorry prissy ass was just pissing you off. You grumble to your self and reach for your laptop laying on the small table beside you knocking over a binder and causing several papers to come loose and fall out. You growl opening your laptop for some light and began to snatch up the papers while hanging halfway off your bed. Most of your friends knew that binder was more of a journal (of sorts) and everything in it was private, not that stopped Dave or John from trying to peek at it.

As you pick up the last paper and the binder itself and set them on the bed. Turning it over you see it was a drawing, you smile to yourself and let admire it for a moment. You mean no ones looking right? The thing about your 'journal' was aside from a few failed computer programs you started nothing in there had to do with you or was even made be you for that matter. It was all Gamzee and his drawings. You two were closer than anybody ever really thought. After his mom died Gamzee's dad threw himself into his work and ended up spending most of his time in over seas for NatGeo, and well Gamzee's brother, a good fifthteen years older than Gam, was already in jail for the second time so your dad took him in. You two had lived in the same house for about ten years and were as close as brothers.

The drawing you held in your hands was on of the last one Gamzee gave you.

It was self portrait of Gamzee done in black charcoal. Despite being a little, okay really odd it was one of your favorites. For once the damn freak had brushed his hair and took off his makeup and piercings, leaving him -well really naked looking good thing Gamzee didn't like drawing himself much otherwise you'd get an eye full.

_LIKE ITS NOT SOMETHING YOU HAVEN'T SEEN BEFORE._ You frown at that thought and shove the drawing and rest of the papers back into the binder. You really didn't want think about that now and that you got the images in your head you couldn't forget.

"Damnit Gamzee." You growl as if he was responsible for the problem you were now facing, like it wasn't bad enough he made you get a hard on school. Sighing and and abandoning your laptop (you didn't trust the webcam to stay off since it's come on twice by itself before.) you sit back in bed and pull yourself free from your boxers. God you really hated doing things like this but, as much as you hated to admit it just thinking about Gamzee excited you and you half regretted ending what was going on between the two of you. Whatever that was...

Biting your lip you palm your growing erection and began pumping your fist, kinda slow at first but, picking up speed as you allow yourself to think about things that would normally embarrass the hell out of you. You close your eyes and rock your hips into your hand as images of yourself tied up and gagged enter your mind. Your eyes snap open and you blush furiously. Why the hell would want to think of that?! It was embarrassing! You groan low in your throat, fuckit as humilulating as it was it was one the hottest things you ever done. Pumping your fist faster and slipping your other hand behind you to tease yourself further, you continue with the memory propping yourself up on your knees so it was easier to thrust into your hand. Moaning shamelessly as you remembered the way sharp teeth dug into your shoulders and rough hands gripped you. Hands tied tied behind your back the only thing you could do was watch as Gamzee had teased and tormented you until you were more than ready to beg.

_"Kartkat"_ You moan remembering how he growled your name into your neck,his lip ring scraping across your sensitive skin. Feeling a pooling deep in your belly and the pressure in your cock build you slip a finger inside you and groan loudly.

"G-Gam..zee" You panted working both your hands quickly as you got closer and closer. Leaning back on your hand as you moved your finger in and out of yourself, that was it took moments afterwards you were spilling yourself all over your hand. You remove your hands and released a muffled groan into your pillow.

_GOD FUCKING DAMNIT_! Guess this proves how 'over' the makeup wearing freak you were. DAMNIT! Why'd you end it with him? Because of your stupid pride? Because you weren't gay, at least not for anyone else... Pulling your blanket around you you shake and fought back tears._ WHY DOES THIS HURT SO MUCH?_ You weren't even gay so would walking away from him hurt? _IT'S YOUR FAULT YOU KNOW... WHY THIS HURTS.. WHY YOUR FRIENDS GOT HURT._ You shook your head sobbing now but, it was true. If you hadn't ignored all the texts and emails you got from Gamzee after you broke up(?) with him you would known he lost his pills and needed help. You would've known his hallucinations were getting bad and you would've know he need you to take to the hospital for his scripts.

You cry hard desperately wishing that you could talk to Terezi about this, you could tell her anything but, you hadn't even mentioned Gamzee to her. Feeling dirty and ashamed in more ways than one you curl up in your safety blanket and cry yourself to sleep.


	4. nIgHtMaRe

_It's dark, the voices so loud you can barely think and feel your heart beating your body from inside out. Why does is hurt? Dammit! If you could just think...One of the voices keeps getting louder and lower. It's low buzzing is driving nails into your skull. jUsT bE qUiEt...PlEaSe...ShUt Up! But the voice just carries on as if it can't hear you begging. Buzzing away getting louder and louder._

_"Shutup!" You scream cracking the first thing you grab against the voice. The thing breaks and wraps around the voice._

_"Shut up! Shut UP! SHUTUP!" You scream tears streaking down your face, desperate to stop the noise and the pain it's causing. Red, red, everything's bright red. It's on your hands and pouring down. Are you hurt? Who hurt you? Shrieking - whailing, another voice!? Pain, white hot pain. The voice is at your back beating down while your heart still beats your body from within. It hurts. AH! More pain, stinging, burning across your face. You jerk and two sounds happen at once, the slicing of flesh and a sick, wet crack. Red! Red! Red! More voices?_

_"Leave me alone!" You cry, why did everything hurt? You can't see, why can't you see? Just red everywhere...The noise stop. The red has faded and suddenly you wish for it to come back, because all around you were your friends laying murdered in pools of the brightest red you've seen._

"NO!" You scream and wake with a start crashing on top of a nearby glass table causing it to shatter under your weight. "Motherfucker!" You growl kicking the useless thing across the room. Carefully you lift yourself out of the mess of glass and blood. _fUcK._ That shit hurt. You sit up panting and try not to move much more than that. Most of the glass was in the arm you landed on but a good number of it in your side and hip as well. You hear someone knocking on your door.

"Gamzee? You okay?" You hear John ask on the other side. You chuckle a bit and groan loudly at the pain it caused.

"It's open man." You manage to get out before groaning again. God you really hated pain. Jade pushed her way past John and knelt beside you and gasped. You just smile and and laugh a bit wincing at the pain. "It's cool sis, just up and fell off the motherfuckin' couch is'al" You grin to show her you were alright.

"John, don't come in. There's blood all over here." Jade said carefully pulling glass out your side making wince but other than that you make no signs of discomfort. Didn't want to freak your sis out.

"Jesus Gamzee what'd you do?" John asked picking up the glass and trying very hard not to look at you. "Throw a party without us?" You laugh again making Jade frown as she pulled more glass out of your side and hip while you worked on your arm.

"Another bad dream?" She asked and moved your thick black hair out of your face and pulled a few shards from your face.

"When do I don't?" you crack a smile as blood started running down your face. John paled at the sight making you grin wilder. Man, if these guys weren't your friends they'd probably be scared shittless at the sight of smiling blood-covered clown like you.

"Relax brother, just looks lik'lot. Ain't much ad'al. Few motherfuckin' cuts and scrapes. Be up and Motherfuckin' fine inna bit." He nodded and paled.

"Hey sis, don't you got something for Gam?" John asked looking over at his sister. Jade gave him a blank stare before looking down at the many colorful threads tied around her fingers. Her eyes rest on a bright purple one.

"OH! I almost forgot!" She cried out reaching into her pocket and pulling out an orange plastic bottle. Your eyes went wide and your grin stretched across your face your first real smile in almost two weeks. "Found it in a pizza box under the couch." Jade said with a happy smile while John quietly excused himself.

"Thats motherfuckin' bitchtits wicked!" You laugh forgetting your wounds and hugged her close. It was nice to know you still had a couple friends who cared for you. After quick goodbyes and a promise to keep better track of your pills the two siblings left. Since most of the bleeding stopped you decided to put off cleaning yourself off for a bit and see what time it was. Flipping up open your laptop (which you got from your nearby backpack.) you saw that it was only eight and still Friday. dAmN...You had been hoping you'd wake up closer to sunday afternoon so that you'd only have half the weekend to deal with being alone. There were very few things you hated and being alone topped the list, after ICP. Motherfuckers be mocking your religion and shit.

Sighing you log onto PesterChum and see you were massaged while back by both Tavros and Karkat.

~carnicoGenecist began pestering terminallyCapircious~

CG: HEY GAMZEE, LOOK. i'M SORRY I BLEW OFF. I WAS JUST REALLY CONFUSED ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT WAS GOING BETWEEN US AND... FUCK. I KNOW THAT GAVE ME NO RIGHT TO IGNORE YOU WHEN YOU NEEDED ME. BUT, WE WERE LIKE.. FUCKIT I DON'T EVEN KNOW ANYMORE.

CG: JUST KNOW I'M SORRY OKAY?

CG: I'M GOING TO LET YOU GO NOW. BYE.

~carnicoGenecist ceased pestering terminallyCapircious~

You sigh and decide against replaying because you know it would just make things even more confusing for your best friend. You close out of that text box and open up Tavros's message.

~adiosToreador began pestering terminallyCapircious~

AT: uH, hEY GAMZEE,,,wHAT'S UP?

You smile and maybe you wouldn't have to spend the whole weekend alone after all.

TC: hEeY My WiCkEd BrOtHeR.

TC: wHaT'S uP AnD hApPeNiNg?

**Heh sorry I just had to do a cliffhanger here. But the next chapter will make up for it PROMISE!**


	5. sT-sTUPID

TC: wHaT's Up AnD hApPeNiNg?  
You felt a smile spred across your face and run a hand through your chocolate colored hair, it was getting a little shaggy again.  
AT: uH NOTHING REALLY. mOM WENT OUT OF TOWN AGAIN,,,,,um,, yOU WANNA cOME OVER?  
You blush, it wasn't much of a secret that you had a crush on your best friend. Anyone who had seen the two of you together could see that.  
TC: hElL yEaH mOtHeRfUcKeR! bE rIgHt ThErE.  
You smile even wider and lean over to wheel yourself away from the computer desk and nearly fell out of your chair. You had gotten so used to your wheel-chair that you often forgot that you had legs now. Standing up you turn and stretching, you wonder if you had enough time to grab a quick shower before Gamzee showed up. The door bell rang down stairs.  
_ gUESS NOT..._You smile pulling on a t-shirt and a pair shorts.  
"H-hey Gamzee." You call from the hall. Gamzee had already let himself in and took over the couch taking up over half of it in the process, he stood up to give you a hug but you pushed him away.  
"Uh...G-g-Gamzee. Is t-that...blood?" You ask taking note of your friend's outfit. It was the usual black and grey spotted pajama pants, purple shirt and black hoodie but, half of it looked stiff and was caked with something dark and sticky looking.  
"Oh...yeah... Up and had a motherfuckin' accident before I came over. Guess I forgot 'bout it." Gamzee shrugged and started to pull off his shirt. You felt your face grow flush as Gam stripped in front of you.  
"G-Gamzee! Gamzee!" You shout pulling his hoodie back down. Gamzee just gave you a goofy bloodstained grin.  
"Looks like I'm stayin' the night, Tavbro." He grinned standing up and heading down the hall stripping to his boxers on the way there, much to your embarrassment. You laugh and cover your face with your hands. Gamzee was a lot of things but he really wasn't shy. You tip your head back and silently will your heart to calm down. Even though you've had him over dozen of times you still got nervous and shy around him, especially when he did stuff like that. Sighing you pop in a scary movie, you didn't care for them but, Gamzee was crazy over them. You managed to make it into about fifteen minutes of the movie before you started to feel scared. Suddenly something hot and wet wrapped around you neck.  
" EEeep" You squeak body tensing before you recognize the low chuckle and thick earthy behind you.  
"What'cha watchin' Tavbro?" Gamzee asked his words more slurred than usual. You blush as one of his many peircings scrape across your neck.  
"Uh...It's c-c-called Silent Hill." You stutter as Gamzee burried his face in your hair muttering something along the lines of 'so motherfuckin soft'. "G-Gamzee you wanna...sit over here?" You ask patting the spot beside you. Your friend shrugged and plopped down beside you and layed his head in your lap. Blushing furiously as you realize your friend was not only sopping wet but, he was also barely dressed. Wearing nothing save for piercings and boxers witch clug to his thin wet frame and left very little to the imagination. Doing your best to avoid from staring at one certain area you decide to count every bit of metal and ink covering your friend.  
_ oNE BELLY BUTTON RING AND A TATTOO OF A BUTTERFLY WITH THE DATE 5/18 ON HIS CHEST_. You counted on with a grand total of three visible tattoos witch were the butterfly and the zodiac signs Karkat and Nepeta and eleven piercings (you really hoped there weren't any where you couldn't see) the belly button ring, one eyebrow, one lip, three in the right ear and five in the left. _wOW._ You thought smiling. Who knew someone could wear so much jewelry and barely have it seen.  
"What'cha starin at Tavbro?" Gamzee asked making you stiffen as you caught yourself staring at what you were trying so hard to keep your mind off of.  
"N-nothing!" You stammer and blush as Gamzee wrapped a long thin arm around your neck and pulled you down so the to of you were face to face. Just then you realize this is the first time you've ever seen Gamzee without his makeup. You shyly brush your finger tips across the three deep scars that ran across his face. Gamzee fixed his deep violet eyes on you and frowned slightly before sitting up and pushing your hand away.  
"Look Tavbro, I'm...I'm real motherfuckin sorry for what happened." Gamzee shifted and pulled up your shirt, shocked by the sudden action you just bit your lip and watched as Gamzee placed a soft kiss on the scar where he stabbed you. Blushing furiously as you stare down at the pale face you looking up at you, you find courage you never thought you had.  
"Gamzee. I... I l-"  
_"Come on get up get down with the sickness!"_ You were cut off by Gamzee's phone ringing in his hoodie pocket on the ground nearby. Groaning you best friend got up off your lap and grabbed the phone answering it as he walked down the hall. You blush and give a low groan of frustration. Had you really been about to confess to Gamzee? You didn't even know if the guy was gay! You cover your face with your hands and huff, suddenly wishing you were a stupid kid in one of Gamzee's movie. At least they died before did anything _that_ unbelievably stupid.  
Sighing you turn your attention back to the movie and try desperately not to think about Gamzee's kiss the rest of the night.


	6. Half Confessions

**Sorry if this is alil' confusing... ^^; just wanted to try and do a chp with everyone in it. Let me know what you all think. If you like it I'll do a few more chp this way! ^^**

"What's up motherfucker?" You answer turning away from the blushing, dust colored teen, much to your displeasure. You had been dying to get over all the red feels you held for Karkat and that cute little motherfucker was the only one who could make you forget all the hard times in your life.  
"Hey fuckass." You frown a bit and walk further down the hall. gReAt.  
"What's happenin' best friend?" You ask sadly. "Up and thought you didn't want anything to do with me anymore..."  
"What? NO! Gamzee look..." Karkat huffed and then sighed on the other end of the phone. "I miss you..." He said softly.  
"What about Terezi? Ain't you got mad red feels for her?" You grip the doorway beside you tightly and rest your head against the frame._ dAmMiT kArKaT dOn'T dO tHiS tO mE!_ You silently begged, you couldn't take this right now.  
"She's..She's not you. I love her but.._" fUcK_! Why'd he have to sound so sweet, so god damn vulnerable?  
"Karkat don't." You beg trying to keep your voice steady but, it shook and gripped the door frame tighter the sharp edge digging into your hand_. gOd FuCkInG dAmMiT!_ Tears streamed down your face. It wasn't bad enough he tore your heart out before he had to come back for more.  
"Gamzee, pl-"  
"NO KARKAT!" You yelled into the the phone. "You don't...you.." You sob loudly. Half the time you didn't care if you were being used. You just went with the flow, trust in the miracles around you. In all honesty you like helping your friends get over unreturned red feels and all the pain that came with them but, when it came to Karkat... you just.. lost it. The one person you ever really cared for had used and left you. fUcK...  
" I just want you to know-"  
"I know."  
"DAMNIT GAMZEE LET ME TALK!"  
"No! I don't wanna hear it! I fucking heard it all before and I'm done! I'M fucking done Karkat!"  
"But..." You heard you best friend stifle a sob._ nO pLeAsE dOn'T..._ You thought gripping the wood hard enough to cause bruises.  
"Kk, I love you. You...you know that... you've always known. It's.. just"  
"I lov-"

"You don't... you just got your guilt on over everythin' that happened." You sob. _dAmMiT_!

"I'm sorry Gamzee. I never meant to-"

"I know."

"I shouldn't have le-"

"It's okay."

"I just..."

"Thought you loved me back..."

"I'm sorry"

"Me too Karkat. Me too.." You sigh hanging up and throwing the phone down the hall, making Tavros shriek. You pull away from the doorframe and curl up into a ball. It hurt, everything hurt again. You couldn't breath your chest burned as your heart hammered away beating you down. Sobbing to your self you didn't hear Tavros walk up to you.

* * *

You stare at the phone in your hand._ DAMNIT!_ Why'd you have to be so fucking stupid. Yes! Let's just call up your best friend and rip out his heart again! What fucking wonderful idea! Way to go Vantas! Why not bring up the fact that while he's still not getting over you you're fucking one your best friends. A person you used to hate! You sigh and toss your phone on the table nearby and look over at the sleeping face of your girlfriend._ GAMZEE WAS RIGHT THOUGH_. You never did love him, at least not the way he loved you. You were just confused and now you had to deal with the guilt of using, abandoning and hurting him. All so you could figure out whether or not you were gay. (d akTurns out you weren't really. Only two guys could ever get you up.) Now Gamzee, your best friend, someone who was practically your brother was dying inside and it was all your fault. You pull Terezi close as your body starts to shake.

"What's a matter Karkles?" She asked burying her face in your chest. It may have taken forever for the two of you to warm up to each other but, now you two shared everything. "Gamzee again?"

"Yeah..." You nod burying your face in her auburn hair.

"Look, whatever is going on between you two is your business but, just know I'm here for you." She sighed. You had told somethings but not everything. Like the fact that you and Gamzee were romantically involved for almost two years.

"Yeah...I know." You sigh thinking about certain rainy April night.

"I know."

* * *

Shocked you stare at your your friend who sat in the doorway of your bathroom. Gamzee smiled up at you, his eyes were rimmed red and his cheeks were wet but, he just stared up and smiled as though nothing was wrong. You had only seen this boy cry once before and not even when he broke eight toes after dropping a juggling pin on them or even when he crashed his unicycle through a glass door and tore his arm to shreds or that time your mom had accidentally hit him with her car! The only time you seen Gamzee cry was the night he stabbed you.

"G-Gamzee?" You ask hesitantly, fearing that your friend may have snapped and hurt himself.

"I'm fine Tavbro, just got my feels all out of wack." He sighed tugging on the pant leg of his nearby jeans, causing them to snap towards him and pulled out a large orange plastic bottle. After shaking out four pills (your pretty sure that was more than what was needed) and chewing them he grinned widely.

"That should help." You offer a half smile and offer him your friend a hand. Gamzee took your hand pulled you down making you stumble and landing roughly on your butt across form him. You barely had enough time to recover from your recent fall before Gamzee crawled onto your lap and into your arms.

"Uh...g-Gamzee...?" You blush silently praying he would be too high to notice the slight problem you were having as he rested his cheek on you shoulder.

"Shhh, motherfucker. You wanna help?" Gamzee purred his low rumbling voice softer than usual. You blushed and nodded, nerviously wrapping your arms around the slim wet frame in front of you.

"Just. Let me sit for bit. Please motherfucker?" Gamzee asked trembling as much as his voice was. You nodded and pull him closer, screw the fact that having him this close was driving you crazy, you friend needed you and you were going to be there for him just like he was there for you.

"Y-yeah. Sure Gamzee..." Pulling him close and holding very way he held you as wept for your lost legs.

_"Don't cry Tavbro. I promise I'll get you a motherfuckin brand new pair of legs. You'll see Kay bro?"_ You close your eyes and tried to stay strong as you best friend shook, shedding hot tears onto your shoulder.

"Uh... Gamzee?..." You ask softly. "D-did you lose... Something?" Gamzee lifted his head and gave you a confused look.

"Yeah... Kinda man." You stare down into those royal purple eyes and smile softly.

"W-whatever it is... I'll m-motherfuckin get you a brand new one." You laugh as Gamzee's eyes lit up.

"I promise because...b-because Gamzee..." You bit your lip. _dAMNIT._ Why couldn't you say it? " I. I really want you to be h-happy. Y-your my best friend and y-you don't deserve all this h-hurt. Clowns s-should be happy." You stutter and smile as lazy smirk stretched across Gamzee's face.

"You know brother you motherfuckin cute as hell when you stutter like that." Gamzee said climbing out of your lap and helping you up. You still had trouble with your new legs. Blushing both of you pop in a game and spend the rest of the night trying to out do each other at Mario Kart.

Gamzee looked over at you and grinned widely making the scars across his face stretch. You smile back at the fearsome and welcome sight and laugh as Gamzee drove his character of the course.

_tOMORROW. i'LL TELL HIM TOMORROW._ You thought smiling to yourself. In the meantime you didn't mind staying like this, as best bros_. jUST FOR A LITTLE WHILE LONGER_. Grinning as Gamzee rested his sleepy head on your shoulder.


	7. wAkE uP cAlL

Groaning you wake up with a face full of dark shaggy hair and your arms around someone. Shaking your head and groaning you sit up to get a better look at the person you had curled yourself around. Smiling as you instantly recognized the small dust colored teen with a boyish face. Oh, thats right you spent the night with Tavros after he noticed you clothes were all bloody. Grinning down at the slightly freckled face that snored softly up at you, you realize that that was the first time you had ever slept without nightmares.

"Thanks Tavbro" You say to your sleeping friend, leaning down to place a kiss on his lips. You grin wickedly and weigh your options. Either Tav would stay asleep and never notice or would wake up and just sit there embarrassed. Leaning down you press your lips to your friend's. Tavros made a small noise and shifted under you. You smile again and kiss him rougher this time, Tavros moaned allowing you to slip your eager tongue inside. The smaller teen under you shuddered and much to your surprised wrapped a sleep heavy arm around you and kissed you back. You pull away to catch your breath.  
"Tav. Tavbro you awake?" You asked really hoping your buddy was awake, or at least awake enough to realize that it was you he was kissing. Tavros just panted a bit and turned his head, muttering something you couldn't quite understand. You shrugged, even if he was sleepy your little bro seemed more than happy to kiss you and you weren't about to pass up the only chance you had. Taking advantage of the fact that Tavros had now exposed his neck you carefully plant a few soft kisses there before lapping lower at his collarbone, accidently (more or less) pressing your pelvis into his. The younger teen groaned and tossed his head back. Grinning wildly you repeated the action.  
"Gamzee..." Tavros moaned and shuddered wrapping his arms around you, pulling you down and erasing the last shred of space between your bodies.  
"Fuck...Tavbro..." You groan. Damn, if he keep moving against you like that, you do something you'd regret.  
"Tav," You groan rest your head on his shoulder. fUcK... Tavros just continued rolling his hips into yours thinking was all just a dream while you were pinned to his chest trying your best to stay still and keep your hands to yourself._ iT dIdN't FeEl ThIs GoOd WiTh Kk._ You thought bracing your hand against the arm of the couch.  
"Gamzee" Tavros's sleepy voice panted. Damnit! You gritted your teeth, you had to wake him up otherwise you'd be to tempted to fuck him right then and there.  
"Wake up." You growled and sunk your teeth into you friends neck hoping the pain would wake him up.  
"Gam-zee!" He called out digging his nails into your back as he body tensed. Realizing what just happened you quickly release your grip on his neck, a hot blush turning you pale face bright red. Tavros was now both very awake as well as embarrassed and staring down at your cherry colored face.  
"G-Gamzee...?"His voice shook. oH fUcK. Tavros pushed you off like you had burned him and stared at the floor mortified. Although you were taller than Tav he was much stronger than you after years in a wheel chair, his push sent you flying into the coffee table not only causing you hit your head but, to land flat on your ass legs spred, making your hard on stand out even further.  
"O-ohMyGOD! G-g-Gamzee, I- I didn't mean to, to do that! To you. I'm s-s-sorry!" Tavros stammered and covered his face with his hands. You sat up laughing, that probably wasn't that best thing to do since your best buddy was freaking out but, you just couldn't help it. He was freaking out over a wet dream that you caused. You grin like a lunatic and stand lifting Tavros's chin up so you wouldn't poke him in the face. After all just cause he was hot for you in his dreams didn't mean he really wanted you, sigh remembering a freaky ass dream where you slept with a dog( something you'd never. Do in real life) and woke up with wet sheets.  
"Why the hell would I up and get mad over a cute ass mitherfucker like you dreaming away bout me?" You ask giggling like a fool.  
"Y-you're? You... You're gay?" Tavros stuttered his childish face growing even more flustered as he stared up at you with the prettiest amber eyes you've ever seen. You shrug and grin.  
"Can't help it. If a fuckers cute I up and get mad red feels for 'em. Brother or sis it don't mean much to me. 'Ust 'long as they're cute." Tavros nodded and ended up brushing his face against your tented boxers. He flushed the brightest shade of red you've ever seen. You grinned and turned away, no point in embarrassing a brother more than you had already, you started to to look for pants.  
"W-wait!" Tavros cried snatching up your hand causing you to turn back around. You smile down at your shy friend. Tavros looked up at you for minute before speaking. "G-Gamzee I've uh... Well I've..." Your eyes wided when you reconized the soft tone and shyness you've seen before.  
"No!" You shout covering your friends face with your hands. You knew what was coming and you didn't want to hear it. No more lies, especially from him. "Please don't say that! Ever okay?!" You half beg half shout, last thing you need was someone mocking your feelings or pretending that they loved you. You didn't need fake love. That's what Karkat and your family was for.  
Tavros seemed to understand, at least the fact that you couldn't handle hearing that.  
"S-sorry Gamzee." He sighed under your hands and reached for your boxers. "At-t least... Let me uh... M-make it up to you?" He asked shyly blushing the whole time. You gently removed his hands and shook your head.  
"Nah Tavbro, I think I just should up and head home. Slam some wicked elixure and chill the fuck out. Got some shit that needs some motherfuckin' tendin to." Offer your friend a half smile and pull up your still bloody pants and retrieve the three jars inside, figuring that the rest of your clothes were to much of a mess to wear. You swallow about six pills and quickly swipe on your white and pale purple face paint on your way out the door, turning to wave your friend goodbye before leaving. You felt kinda bad for ditching Tav but as much you would love to bed the motherfucker and kill your red feels for Karkat at the same time you just couldn't use him like that. You have other friends for these kinds of things. You smirk and pull out your phone and press speed dial.  
"Hey motherfucker!"

**Sorry for another cliffhanger! But, Trust me it'll be worth it next time!** ^^ **Welll, while I'm here I would like to say thanks to everyone who's followed, faved, reviewed or just took time out of their day to read my fanfic.**

****Gives hugs to everyone who'd take them*** THANK YOU! Seeing you guys liking my story really makes my day ^^ *buddle anime hearts and fan sparkles***


	8. Karkat: SCREW UP ROYALLY

**HEya,Hiya! Sorry I was gonna have this out yesterday but couldn't get my intternet to work ^~^ but, i fixed so its's a bit better so theres a plus ^^. Well off to chp 9. Love's ya fangirls/boys *hearts***

Standing beside Terezi the both of you watch John's party take on full swing. John and his twin, the Striders, Sollux and Kanaya along with Feferi and Rose were all crowded into the tiny apartment. You laugh as Dirk and Dave fight over the turntable and the rest of the girls talk about plans for later tonight. Terezi turned her head and 'looked' at you from behind her red sun glasses. Ever since she took too much acid and caused her sister's meth lab to blow up in her face she's been relatively blind, aside from being able to make out certain shapes and also can smell and taste colors (supposedly) you guess it's a side effect from the acid that never quite wore off.

"How come you're not dancing with John?" She asked sticking out her tongue to make sure that she was questioning the right person.

"I just want to hang with you." You answer staring down into the your half empty cup of alcohol. Terezi giggled and playfully punched in the arm.

"You never pass up a chance to dance with the dork. What's on your mind?" She pestered. "Gamzee?..." You decide it was best to keep your mouth shut for once. Everyone could read between your words and find out what's really going on with you and in all honesty you didn't really like exposing yourself to the redhead, as much as you cared for Gamzee you really did love Terezi and you weren't going to fuck this up like you did with him and Vriska._ FUCK NO. I'M WON'T FAIL THIS TIME. I WON'T!_

"Karkat!" Terezi snapped and whacked you in the leg with her cane. "If it's about how you went out with Gamzee I know already!" She hissed angrily._ WAIT! WHAT!?_

"You knew?" You ask staring at the girl as if she had sprouted a pair of candy corn colored horns and fangs.

"Jesus Karkat everyone knows! Even Eridan and John and those two are complete idiots..I'm blind and I could still see the sparks between you."

"Well fuck! You could've let ME know you knew! Here I am trying to be a good boyfriend sweating trying to figure out how the hell to tell you something you already know! Fuck me for me for being so magnanimously stupid!" You ranted while most of your friends just laughed or rolled their eyes, used to these outburst years of knowing you.

"Oooohahahaha. You're soo funny when you act like that Karkles! So adora-bloodthirsty.." Terezi giggled and you realized that she was a little tipsy. You just hug her to you and wipe the usual scowl off your face. After determining that Kanaya was the only one sober enough to drive the girls took off, something about picking out halloween costumes.

"Hey Karkat! You wanna play Halo. Sollux just lift so that makes you the best hacker here!" John called holding up a controller, you send a dirty look at your first kiss and blink realizing that Sol really had left which, was very unlike him because that two bit hacker loved free booze and Dirk brought enough to keep the little alcoholic happy for weeks.

"Hold on I'm going to see what that fuckass is up to." You mumble and head outside. You didn't have to look far because Sol was sitting on the stairwell chatting away on his phone, he was so into his conversation that he didn't even notice you were standing there eavesdropping.

"Yeah thorry I mithsed your call. Fuckin' music wath up tho loud I couldn't hear it...eheh, Yeah I'm like right outthide your apartment. Thill want me to come over?" Your eyes widened, the only person you remembered living here besides John and Jade was Gamzee._ WHAT THE FUCK WOULD SOL WANT WITH HIM?_ Why not ask yourself why you cared so much while you were at it? It's not like you guys were dating. You broke up months ago and..._ FUCK._ Who were you kidding? You were about as over Gamzee as clown was over you. You clench your fist and glance over your shoulder to make sure no one was watching you. Last thing you need is to get busted stalking Sollux. Lucky for you the freaky little blonde had already made his way into Gamzee's apartment and shut the door behind him. You stare at the pale blue-grey door for a bit while you catch little snippets of the conversation behind it.

"Hey again motherfucker" Gamzee's unmistakable voice rumbled away while Sollux laughed. You just stood there for awhile trying to decide if you should knock on the door and act like you had no idea Sollux was there or just wait a bit and head inside, the latter was probably the best idea considering how badly you sucked at lieing and would be seen right through...

Your thoughts were interrupted by a large banging sound on the door.

"Gamzee! thlow do-" Whatever protest Sollux had been making was cut off and muffled. You felt your face grow flush as you continued to listen from the safety of the hallway. Gamzee growled and the door rattles again.

"Shut up motherfucker. You know you like it." He growled as Sollux made some pitiful whimpers. After a few more minutes of Gamzee's growling and Sollux's whimpers and whines you heard the two walk off towards the back of the apartment. Balling your hand into fist you close your eyes and made a split decision to enter the apartment, knowing Gamzee never locked the door._ WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING HERE? WHAT? YOU GOTTA WATCH YOU EX SCREW SOMEONE ELSE BEFORE YOU CAN FINALLY LET GO? GOD! YOU CAN BE SO FUCKING STUPID!_

You growled at yourself as you stood in the middle of Gamzee's living room, barely noticing the missing table or the bloodstains under your feet. The only thing that really registered in your mind was the sounds coming from Gamzee's room. The same room you stayed in night after night when Gamzee called crying from his latest nightmare or begging you to stay.

_"Please motherfucker? Just til I sleep?"_ Right now Gamzee was probably burying himself in that freak. In the very place you held his head your lap while he cried and begged your forgiveness.

_"I'm so sorry Karkat...I-I didn't know..."_ You half wonder if Gamzee still keep those torn sheets on the bed. The ones you ripped with your teeth and nails as you had tried to so hard to keep him from seeing the tears in your eyes or hearing your cries of pain. You sob and run a hand through your black dyed hair. _FUCK._ You wipe your eyes and shake the memory out of your head. Why did you come here? All you were doing was ripping your heart out_. GUESS THIS IS KARMA'S WAY OF GETTING BACK AT YO_U. You just stand there for the longest time letting memories wash over you. All the times you and Gamzee had spent together. Every fight, apology, party, and tearful night. Every drunken blackout and mild overdose. Every single makeup smeared kiss. You had no idea how long you stood there shaking, head hung low as you fought back tears.

"Kk?" Sollux asked snapping you out of it. Both Sol and Gamzee stood in the hallway, Sollux the closest to you. You looked up at your guilty looking friend and offered a pathetic excuse of a smile.

"John and Dave were about play games... Figured I come get you" Sollux sent a heated glance at Gamzee and left.

"I'll get tharted on the hacth then." He stated and walk out. Gamzee just sat on the couch and ran his hand through his raven hair.

"Fuck Karkat. Could've motherfuckin' up'd and knocked you know." Gamzee said more to himself than you, swiping at the smeared makeup at the corner of his mouth.

"Why would you do that?" You hear yourself ask but didn't really register opening your mouth to form the words you still trapped in your memories. Gamzee looked at you any trace of humor or laughter gone from the clown's face.

"Do what? The same fucking thing you're doing? Trying to kill off all the red feels between us.." Gamzee's voice was soft low and level, you tense, you've known your friend well enough to recognize that even on his meds in this kind of mood he was dangerous.

"Gam-"

"Do you love Terezi?" He asked, his voice even lower.

"What do yo-"

"DO YOU LOVE HER?!" Gamzee roared closing the short distance between the two of you and holding by your shirt a full foot and half off the ground, just barely eye level. "Because you sure as fuck don't love me..." He whispered his hair hiding his eyes as a sick grin spread across his face.

"Gamzee I lov-" Gamzee threw you down to the ground as hard as he could, so hard you heard your bones rattle and tasted blood in your mouth. _WAY TO FUCKING GO VANTAS_. You groan as you consider picking yourself and decide it was best just to stay on the floor, you learned from experience that the safest thing to do in these situations is to just stay where ever Gamzee decided to toss you, let brun through whatever he was feeling and talk him down later.

"DON'T YOU FUCKING LIE!" Gamzee hissed, his voice grew sharp and toxic. "You never had and never will... So stay the fuck out of my life." He growled and walked out the front door. _FUCK_. You didn't know where he was headed but, all you know is it couldn't be good.

_FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!FUCKKK!_


	9. lOST and fOUND

~carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering adiosToreador~  
CG: TAVROS LOOK I KNOW WE DON'T TALK BUT GAMZEE TOOK OFF I NEED TO KNOW IF YOU'VE SEEN HIM.  
AT: uH...nO I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM...dIDN'T HE GO HOME?  
CG: SHIT! HE DID BUT SOMETHING HAPPENED AND HE TOOK OFF. HELP ME OUT AND CHECK OUT SOME PLAYGROUNDS OR SOMETHING OKAY? I'LL SEE IF I CAN GET EQUIUS TO HELP.  
AT: pLAYGROUND...?  
CG: THAT FUCKASS LOVES THEM FOR SOME REASON. LOOK WE HAVE TO FIND HIM. LAST TIME HE PULLED THIS NEPETA HAD TO DRAG HIM OUT OF DITCH SO JUST HURRY UP AND LEAVE! IF WE LET HIM OUT TOO LONG HE COULD GET HURT OR END UP STRUNG OUT SOMEWHERE**.**

AT: oH...aLRIGHT...i'LL SEE IF I COULD...uH...fIND HIM.."

~adiosToreador ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist~

It took a few moments before you really realized your friend could be in danger. Before anything else you print off a map of local playgrounds figure out which ones were the closest to where Gamzee lived. You take your phone, the map and a picture of Gamzee and leave. You had checked three playgrounds and few school yards too before Equius and Nepeta messaged you asking about your progress. It seemed like no one had a clue where to look for the missing clown, after having messaged you for the tenth time Nepeta said she was gonna check out any nearby clinics and hospitals to see if he had turned up there. Sighing and running your hand through hair, it really need to be cut again, you check the last playground in Gamzee's area. It was already getting dark and after hours of walking around shly questioning soccer moms and rowdy kids you half wished you could give up but.._.. cOULD I REALLY fORGIVE MYSELF iF...iF GAMZEE GOT HURT?_

You sigh and plop down into a park bench just to rest a moment, just because you didn't have real feet that ached, didn't mean walking didn't affect you. You look out at the dusty playground and watch as even the wildest kids started to head home, it kinda reminded you of when your mom would take you out. You'd play well into the dark with this one boy, a small little white haired kid who'd fight off the bullies who'd often take your toys and make you cry. You smile at that thought as you watch the crowd off children clear out and notice a tall lanky figure hunched over on the bench across the park from you, a bright orange bottle flying between the person's hands.

"Hey Tavbro.." The figure rasped out, it was obvious that he had been screaming or crying fairly recently. Wrapping an arm around your best friend you smile softly, happy to find him safe. He chuckled softly and wrapped an arm around your waist, causing you to blush and stiffen. "Guess everyone's up and worried about me...Karkat send you?"

"Yeah...uH, Gamzee?...I-if you don't mind..would you uH...tell me what's going on with you?...you've..w-Well been acting sorta..crazy..." You ask hesitantly. Gamzee pulls you close so the two of you are face to face and offers a very smeared grey-violet and white smile. You blush and look away from those deep violet eyes. Gamzee let out a sigh and turned his face up to the new stars.

"What all you wanna know Tavbro?" He asked and began rolling the pill bottle between his hands again.

"...What...made you cry...last night?" Gamzee tensed and closed his eyes.

"Looks like you really don't then huh?" He asked, after you just stared at him for a bit he sighed and continued. "You know how 'bout three or so months back KK was up'nd with that blue bitch?...And how everyone thought they up'nd fucked..." Your eyes widened as you realized what Gamzee was about to tell you. Everyone knew Karkat and Vriska were a thing, just like everyone thought they had lost it together but, you knew otherwise.

"Yeah... Uh... I know Vriska didn't sleep him though..." You stuttered quitely. Gamzee opened his eyes and gave you a weird look.

"You and Vriska..?" He quirk an eyebrow, you nodded face burning from the hot blush on your freckled cheeks.

"Y-yeah..but..i-I didn't enjoy it..." You mange and try very very hard to push out the embarrassing memories of blue lips swearing and crying at you, demanding you confess your sexuallity, not that you knew it at the time, and how your own uncertainty caused the loss of your legs and the death of your friend Aradia. Gamzee sent you a wide grin and laughed. He seemed to understand what you meant, you'd be surprised if he thought of you as straight after what happened this morning.

"B-but what does..that have to do with you...?" You asked realizing you had gotten a little off topic. Gamzee snapped forward and stared at the ground rather than the lights he often sought his miracles in, taking in a deep breath your best friend turned to you a tormented smile played on his face.

"I took Karkat's motherfucking v-card." His grin grew but, didn't quite reach his eyes. "We fucking high as fuck, he started kissin' up on me and...it just happened... Fuck, Tav, I swear to you I didn't know...but, he up and said he wanted it. Motherfucker told me he loved me..." The clown shook his and looked away from you. "Damn I sound like some motherfuckin' heartbroke sista'." You frown and felt your jealousy for Karkat take one a whole new level. He slept with Gamzee! It wasn't good enough that the two were practically brothers, wasn't good enough he had the confidence and way with words you had always wished you had but, he also had/has/have the love of the boy you've been secretly after since the ninth grade! Gamzee's slight shaking snapped you out of your bout of envious rage. You look over at your best friend and piece together everything the pale, violet eyed boy left out. Karkat didn't really love him but they dated, when Karkat (probably very recently) dumped him it crushed him and he still wasn't over it. Waves of pity wash over you and without thinking about it you pulled the wiry teen to you and held him close. Gamzee stared up at you with a questioning look on his face.

"I-I promised...t-that whatever you lossed I'd uh... get you a new one... J-just like you did with my legs." You said burying your head into Gamzee's raven locks. They smelled sickly sweet like strawberry Faygo and earthy and strangely herb like, probably weed. Gamzee lifted his head and grinned widely the his green lip ring glowing brightly. You gather your courage and lean down towards hi-

"Kiss me again. Cause only you can stop the st-st-stuttering." You groan and answer your cell phone only to nearly drop it when both Karkat and Nepeta shout on the other end. You stare at the phone listening to some kind of argument before Equius spoke.

"I'm sorry to call at, such a, hectic time but, it appears that it may be necessary that we search the next town over for Mr. Makara, would you like to join us?" His deep and somewhat kinky voice sounded over the chaos in the background.

"O-oh n-no need for that...I found him... Want to m-meet up...?" Equius managed to quiet the fight long enough to announce the news and ask whether or not they should meet up before a whole new argument started. Karkat's voice, he sounded like he'd been crying and was really concerned about Gamzee.

"Hey, is Gamzee okay? He's not strung out? Is he sober? His still has his pills right? Oh God tell me he didn't get arrested again. Is he hurt? How badly? Fuck please tell me he's alright!" Karkat went on you smiled and looked at the clown who now had his head rested in your lap staring up at the stars again a wide grin on his face as he chuckled to himself about something.

"Gamzee you okay?" You asked trying not to laugh at the giggling and clearly stoned kid. He just waved a bright orange bottle in your face and you noticed that about three pills look the same as the antidepressant 'happy' pills Sollux used to take.

"hOnK!" Gamzee shouted and had another laughing fit while Karkat continued to freak out on the other side of the phone.

"Yeah..He's fine...uH...A l-little stoned but, other than that same old Gamzee." You giggle as Gamzee smiles at you apparently calm enough to talk or shout rather.

"HeEy MotherFuCker." He giggled and shouted loud enough for Karkat to hear. "I fucking love you bro but, damn brother you up'nd got your weird on or somesshit. MotherFuCkin' stalkin' me..." He continued laughing holding his sides, if you didn't know Gamzee you'd probably be terrified of this makeup wearing teen laughing like a lunatic, you switch the phone to speaker since you couldn't be sure Gamzee wouldn't drop it.

"You up'nd fuck my feels all t'hell but, itsskay. I got me a TavBro now..."

"Gamzee talk to when you can make some kind of sense you twice baked Faygo encrusted pathetic excuse for a moirail! God could you once talk to me without your schizophrenic mouth dribble and mood swings ruling that slime covered dimwitted think-pan of yours?! No I suppose it is too much to as the bard of insanity and psychopathic rage to just once corporate with his best friend and single source of human contact for damn near five years.!" You heard Karkat shout and giggle behind your hand. He might not realize it but, Karkat only really ranted at the people he cared most about.

"KarKITTYYY! Stop yelling at Gamzee!" Nepeta yelled and took over the phone.

"Hey me and Equius will come pick you two up inna bit kay? Just sit tight and we'll drop you off at Gamzee's." Nep hung up and look down at the grinning clown who was staring right back you. He reached up and swung a lanky arm around your neck pulling you in for a kiss. He pulled away and grinned.

"So motherfucking cute."


	10. SMILE

Grinning at the flushed and freckled face above you, you start another giggling fit, damn that motherfucker was cute when he acted like that, all red and shy and shit but, something kept tugging at your mind. When was the last time you took your pills, your real pills? You stop your giggling and stare hard at the bottle you've been playing with for the past twenty minutes and giggle again. You couldn't see the words on the label.

"Gamzee?...d-did you do that because you're high?" Tavros asked you smiling as your whole body shook with your laughter, man who couldn't see how Sollux wanted to get rid of of them. They made everything feel great, you remember being angry and upset but, now that you swallowed a few of blue and red pills you just seemed relaxed and happy about everything.

"Nah, Tavbro..I just wanted one motherfucker." You smile brightly, somewhere something told you once your high came down you'd just be upset again but, for now you were happy and that was all that really mattered, for now at least. Wrapping your arms around Tavros's neck and pulled yourself up. You knock foreheads with the dust colored teen and smiled as he lifted his amber eyes from the ground to meet your own royal purple.

"Um...w-well, would you d-do it again...?" The shy teen blushed but didn't look away this time, letting out a small noise as you timidly press your lips to his. In all honesty you're not known for being gentle or timid when it came to these things and being this sweet was kinda killing you but, you didn't want to frighten off your Tavbro again so best to play safe for now. Tavros surprised you by pulling you into his lap and kissing back a little rougher, nipping at your lips. You open your eyes and sent your friend a questioning look. Tavros sent you a small nervous smile.

"S-s-sorry...it's umm.. been aw-while..." He blushed and removed his hands from your hips. You growl low in your throat...Fuck being gentle this cute ass motherfucker was just asking for it.

"Hey, you really should tell me that motherfuckin' hotass dream you up and had about me." You chuckle and press your lips to his neck, grinning widely as the boy tensed under such a simple touch, you gently scrape your teeth against his throat causing the shorter teen to moan softly and grip you harder.

* * *

"B-but, thats...umm..AH!" You stumble over your words as Gamzee bit down hard into your neck, growling in response to the noises you made. You had heard from many people that your best friend was far from innocent as well as rumors of his, sexual tastes. You blush from head to toe at the images that played in your head, a weird combination of everything you heard and your own tastes.

"G-Gamzee, st-stop..." You beg half-heartedly as he kissed and licked the tiny pinpricks of blood from the bite mark on your neck, your breath coming out in pants as he pinned you down on the bench. Any protest you were about to make quickly died in your throat as the dark haired teen latched his teeth onto your collarbone, sucking hard. Groaning you grab a fistful of Gamzees raven hair and pulled him away from your chest. The clown gave a harsh growl and sent you a look that vaguely reminded you of a feral animal. Gathering every bit of confidence you could muster you stare up into those intimidating violet eyes and roll your hips into his. Gamzee made a low noise, a cross between a throaty growl and a purr. You grin at that reaction and do it again this time pulling him down into a rough kiss. You felt the tug and pull of the wild teen's sharp teeth and the slight probing of his tongue, demanding entrance, you open your mouth a bit. Gamzee took advantage of the small opening kissing you roughly and pulling up your shirt.  
"Fuck Tavros..." He groaned into your chest and kissed his way down your flat stomach, biting and sucking on your rips and dipping his tongue to lap at your hip bones. You give a shuddering moan as you felt Gamzee grip the front of your shorts and pul-  
Suddenly a bright flash went off followed by a wave of femmine giggles.  
"WHAT A SHOT! This is so going on the shipping wall!" Nepeta squealed smiling widely as you were caught in one of the single most embarrassing moments of your life! Equius stood by but, unlike his ship obsessed girlfriend, was trying not to stare and failed miserably. You sit and take look at the situation you had gotten yourself into. Your plain brown t-shirt was pushed up and just about every inch of you was covered in sore looking hickeys, makeup and bite marks, some of which were bleeding. To make matters worse Gamzee was not only laying between your legs but, both of your pants had gotten mysteriously undone and Gamzee still had the waist of them in his hands while his teeth tugged at your boxers, which did absolutely nothing to hide how hard you were at the moment.  
"It's!...we're! Ah!...um...Shit Gam-gamzeee,..." You started to explain but Gamzee was threatening to rip down the one thing covering your more private areas from Nepeta. Of course the green eyed girl just laughed and playfully swatted at the back of clown's head.  
"Com'on Gam! KartKitty is waiting for us!" She said ignoring the heated growl and dirty look sent her way. "You want him to come looking for you?" Gamzee growled this time much louder but, listened and removed himself from you, not even bothering to fix his pants only tugging his baggy shirt back into place covering the exposed flesh which had blushing and feeling quite- well small.  
"Well that was.., unexpected. Especially from you, Tavros." Equius stated. His and Nepeta's lack of shock over seeing so much of Gamzee made you wonder if this wasn't the first time. Nep just laughed and smiled brightly.  
"If you haven't noticed Gamzee doesn't really care for clothes. Heheh half the time he won't even wear underwear! Oooooo! Equius! Remember that time we had a cross play party?! And everyone got Sooo drunk they had to stay with us?" She laughed at Equius's face. You've been to a few of Nepeta's cross play parties and knew aside from Eridan and some girls no one ever showed or crossdressed for that matter.  
"Yes. We had to throw out the couch after Gamzee finally caught Eridan." Gamzee grinned and laughed himself at that.  
"Motherfucker looks too damn good in a skirt."  
"We HAVE to get you in one some day!" Gamzee just shook his head and laughed.  
"Wouldn't up and look alright in one. But Tavbro here be a mother fucking merical in one."  
"Oh my gosh you're right!" Nepeta purred and made the both of you promise to come to the next one this Halloween, only a week away. The two of you enter Equius's truck with Nep cuddled up to him and Karkat beside them.  
"How 'bout you best friend?" Gamzee asked slinging his arm over the back of Karkat's seat. Karkat pushed his arm away and turned his red eyes on the clown.  
"I will if your fuckass will stay put and stop fucking taking off all the damn time! Damnit Gamzee! Do you have any fucking idea how much I was worried about you!? I texted Kurloz!" The red eyed teen half shouted, worry clear on his face. Gamzee paled and jerked away from moirail, his normally vibrate eyes darkened to a near pitch color.  
"Why the fuck would would talk to that bastard? He's nothing to me. You're my brother not that motherfucker." He said in tight voice but after chewing a few of Sollux's meds he was back to smiles and giggles and Karkat went back to quietly sulking.

* * *

Despite all that been happening you were still quite hard and Tavros looked a little frustrated himself, grinning and happy for once to her Nep's loud and happy singing from the front seat. Leaning over you brushed your lips against your friend's neck scraping your lip ring over a small puncture wound. The dust colored teen tensed and quickly silenced a moan.  
"Best stay quiet motherfucker. Unless you got your kink on and wanna get caught." You growl low in your throat. God, you really loved shit like this. Messing around in public where'd it be so easy to get caught but, your favorite thing of all time had to be bondage, you love tying up mothfuckers and hearing them up and beg for you, you may be laid back most of the time but, in the bedroom was one of the few times people got the other side of you.  
"G-Gamzee..." Tavros panted as you found a particularly sensitive spot on the shy teens neck and scraped your teeth across the area before lapping at it with your tongue. bEg FoR mE tAvBrO. You silently commanded biting down hard, tiny beads of blood pooling to the surface which you lick up greedily. Fuck if his blood tasted this good you couldn't wait to try out the rest of him. Letting your hands wander down Tavros's chest while you continue to tease him, letting your fingers barely dip under the waistband of the smaller teen's shorts.  
"Gamzee..." Tavros groaned and turned his bright amber eyes on you before threading a hand through your messy black hair.  
"Yeah Tav?" You mumble resting your head on your dust colored friends chest.  
"Stop fucking teasing!" Tavros commanded pulling on your hair forcing you to expose your neck as he made a few marks of his own. You growled, normally you'd make a fucker pay for stealing control from you but, the way Tav had looked at you and never hesitated with his words made it hard to fight back, especially when he had wrapped a warm hand around you. Groaning you return the favor and grasped the hot flesh at your fingertips pulling up slowly and running the pad of your thumb over Tavros's slick swollen head. Still pulling on your hair the smaller teen pulled you into a rough and demanding kiss before groaning into your neck.  
"I thought I said to quit your teasing." He growled himself lightly squeezing the head of your cock, you were getting close now and the fucker probably knew it. _gOnNa StOp If I dOn'T lIsTeN._  
"Fine. Bossy little fucker." You growled and undid Tavros's shorts and much to the flushed teens surprise wrapped your lips around his hard member. It was difficult to get down in the cramped back seat of Equius truck but once you found a comfortable spot you began to suck off your friend, curling your tongue around him and when there was a pause in the bumpy ride, swallowing around him. Tavros began pumping his fist faster and even in the dark you could see his face flush as he panted and gripped the hair on the back of you head tighter, you felt his body start to tense as the pressure in your own built up.  
"Hurry Gamzee...nnnngh.. I-I'm almost-"_ fUcK._ That was all it took to send you over the edge, a little plea and you were spilling yourself all over Tavros's hand as he forced your head further down, body tense and eyes screwed shut as continued to suck hard around him.  
"g-GAM-ze-Ee" He groaned as felt hot liquid spill onto the back of your tongue and down your throat. After milking every drop from your friend you sat back up in the seat. Tavros raised his hand to his face and crinkled his nose at the sticky mess. You grin at take the hand into your mouth and suck and lick it relatively clean, the fact that it was your own cum didn't really bother you. tAsTeS jUsT fInE. Tavros looked a little weirded out by the action but was too tired to really care. You pull him into your arms and rest your head on his, the combination of drugs and getting off was making you sleepy as well. Clinging tightly to your close friend you closed you eyes and drifted off to sleep and for the first time and years did so with a smile on your face.


	11. LETTING GO

You stare at the road ahead of you and try ignore the noises coming from the back seat. _DAMNIT! WHY DID YOU AGREE TO COME?_ You quietly rage at yourself as you glance at the heavily flushed face of Tavros in the rearview mirror. Unable to take it anymore you just turn up the radio and sing to stupid love songs with Nepeta,while your moirail and ex-lover pleased his new-found boy toy not even four feet from you._ THIS WAS SO RIDICULOUSLY STUPID! HERE YOU WERE WORRIED OUT OF YOUR MIND OVER THAT MAKEUP WEARING FREAK WHEN ALL HE WAS WORRIED ABOUT WAS SUCKING FACE WITH_ SOME KID _AT A PLAYGROUND_. You thought trying so hard to hold on to your anger, your shield, failing hopelessly, it hurt and no one seemed to care or noticed. You hit a sour note, while trying to hold back all the conflicting emotions inside you. Nep gave you a funny look, having taking choir with you she knew you could not only project your voice (anyone who's heard your rants knew this.) but, was also very well aware that you never miss a note, not evening while singing to stupid pop songs you hated. You try to keep your usual scowl of annoyance and turn to her and felt tears well up in your freaky red eyes. DAMNIT... You thought as she raised her gaze to the mirror and blush at the sight, giving you a look of pity afterwards. That hurt that really fucking hurt. Like having some stupid rapid meow-beast shoved inside your chest. You didn't need or want pity, you wanted to talk to someone, anyone would do but... You glance at the mirror again to find the two back there had settled down...Who you really wanted to talk to was Gamzee. Just to tell him that yes you loved him, not they he had(or does?) loved you but, you two were brothers! Nothing could change that. To tell him how you kept every single scrap of paper he ever scribbled your likeness on, how no matter what happened you needed him in your life and you'd always be there when he had nightmares and most importantly how you felt on that rainy Apirl night and... How you couldn't find it yourself to be angery or regret your descion. _GAMZEE_...You thought as the tears rolled down your face. You kept singing the stupid Adel song as Nepeta wrapped her arm around you singing and wiping away your tears. Thankfully you manage to get a grip on yourself as Equius pulled up to a Taco Bell and started asking what everyone wanted. You didn't really want anything but, Nep insisted that you get a drink, saying quietly that it will help calm you down. Taking the odd fruity drink and scribbling a note on the back of the receipt, looking at the sleeping pair behind you. Gamzee was smilingly a sweet simple smile you've never seen before while he rested his head on the still tan boy under him. Tavros's face looked- stronger, more mature without the shy nervous smile playing across his face. By the time you had scribbled the last line of your note Equius had pulled up to Gamzee's apartment and lifting a still sleeping Tavros from the back seat and carrying him inside. Leaning over you help him with the taller and lankier teen, slipping the note into his baggy hoodie pocket as you laid him next to the shy teen on the bed. Kissing the near makeup free forehead of your moirail just like you did when you were younger.  
"I love you, Gamzee. Please don't you ever forget that."


	12. GOODBYE

You wake up to the buzzing and screaming of your cell phone. Groaning you reach over and grab the screaming thing and answer it, taking in your surroundings as you did so. You were in your messy room on top of the tattered bedsheets.  
"Hello! Gamzee! ARE YOU THERE!" The person on the other line shouted desperately trying to get your attention.  
"Yeah," You rasp out and close your eyes against the pounding headache behind them. _nEeD mY mOtHeRfUcKiNg PiLlS._  
"Have you seen Karkat!?" The voice cried, sounding not only upset but panicked.  
"Nah, just up'nd woke. What time is it?" You ask searching the pockets of your hoodie for the life-line that came in a large bottle of orange plastic.  
"It's midnight! You mean he hasn't been with you all day?!" The high and cackling voice broke and sobbed. "He was supposed to take me out for my birthday hours ago but, he never showed. He hasn't been with you all day?" Terezi's voice rose as she grew more and more frightened. Damnit, you could barely understand what was going on. Where the fuck were those shitty ass pills?!  
"Have you tried calling the motherfucker?" You sighed trying to keep yourself calm. You fucking knew you had forgotten something yesterday!  
"He won't answer... please Gam. See if he's alright? I think he's mad at me or something..." She asked her voice the softest you've ever heard as your fingers brush an unfamiliar object,left were your pills should be, pulling the glossy object out and staring at a old wore photo of you and KK before he started dying his hair and the receipt that was wrapped around it.

"He's not mad at you.." The bright red letter's in small cramped handwriting glared up at you as your empty stomach lurched. "He's mad at himself.."

_I'm sorry. I've been such a awful brother to you. I can only hope you don't hate me. I'm sorry I used you the way I did and I'm sorry for everything I've done and put you through. I guess I deserve all the shitty feels I have and I really wouldn't blame you if you never forgive me. Just know that I love you. You're my little brother, nothing will change that. Thought you should know that, I don't hate you. And I have no regrets about that night, except well... denying how much it meant to me._

_Goodbye. Tell Terezi I love her and that I'm sorry._

_~Karkart_

* * *

End Fall part1; Desend

* * *

**I'm sorry! I'm sorry I'm SORRY! *prays not be killed by angry fangirls* But it was really important that this happened! Please keep reading the story is far from over.**


	13. Part2: cRASH and sHATTER

**okay it's like midnight where I'm at and I fell just an tineeest bit crazy from lack of sleep and hanging out in the creepy ass dark house... lots of updates if I don't get busted being up this late again... Frickin sleep disorders suck. *Stabs fictional character from other story** Sorry ^^; bored and lack and sleep not a good combo. ANywaaaaYYYYSSS Lets See whaT How KK is!**

* * *

You're not sure what's going on, you woke to Gamzee screaming and yelling into the phone before he hung and rapidly started dialing again, his voice trembling and his whole body shaking as what came out of his mouth floored you.

"I need an ambulance now!" After that everything was blurry, Gamzee racing off the bed as he barked instructions into the phone shaking as he looked over at you panic clearly written on his smudged face. Next thing you knew the two of you were pulling out of his driveway so fast you barely had time to sit down before the dented purple car was speeding down the road at breakneck speed. Gamzee hurled the phone into the back seat as he slammed on the gas, praying out loud.

"Great messiahs please no. Not that no..." The tone of his voice scared you more than the fact that you had nearly been ran over by a semi-truck. "DON'T YOU FUCKING TAKE HIM!" He screamed again, turning the corner so fast that the back end of the car swung into the other lane. _wHAT'S hAPPENING?_ You wonder as your friend cried, his prayers to the messiahs never ceasing. Barely throwing the car into park Gamzee leapt from the death trap and began pounding on the door of the large house in front of you two. After screaming threats and curses, waking up the whole neighborhood in the process Gamzee started to break down the door. Unsure of what to do you stood there and silently watched as the door broke off its hinges and the badly bruised and panic stricken teen rushed inside. Comming to your senses you chased after Gamzee. The house was in chaos, boxes were dumped and rooms and closets had their contents thrown about. _wAS SOMEONE rOBBED? _You wondered, that would explain the mess but, Gamzee had to break down the door... Nothing was adding up! What was going on? What you saw next made you stop in your tracks and your blood run cold. Karkat was curled on the floor Gamzee above him, trying to stay calm enough to checking for the unconscious boy's pulse, now begging with the bards and messiahs he held so dear. Watching the almost untraceable rise and fall of Karkat's chest. Karkat, the boy you had admired for his confidence and strength was curled in a small ball fighting for his life. A cold sheen covered his forehead, his already slow sluggish breathing was slowing by the minute while Gamzee was desperately slapping his face trying to get some important information out the quickly fading boy.

"Kar! Karkat!? Damnit! Kar what'd you do?!" You feel a small object slide out from under your feet as you unintentionally take a step toward the scene. Bending to grab the object you discover it was Gamzee's pill bottle, now empty and lidless.

"G-Gamzee?" You ask hand shaking as you hand the bottle over to the trembling teen. Gamzee's violet eyes darkened as he recognized the orange plastic container.

"GOD FUCKING DAMNIT! Tavros! Fuck! Help me move his legs!" Nodding you carefully pulled Karkat's cold damp legs from his chest. Gamzee leapt in front of the still, pale teen and slammed his fist into his stomach as hard as he could. You paled as you watched the violent action again this time making forcing the contents of Karkat's stomach up and out. You flinch away from the mess and fought the urge to vomit yourself. The hot yellow-brown liquid was spotted with bright green capsules and their semi-fluorescent contents. Karkat sputtered and Gamzee carefully placed a finger in his mouth, pulling out a few more of the disturbingly bright capsules and the thick smile that they once held.

"Sorry brother..." He muttered calming down as Karkat's crimson eyes fluttered open for a moment but, his breathing was still slow and dangerously shallow. Fear shook you as you watched Gamzee's eyes widen. KK eyes were glossy and he couldn't quite fix his eyes on his moirail who was holding his head in his lap.

"Hey little brother." His voice was strained and a little slurred. " Where's Gotdra at?" He asked a hand reaching out for something. Gamzee gave a sad smile and looked around for something.

"Tav..." Gamzee asked softly nodding his head at a small white toy lying by your feet. Handing the strange goat-fish plushy to your friend, who placed it on the weaker teen's chest.

"I still got Cadre... He sits on my dresser right next to my drawings." Gamzee smiled sadly.

"I missed you little brother...You ran away again...Kurloz hurt you again?" You watch as Gamzee held back tears, trying his best to keep Karkat awake until the ambulance showed up. You excused yourself telling Gamzee you were going to check to see if they were close. Seeing you best friend fall apart and watching a boy you had held in such high regard die wasn't something you never wanted to see and yet was happening and there was nothing you could do to stop it! Worst still..._tHIS FEELS LIKE MY..._Why would Karkat want to kill himself? Was it because of his and Gamzee's fight? Or... Why did you feel so guilty? You never did anything...Was it because...

_I missed you little brother..._Maybe he thought you were stealing Gamzee away from him. _wAIT! tHATS STUPID! i WOULD NEVER..._Images of your past few days with Gamzee flashed through your mind... _oH..._Maybe you were, hadn't you always felt jealous of how much time Gamzee spent with the loud red eyed teen? Angry he knew so much about your crush he could tell whether or not Gamzee's smiles were real or just a side effect of his pills and after you heard about the two of them together... You lowered your head, God you were such of terrible friend! To think of yourself instead of being happy at your friends happiness. Now that you think about it, it was pretty coincided of you to think was your fault (even if it really was) at a time like this. Hearing sirens approaching you raise your head and flag them down. They probably would need it seeing how easy it was to miss Karkat's small house.

_pLEASE LET KK LIVE THROUGH THIS. _You found yourself praying, because if he didn't it was likely Gamzee wouldn't either...


	14. Pain

_jUsT kEeP iT tHe FuCk ToGeThEr!_ You grit your teeth and smile as Karkat grew slinent again. _fUcK!_ He was fucking dying and there wasn't a fucking thing you could do! The tiny albino's eye fluttered shut again, his small white hand clutching the plush toy you have given him.

"No! NO! NO!...mirthful messiahs PLEASE….fucking please…." _dOn'T tAkE hIm…._ You felt sick and the voices were starting to yell at you again, you needed those damn pills! If only they weren't swimming inside your brother just like they did in your mother. You shake violently as the memories of your mother lying cold and smiling on the bathroom floor entered your already chaotic mind. Her large indigo eyes staring up at you and that twisted smile slashed across her face, the gross slime that oozed from your pills trickled out of the corner of her stiff smile. You shook your head and squeezed the small teen under you. Karkat was the only person who could get the nightmares to stop after you woke up. He was the only one who could calm the voices without medicane and got you focus enough to draw, another that help you forget the violent things that flickered and sounded in that scrambled think pan of yours. Now he was dying and the voices were just laughing at your pain.

_Pretty colors inside..._

_...bet if you drank them you feel better..._

_Drink!_

_All the pills inside... Such pretty colors._

_FUCKING DRINK MOTHERFUCKER!_

"No!"You cried. They always wanted you to hurt. _ . BEFORE THEY GET YOU!_ You barely heard the shouts outside your mind until the pulled you off of your moirail. Men in white were taking your moirail! Your brother! You fallowed them and nearly tore the head off one as he tried to keep you and Tavros from entering the van.

"HE'S MY MOTHERFUCKING BROTHER!" You roared into the frighten mans face and barely surpressed the urge to rip off his lower jaw. "I won't the messiahs take you... Not yet..." Tavros sat across from you and mentioned something to person in charge but, you couldn't hear it, you were too busy fighting of the onslaut of violent images and memories that flickered in front of your mind. _fUcK, fUcK,FUCK!_

"Don't you die... DON'T YOU FUCKING DIE MOTHERFUCKER! You hear...DON'T YOU MOTHERFUCKING DARE TO!... Please brother...PLEASE MOTHERFUCKER!...please fucking please..." Karkat was hanging on by a thread, his intake of breath wasn't nearly enough, not even for a body as tiny as his. _Kill him... Take away his_ pain...

"G-Gamzee...?" Your head snapped as you suddenly remembered the copper and dust colored teen, worry etched on his youthful face. Realizing you were shaking violently and had tears streaming down your face, the teen was still trying to talk to you but you couldn't hear...

_"Mom...? Mom! MOM!... Mom wake up! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Mom? Please... I didn't mean to kill her! I'm sorry Mom! Please please WAKE UP! MOM!" She wasn't sleeping... But she wasn't awake either. Her pretty indigo eyes- your eyes, stared up at you from the lavender tiles. She was smiling so pretty..._

_"Please Mommy..." You cried burring her soft, long black hair the same black hair that fell in your face as you sobbed into the soft sweet smelling mess. "I love you." You didn't mean to hurt her... Or your baby sister... Now they were both were gone... And it was all your fault! Your fault. Your fault, YOUR FAULT!_

__"I'm sorry..."

* * *

"I'm sorry..." You don't know what was worse...Gamzee's outburst of violent rage and hate or his pitiful pleas, his cries and apologies. Both frightened you, both ate away at your heart and you wished more than anything to ease his pain. To stop what ever was happening. You wence as you heard Karkat flatline and the medics brought out the paddles. A whimper escaped your throat as you watched the tiny body arch violently under electrical current, it felt like hours before the monitor beeped back to life, signaling that Karkat was still alive for now. You don't think that an the was an hell worse than that thirty minute drive to the hospital. Listening to Gamzee's countless half insane prayers and apologies, none of which made sense, watching Karkat die over and over again only to be brought back and suffer more. A part of you, wished that the next time he would stay dead, that you wouldn't have to watch as his body bent and trashed and everyone's pain would stop. Another, more selfish part, prayed he'd live on, that his slow sluggish heart would keep on beating even through you knew it would only prolong his suffering because if it should truly fail... You'd lose your best friend...Gamzee couldn't live without the loud bossy little teen and you of all people knew if that should Karkat die...Gamzee would soon fallow. Without thinking you place a hand ontop of Karkat's, it was much paler than normal and slick with cold sweat.

"M-Mirthful Messaihs..." You started quietly unsure of what you hoped to accomplish. "Please...uh...Don't let Gamzee's prayers...go unanswered..."

* * *

It feels as if a truck was parked on top of you... You could barely breath and it felt as though your heart was steadily pumping shards of glass into your body, everything, fucking everything hurt- burned...and then...it...Faded...the heat...painthe everything is...fuzzy...soft. You can't feel your fingers...your toes...your body...it's so soft...it's so...it's...I...

...

..

.


	15. MEMORIES

PAIN!

Blinding pain...

Coursing through you body, making every muscle painfully tight and arching you until you feel as though you'd break.

_FUCK..._You could feel your heart start up again, fucking traitor. Why wouldn't just let you die? Couldn't they see that's what you wanted?! Just fucking stop it already! You felt tears roll down your face and didn't care for once. Fuck it hurts, everything hurts so fucking bad, you just want it to stop, wanted the soft warm darkness to come back, you black out again the pain is too much for your body to take... But, sadly it's not enough to kill you again. _I'M SUCH A FUCKING FAILURE! I CAN'T EVEN DIE RIGHT! WHY CAN'T I EVER DO ANYTHING RIGHT!? _Were the last thing that went through your mind as sliped away into the false pace. When you came to you found your h eart beating normally and you could breath again. _DAMNIT!_

"K-k-Karkat! K-Karkat? Can you hear me?!" A voice sounded. Groaning you turn towards the sound, slitting your sore eyes.

"T-Tav-ros...?" You croak out man everything hurt, what the hell was he doing here?

"O-oh t-thank God...or..um...The Mirthful Messiahs...in this case...We um... Really t-thought you...um died for...for real...Gamzee is going to b-be so happy! Um...that is ah, after he wakes up..o-of course... H-he um..he st-started h-hurting himself...so ah, they..um dosed him...but he's al-r-right though! S-s-see!" GOD! You hated his stuttering! You were about to tell the idioit this but, he left before you could do so. Turning your head to the other side you fully open your stinging eyes, finding your moirail directly in your line of sight. Bloody scratches glared up from the yellow tinted gel smeared on his arms and neck and think strands of long black hair dangled from between his long black painted nails. But the thing that stood out the most his face, makeup free besides a few faded patches of white and pale grey-violet on the left side, it reminded you of the nights when he'd crawl into bed crying and begging to be held, just until he fell asleep. You stared at the tracks dried years had left, dimly shining on his cheeks.

_GOD YOU ARE SUCH A GODDAMNED IDIOT! WHY'D YOU HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING STUPID!? YOU ALWAYS FUCKED UP! YOU WERE SUCH A FUCKING FAILURE! WHY DO ALWAYS HAVE TO SCREW UP EVERYTHING! YOU HAD TO BE THE BIGGEST FUCKING IDIOT ON ALL OF EARTH. TO ACTUALLY THINK THAT KILLING YOURSELF WOULD SOLVE ANYTHING! GOD YOU SUCKED! KARKAT VANTAS YOU HAVE TO BE THE SHITTEST MOIRAIL IN HISTORY!ALL YOU EVER WANTED TO WAS PROTECT GAMZEE. TO KEEP HIM HAPPY AND MAKE HIM LAUGH AND WENT AND FUCKING HURT HIM IN THE WORST POSSIBLE WAY EVER! ..._You lower eyes as you remembered how Gamzee told about finding his mom... He blamed himself for her death. How could you forget? You wence as you tried to imagine how he felt finding you... Raising your eyes again you notice a tattoo, one you never seen before. There on his left hand, the one he broke during a childhood fit of violence that only you seemed to be able to calm him down from, was the symbol for cancer. _Your_ symbol tattooed in black and red ink between his thumb and forefinger, along with the date 4/15...the night the both of you lost your virginities in a Faygo flavored haze. _I'M SO_ STUPID...You ment more to Gamzee than anything else and he needed you...How could ever think he'd be better without you? Closing your eyes and wrapping your fingers around Gamzee's long thin ones you let the memories of the night your moirail poured his heart out to you and showed you just how much you ment to him.

* * *

It was a dark rainy night and you and Gamzee were holed up in your the room sharing a bottle of cream soda flavored Faygo and the last of Gamzee's Stash, normally you would pass on both but you could tell something was up with your younger adoptive brother, plus it was hard to say no when he had went out of his way to get the only flavor you liked. Taking hits off the joint the two of you sat your bed watching the storm outside your window, talking about random things manily about how the two of you were going to start high school this fall. Gamzee laughed saying how no one would fuck with his crazy ass and he was right. Your younger brother was almost six feet tall and already had peircings and tattoos! A green Leo symbol behind his right ear and black and purple butterfly over his heart, not to mention the freaky ass makeup he wore... He may not have a care but you were scarred shitless! Even with his face clean of makeup and piercings, like it was now, he was a tatal badass while you were just a tiny little albino freak...

"I'm dying my hair black!" You said hopping up. Gamzee frowned a bit as he put out the joint and fingered the pages of his ever present scetch book.

"Why the hell would do that bro?"

"So people won't pick on me.." You said looking away from the bright purple eyes that were locked on you.

"That's motherfucking cool but..." Gamzee opened his book. "Let me at least draw ya' before you up'nd change yourself too much Kay?... Would you..ah mind stripping?" You blushed bright red but didn't think much of it, the two of you shared a room so you were kinda used to be naked around each other...

"You really gonna draw me like this..?" You asked staring at the dirty bedroom floor while Gamzee worked his way towards the edge of the bed where you were.

"Yeah motherfucker... Who knows whatd else you'd up'nd do to yourself." He barely muttered already busy working on his drawing. He growled about fithteen minutes into the scetch. "You gotta get your chill on bro, can't get ta look right with you all stiff and shit." You blush and force yourself to relax._ IT'S JUST GAMZEE, YOU'VE BEEN NAKED AROUND HIM A HUNDRED TIMES..._You told yourself, relaxing and enjoying the high you were on.

"Almost done brother." Gamzee said quietly, focused on the task at hand for once. The sound of his voice brought you back to Earth and you glanced up from the floor to your little brother, his violet eyes sharp as the took in every line on the paper._ HE'S REALLY KINDA_ PRETTY...You blush at that thought as Gamzee looked up and smiled at the very shy and flustered expression on your face.

"There! All done bro." He grinned and held the book up so you could see. It was a plain black and white drawing really but...was that really you? In the picture you were standing shyly turned away from Gamzee with your head down and a bright blush on your cheeks. You lean over trying to get a better look at your face in the drawing, unintentionally trapping the thin teen between your arms. "Um...Karkat..." He blushed and gently tried to push you away, dropping the book in the process. You look up at the flushed face of your best friend, he was acting really shy and that was pretty weird for a guy who spent most his time walking around naked. Gamzee gave you a nervous smile and removed his arms not realizing that the action would cause you to slip, making you brush your lips against his.

"DON'T DO THAT!" He shouted and scrambled away as if you had burned him.

"IT WAS YOUR FAULT FUCKASS!" You yelled back embarrassed as hell. "Quite freaking out it's not like I hit you..." You mutter. Gamzee just gave you a weird look as you crawled onto the bed.

"It's not that..."

"Well what is it then!" You growled turning to him as you tried to turn your clothes inside in so that you could put them back on, once again you were face to face with your oddly shy friend.

"I fucking like you okay?!" He muttered angerly. You blushed.

"O-of course you do. We're brothers." You said still face to face with him as he shook his head tears welling up in his eyes.

"No...I LIKE you Karkat.." He said looking scarred and shy. _MAN...WHY DOES HE HAVE TO LOOK SO SWEET AND SHY? DOES HE KNOW IT MAKES LOOK CUTE LIKE SOME GIRl? _You thought leaning closer to him, his violet eyes widened as your lips brushed his again, you kept your eyes open, afraid you'd miss. Gamzee sat perfectly still, eyes wide in shock. "Karkat...?" He asked as you rested your head on his bare shoulder, you sighed, that felt..kinda good, weird but good.

"Sorry, I...I just wantred to try that..." You said flushing brightly.

"It's okay motherfucker. I...I liked it..." Gamzee said hugging you tighly. "Karkat...do you.. Think I'm weird...?" You lifted your head from his shoulder.

"No." You said. "I think your batshit crazy though." Gamzee giggled at that and kissed you, not just a simple touch but, wrapping his lips around yours. Feeling a little panicked, you pushed him away, never had kissed anyone you weren't sure what to do.

"I'm sorry!" Gamzee said pulling away again, a worried look on his face, his purple eyes watering again. "This is too weird..."

"No... It..it feels really good...It's just...I never kissed anyone before..." You blushed at the fact that your younger brother had done more than you.

"Okay...um...anything I can do to make it less weird..?" Covering yourself a bit you gave your moirail a neverous smile.

"Um...well... It might help if, I wasn't the only one...naked.." You said quitely and watched as Gamzee stripped off his poka-dotted pajama pants, leaving nothing as he pulled you close the dark haired teen kissed you again gently tugging at your hair as he wrap his arm around your waist. Panting you pull away resting head on his shoulder, wondering why all this felt so good? Last time you checked you were into girls, you never even thought of liking a guy let alone be doing stuff like this with one. You countiued thinking while a certain dark haired boy was kissing and biting your neck, when he had sunck his teeth into your shoulder you made noise. Covering your hand with your mouth you look away from Gamzee while he only chuckled and pulled you into his lap barely leaving room between your more personal parts.

"Heh it's alright. Just means you up'dand liked what I did."

"I know what moan is fuckass! Your not the only one in this house who what this shit is I just wasn't expecting it is all!" You raged into your friends giggling face.

"It's cool motherfucker. Guess you know how this feels then..." He grinned moving his hand and wrapped it around your hard member, tugging it up. You moan and arch your back causing the head of your cock to rub against his, making him groan a bit himself.

"H-Hey...Gamzee st-stop! That's...not right." You say but the was no way you ment it and that freak knew it. Compaired to jerking yourself off this felt amazing, even it was a guy doing it..._DON'T LIE. YOU HONESTLY DON'T CARE AS LONG AS IT ISN'T Y- _Your train of thought was interrupted by a pair of sharp teeth sinking into your should again.

"You gonna just me Leave hanging?" Gamzee asked wrapping your hand around his cock, blushing brightly you slide your hand along the length trying to think of everything you liked as Gamzee locked lips with you this time sliping his tongue into the mix when you moaned. You try and copy what he's doing and move your tongue against his. Damn all this felt so good... You thought pulling on Gamzee's messy raven hair making him groan and arch his back making your members rub together again.

"You feel-" Gamzee panted out while you just nodded, that had felt really really good. Gamzee grinned pressed you much closer together, he then took your hand off him and wrapped it around both of you.

"Fuck"

"Shit" Both of you cried out as you started to pump your fist causing you both to pant and moan as you felt hot precum bead at the head of your cock. Gamzee's hands which were placed under your hips were starting to wonder. Feeling his fingertips brush against something you definitely didn't want touched snapped you out of you lust for a moment.

"W-Wait!...What are you doing?" You asked looking away feeling quite embarssed by what Gamzee was doing.

"Um...I kinda tried it once and...it felt...Fuck. It was mericals okay?" Gamzee flushed and pulled his fingers away. "You don't have to try it okay...sorry. Shoulda up'nd asked. You don't even have to do it me.." he coutiued looking very embarrassed himself.

"...does it really feel that good?" He nodded and biting your lip you gave a small nod. Gamzee gave you a nervious smile and pushed you down on the bed, taking your cock into his mouth as slid a finger inside you. "Fuck Gamzee!" You cried out, not expecting Gamzee to suck you off while he slid his finger in and out of you, brushing against something that made you very hot and excited you felt a very familiar build up of pressure.

"Faster"You panted, fisting Gamzee's dark hair and fhomed him to take much more of you as well as pick the pace, seconds later you were spilling yourself into your friends mouth. "Shit! Fuck! That's gross I'm sorry Gam."

"It's fine bro. Just tasted a little weird." He grinned."...um...Wanna try something else..?" he asked removing his hand you nodded shly, so far it all had been amazing and you couldn't see why you should stop now.

"Okay..will you roll over?" You rolled over and Gamzee positioned himself on top of you, placing kisses along your back and shoulders. "Karkat..."

"...yeah.."

"I love you..."


	16. Sick

A quiet whimpering brought you out of your memories. Good thing too, you didn't really liked remembering the next part, it hurt in more ways than one. Opening your heavy eyes you found your moirail right where you left him last, slumped in the stiff hospital chair beside you, only now his face was crinkled in pain and his nails were biting into his hands. _HE STILL HAS NIGHTMARES?_ Ever since the first night Gamzee spent with you, you knew he had nightmares. Sometimes he'd shake and cry all night other times he'd just wake up screaming. His night terrors would scare him so bad sometimes that he would just stand around silent and lifeless for days but, you had thought he had grown out of the childhood scares.

"Gamzee..?" You ask wrapping your heavy,sluggish fingers around his thin, pale wrist and tried to shake him. He jerked under your touch and stared wide eyed at you before fully coming out of the dream. "You okay..?"

"Heh...Ain't I supposed to ask that..?" He chuckled and gave you a strangled smile. It used to freak you out, how no matter what he was feeling he'd smile through anger, pain, sorrow and joy. After years you learned to read other parts of his face to find his true emotions just as he learned to translate your insults.

"Ha, yeah...guess so." You try to laugh but the action caused to much pain. "Fuck." He gave you a worried look and smiled. " Feels like that time we got sick on pot brownies and shots... Man was dad pissed..."

"oh fuck... I almost forgot about that time. MaAaN it Motherfucking took weeks of wicked cleanin' before we up and got all that puke and shit out of the carpet." Gamzee chuckled softly before raising his violet eyes to your own red. "Sorry about that...hadta Get the pills out'ya.. They pumped your stomach too... You know... I-...I thought you were really...You die six times just on the way here..." His voice cracked and he dug his nails back into his palms again._SIX...I DIED SIX TIMES...?!_

"...Well that explains the lights..." You wenced again. "Is that what you dreamed about?" Gamzee grew quiet and stared at the floor. Just like with his illness his dreams were something he never discussed unless he really felt he really needed too. Sighing you opened your arms to the lanky teen. Gamzee crawled onto the hospital bed and laid beside you, careful not bump your heavily bruised stomach as he rested his head on your chest.

"Will you sing brother?...Just til I fall asleep?" He asked in a small voice that reminded you of every night the two if you spent together. You smile softly and rest your head on his and wrapped your arms around him just like you did as kids.

"_I herd there was a secret cord, that David played and it pleased the the lord but, you don't really care for music do ya?" _You sang softly into his messy dark hair. "_It goes like this, the fourth, the fith, the minor fall and the major lift. The baffled King composing Hallelujah...Hallelujah, Hallelujah..."_ Closing your eyes you rocked your younger brother to sleep and countiued singing long after his breathing evened out and his quiet snores filled your ears.

* * *

Standing outside Karkat's room you couldn't believe what you were hearing, you never knew Karkat could sing let alone was amazing at it. His usually loud and mildly raspy voice was now soft as it rose and fell with the melody as he sung.

"_It's not a cry you can hear at night, It's someone who's seen the light, It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah...Hallelujah...Hallelujah...Hallelu~Lujaaah..."_ Gathering your courage you walk into the room carrying the snacks you had gotten after being questioned about both Karkat and Gamzee, after pumping Karkat they seemed more worried about Gamzee because of his strange behavior on the way here. You wish you could be of more help but sadly you don't know anything about Gamzee's medication or his condition for that matter, all you could tell them was how your friend acted without his meds.

"Hey...I brought some um...snacks.." You say and offer him the baggie you had already had your fill of cheap hospital food. "He asleep?" you ask sitting in what was Gamzee's seat.

"Yeah had a nightmare. What doctor say?" Karkat asked staring at the cherry yogurt he had been playing with.

"They're gonna keep you here... on suicide watch and to make sure theres no...uh side effects...from the pills. Other than that they said you'd...uh have some stomach problems for a while..." You explained recounting the three earrings in Gamzee's right ear, one navy blue, one teal and one colbot blue right in front of the bright green Leo symbol.

"That's understandable..."Karkat said in between bites. "Hey! You stopped stuttering!" Your eyes grew large as you did a mental recap of everything you said. He was right.

"It only happens when I get excited or neverous... They would've kick me out of drama club if I couldn't get my lines out..." Karkat nodded shoveling the rest of the yogurt into his mouth. "Hey...KK?"

"I saw you two last night."

"W-w-Wait! WHAT!?"

"I saw you and Gamzee in Equius's truck..." Karkat fixed his bright red eyes on you.

"I-I'm sorry...G-G-"

"I know who started it...your not the only one who's been with him." He smiled softly and kissed Gamzee's forehead. "Just...don't make the same mistakes I did.." Karkat countiued no longer staring at you but brushing the dark hair away from your sleeping friend's face wrinkling his nose at the small puddle of drool forming on his chest.

"I-I not even s-sure that...we're um...you know..dating..." You say shyly, flushing bright red._ hE SOUNDS lIKE AN OVER PROTECTIVE PARENT..._

"Hheh. Not to ruin Gam for you but, he's been around...But when he really cares for some he...acts stupid. Stupider than usual. Like the stunt in the truck...He likes you. He just doesn't know how to say it." He grinned widely his usually hard face softened and his blood red eyes lit up. "Unless he asks to draw you...Then your as good as taken."

"Draw..?"

"It's something he picked up as a kid...help keep him calm when the voices got bad."

"That's um...What I wanted to um...ask you about..." You started and tried to tap into your theatre voice. Karkat tended to get frustrastuttered you stuttered and you really wanted to talk to him. "How exactly... is Gamzee sick...?"

"Guess you have a right to know..." The small teen sighed, laying next to the tall lanky teen only made him look smaller. " Gamzee suffers from schizophrenia...He was already diagnosed and taking his medicine when he moved in with me and dad, he was eight."

"S-Schizophrenia..? At eight years old?"

"Early signs can be see as young as five..It kinda scary. I guess.." The albino explained brushing the away from the back of Gamzee's neck and pointed at a long raised along running diagonally across the pale flesh above his shoulders. "Did this to himself after the voices told him to hurt me...said red made them stay quiet. I can't imagine living that way, the things he tells me... It's enough to make you feel sick. Watching him get sick from his pills or hurt himself in a fit. The things he screams in his sleep...It's worse than what I went through tonight."

"Like that time he stabbed me?" Karkat nodded. "They said that he may have been taking something that shouldn't be prescribed to anyone..."

"What? What the hell has he been taking?!"

"Poision."


	17. UmkARKAT?

**State wide drug recall for the state of California.**

* * *

This is a recall for the drug _Soperbisium_ commonly known as **Soper **and was used as an experimental treatment for those suffer from Schizophrenia and several other mental disorders. Anyone who has been prescribed this drug should contact their doctor and doctors should cease all usage of this drug.

* * *

**Soper**, although it contains safe amounts of anti-psychotics and was originally designed to be a safer alternative to Clozapine but has recently been found to be toxic and all experimental usege stopped. Some of the toxins found in Soper include high levels of both Lithium and Sulfur, Nicotine,which is highly poisonous when ingested in large quantities as well as a diluted liquid form of the hallucinogenic drug PCP.

Due to its highly addictive and poisonous nature Soper has a high mortality rate when misused, causing death upon withdrawal as well as overdoses. Doctors and patients should both watch for;

**Stomach pain,**

**Fainting or dizziness,**

**Blackouts,**

**Excessive**** Vomiting,**

**Blood in vomit,**

**Unexplained memory loss and**

**An inability to speak or communicate.**

As these are signs of an over dosage. Symptoms seen upon withdrawal are:

**Hallucinations,**

**Violent thoughts or urges**

**Urges to harm yourself or others,**

**Homicidal/Suicidal thoughts or behaviors.**

If you or a loved on has had any of the above symptoms contact your doctor immediately!

* * *

"HOLLY SHIT! How in the ever loving taint-chaffing FUCK did this pass regulations! SULFUR?! What kinda of fuckass back ally crack job of a doctor put SULFUR IN MEDICATION!? WHY NOT FEED THEM ARSENIC WHILE YOUR AT IT?! And NICOTINE?! WHAT DO YOU WANT? TO HAVE EVERYONE BE COKED UP JUNKIES ON THIS SHIT?! PCP too?! YES! Just what those lunatics need! MORE FUCKING VOICES RULING THE HALF ROTTED SHITT OF A THINK-PAN!? YES WHY NOT GIVE DIRTY NEEDLES AND FUCKING TELL THEM TO SWALLOW THE DAMN THINGS!?" Karkat screamed into a poor nurse's face after discovering that Gamzee had been lock in the psych ward to wean him off the poisonous sludge. The fact that the tiny albino was not only alive but, already willing to pick a fight after just three days of rest was nothing short of one of Gamzee's fabled miracles.

"C-Calm done Kk." You said tugging the teen from off the desk. The situation had gotten way out of hand and frankly it was starting to ware on you after three nights in the hospital. "I'm s-s-sure they'll let us visit."

"I'm afraid that only Mr. Makara's family will be permitted to vi-"

"THAT'S BULLSHIT. I AM FAMILY!"

"K-karkat..."

"I PRACTICALLY RAISED HIM WHEN I WAS FOURTEEN!"

"Karkat!"

"AND IF YOU THINK FOR A FUCKING SECOND I'M GOING TO LET THAT ABUS-"

"THAT'S ENOUGH KARKAT!" You scream throwing the much smaller teen into a nearby waiting chair and pinned him so he wouldn't move. "Do you honestly think your the only fucking person upset by this?! WELL I AM TOO! GAMZEE MEANS AS MUCH TO ME AS HE DOES TO YOU! But throwing some Goddamn temper tantrum won't fucking solve anything so sit the FUCK DOWN AND SHUT UP and let these people do there jobs!" You growled at the tiny teen before realizing his wide red eyyou were watering and he was trembling beneath you. _i...i sCARED HIM?_

"I'm sorry Karkat." You say pulling him into a loose hug. " I think we both just need to get out of hear for a while okay? We can always call and see how he's doing right?" The nurse nodded smiling softly.

"I'll allow it in this case. The both of you should head and get some much needed rest in the mean time." She said as you helped your new found friend out of the chair. "By the way you two are a very cute couple!" You flushed at that remark and pushed Karkat out the door before he could start another fit of rage. Both of you took a cab back to Karkat's tiny house since you had offered to help clean up the place only to find a note taped to the now fixed door.

_:33 Hey KarKitty! Equius and I heard you were in the hospital :(( So we came over to see if you out yet but the house was such a mess! Equi fixed the door and we tried to clean...YOU HAVE TOO MUCH STUFF! We ended up just putting things back into their boxes (GOOD THING YOU LABELED THEM!) you can put them back were they go okay? :33 See you at my pawwrty! ENJOY FALL BREAK!_

Karkat sighed and unlocked his front door.

"Might as well stay the night since your already here.." He called checking the rooms. "Wow..I really don't have to do anything.." He came back out ruffling his thick black hair.

"W-was everything in boxes?"

"Yeah...Never saw the point in unpacking when I didn't have room for everything..I'm surprised it all fit in that old apartment.." The tiny teen said before throwing himself on the couch and closing his eyes. "I've only lived here for about a year now."

"R-really?" You ask siting in chair nearby and thumbing through the phone book, you needed something besides hospital food in your system.

"Yeah Gamzee bought it for me after the whole 'relationship' mess. Dad had died and all he left me was the apartment with Gamzee and all his crap. 'Said if you do'wanna stay I won't up and make ya' bro. Buy you a motherfuckin' wicked house here soon' two weeks later he dropped off the keys."

"How'd he get the money...? He got a job or something..?

"Heh..Not that he needs it but, he baby sits and does parties for some kids. He's set for life though. His mom left like a quarter of a million dollars in her will after she died and his dad sends around ten grand or so a month in pity money. Plus the stuff the government gives him cause he can't really work, freakin clown's loaded and stills stays in that third rate apartment." Karkat shook his head. _wELL THAT EXPLAINS HOW HE PAYED FOR MY LEGS..._ "Bet he still sleeps on those tore bed sheets too."

"Bed sheets...?" You asked dialing Chinese take out and ordered noodles and broccoli and rice for yourself.

"I'll tell you if you grab me beer from the freezer and throw in some egg rolls into that order." Nodding you got him a beer and one for yourself. Karkat opened and slammed half of it before you even took a sip from yours. "I'm not gay. Lets get that out of the way right now. Aside the whole fucked up train wreck with Gamzee and a drunken make out with John I don't even remember I've never had any feelings for a guy... Or at least that's the way Gamzee would tell it..."

"Anyways.." The tiny red eyed boy sighed. "The whole bed sheet thing is kinda of an inside joke to me and self in forced promise to Gamzee... that as long as he felt the way he does..he'd never change those ratty sheets off his bed. No matter who he's with.."

"Why..?"

"Because...It serves as a constant reminder of the night he hurt me..." He sighed heavily and drank the rest of his beer, you got up and got him another one. This story wasn't making sense, Gamzee never- well would never hurt his friends when he's himself..So why hurt Karkat? They were brothers...of sorts.

"Wait...Why would he hurt you? He love's you to be pieces..." You frown inwardly at the last bit.

"Heheh...Didn't mean to. Just happened..." Kk leaned back and stared at the ceiling before closing his eyes and continuing with the story. "It was April fifteenth and we were stoned heh, off our punk asses on this freaky purple looking weed Gamzee got...I told him was gonna dye my hair before high school started, so kids wouldn't pick on me and freak asked if he could draw me...naked. It kinda freaked me out but, I think I was too high to really care too much. While he's drawing me I keep thinking about how pretty he is, especially his big purple eyes next thing I know I'm leaning over him and we ended up kissing..on accident at first then on purpose...heheh guess you can say the whole thing was my fault since I was the one who kissed him and.. suggested he strip too... He told me he liked me...then I was in his lap...we were touching and kissing. It felt good" He smiled widely, a little drunk at this point and reaching for your neglected beer.

"It felt...REALLY fucking good...God." He grinned even wider and looked over at you. "And then...he was on top of me... he asked me to roll over. Said he loved me...I know he meant it...I always kinda knew he felt that way...but...Man...I really didn't know how much or what I was getting myself into..." The grin that was plastered across his face faded and he tugged off the sweater he had been wearing and shook as he turn his back to you. You gasped at the network of bright raised scars the covered the back and shoulders. Large painful looking puncture wounds stood up on his neck and shoulders.

"O-oh My G-God...G-Gamzee...did that..?"

"Heheh.."Karkat gave a nervous giggle and sat back down not caring to put his shirt back on. "Yeah...loses his shit during sex...guess it gets hard to keep all the voices at bay when you can hardly remember to breath...He tore me I tore the bed sheets trying to keep from screaming...had to get stitches... got permanent muscle damage in my neck and right shoulder.."

"Holy shit..."

"Yeah...He's gotten better over the years. Now his bitches get off with couple dozen bruises and a limp." He laughed smiling brightly again. "You might have to deal with rope burn though." He giggled finishing off his fourth beer.

"Now why would I have to worry about that?" You called giggling, a little buzzed yourself, not being much of a drinker and answered the door for the delivery man.

"He'd loved to tie up that cute ass of yours!" The giggling albino called from the living room causing the man to quirk an eyebrow and walk off smiling.

"KARKAT!"

"Whaaaaat! It's TrUuu! I even know how he'd do it too!"

"Oh my God. No! stop! whatever it is stop before I hit you." You flushed and tried to cover the little teen's mouth, having herd enough about Gamzee's tastes last thing you needed was Karkat giving you mental pictures you'd only have to deal with all night. You ended up giggling as he nibbled your hand until you let him go.

"LETS CALL ERIDAN!" He shouted grabbing the phone and dialing away.

"I thought you hated him..."

"NOooo! He's fun at parties!" You sigh and grab the phone hanging it up before anyone answered and got another beer for yourself, you were gonna need it if you were gonna keep up with Karkat and his new more party-girlish personality. "You know you act all tough when Gam's not around."

"Eheheh and you act like a girl." You teased feeling a little more comfortable with a little alcohol in your system. Karkat rolled his eyes and wrapped his arms around your neck causing you to flush brightly as he looked up at you with his crimson eyes and face flushed from his beer intake. _sHIT...hE LOOKS SO CUTE..._

"Whats a matter with that huh..? Don'cha like girls..?" He grinned. "Or do'ya only got a thing for boys...?" He asked sliding a leg between yours, luckly the phone rang. After politely or as polite as you could be, removing Karkat's grip from your neck you grabbed the phone.

* * *

"Hello?"

"H-hello? Jade oh t-thank God! You s-save me." You laugh a little nervously.

"Ooh? Is everything okay? What are you doing at Karkat's house?"

"Um..w-we're fine. He..invited m-me over..."

"OH THATS GREEAT! But, why do you sound scared?"

"HeeeY! Who's Thats!? Is It ERIIIiiii?" Karkat shouted from the kichen.

"Oooh NOooo. He's drunk..."

"Y-yeah..and um...he..h-he's.."

"Hitting on you?" John's voice rang out. Guess they had you on speaker.

"Yeah..."

"Hahahaha...He hits on anyone when he's like that. Nothing to worry about."

"B-but. Gamzee..."

"Look it'll be fine." "Yeah! Just don't let him get sad!" The siblings assured you. "Gamzee doesn't mind sharing. Me and him had fun together so just go for it!"

"B-"

"Have fun~" They sang and hung up. _i dON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING WITH HIM..._You thought as Karkat walked over to you, swapping the phone with a red plastic cup filled with an equally bright red liquid.

"Look Karkat..."

"Sssssssh! DRINK! It'll cheer you up! Who needs Eri anyway? We can have fun all by ourselves." Karkat smiled and took a swig of his drink. "I didn't drug it see?" He took your cup and took a big drink of it. Sighing, this whole situation was starting to remind you Vriska, the fun seemingly nights of drinking games (most you skipped out on) and giggling that always ended in fights and accusations.

_"Do you love me? Than why are you cheating on me? YOU ARE AREN'T YOUUUUUU?! I knew IT! Is It Nep...?"_ _fORGET THAT!_ You'd rather drink until you got sick than relive that. You had loved Vriska and really had cared for her but, you just weren't attracted to her and that wasn't anyone's fault! You couldn't help it most girls couldn't even get you to look twice, some got you going but, those were few and far between...Without thinking you slam the sweet cherry flavored drink and felt it burn it's way down your throat.

"Wow..."

"Good huh? Careful though! Even Gam can only handle like four of them." You nodded already feeling dizzy, you really didn't drink much and never hard stuff like whatever that was. Sitting down on the couch you felt someone crawl beside you and start rubbing your shoulders making you hum happily.

"Kk, what are ya' doin'?" You asked as he stripped off your over shirt and the t-shirt underneath and began rubbing your back. You leaned your head forward and let Karkat run his hands over you, guess there wasn't any harm in that right? John was right you and Gamzee weren't dating and he was the trampy type.. might as well get a good back rub out of this..but... "No funny busnis' Kay?...I ..I don't anything weird between you, me and Gamzee kay..?"

"Aww but, why not..? Not like you guys are dating...plus...I'll show what that freak likes..." He mumbled into your neck as he slid his hands down your arms and- _Click_ WAIT! Handcuffs?! "Heh betcha he'd think it hot the two of us together...OH! Wheres..that camera!?" Karkat jumped up to find the camera leaving you bound on the couch. You would get up if you knew your legs would hold you and you didn't Karkat would be able ,or want to for that matter, to pick you off the floor if you fell. Great...just like Vriska... Irons and all. Karkat returned shortly, now only in red boxers and with the camera on and filming. The only thing about you being intoxicated was the fact it made you feel WAY more confident than you did sober.

"Say Hi to Gamzee Tavros!" Karkat giggled from behind the camera, you straightened up and shot Karkat a dirty look, he needed to know you weren't just going to let him walk all over you. "Wow...You kinda look like when you do that...All strong and fierce you even got the shaggy do and muscles to go with it!" Okay that caught you off guard.. You a KNIGHT? Man Karkat must be drunk to think that...but, your hair was longer than your typical fluffy Mohawk..you really needed it cut. Glancing down at your copper body you caught site of all the muscles you had built weight lifting with Equius, he said it'd make using the chair easier and you still did it from time to time. Maybe Karkat was right...You looked fit and healthy but, _dAMNIT! I'M GOING TO BE HIS PLAY THING! aT LEAST UNTIE ME!_

"Let me go Karkat!" You growled trying to sound intimidating like you did at the hospital. Karkat just grinned and set the camera on top of the t.v. "I SAID RELEASE ME!" God could be any worse at this? It was totally a against your nature to act tough and demanding. The fact that you had any confidence being held captive by some horny little albino was amazing enough as it was.

"Oh com' onnnnn! You know you like it! When was the last time you got laaaid? and besides I bet you've always wondered what was like to be top." Karkat teased and you just flushed red. Was it really that obvious you were a bottom? _iT's PROBABLY ALL YOU SHYNESS THAT MAKES PEOPLE THINK THAT..._

"How do you know I haven't huh?" Now Karkat's teasing was starting to get on your bad side, the fact that you were almost always bottomed bugged the fuck out of you because half the time you didn't like it, most tops were too gentle for you. "How do know I haven't had some tiny little bitch like you under me?"

"Yeah...?" Karkat just grinned and licked the side of your neck making you sit up even straighter, you glance over at the camera and could the yes it was filming and from the little screen you could see it had a perfect view of the couch and everything that was going on. Karkat had switched from licking and kissing to biting, as he sunk his teeth into the spot right under your jaw making you moan and arch your back a bit, knocking your wrists together. _hUH?_ One of your wrist was now free and you felt a grin spread across your face. That little albino had tricked you and now he was going to pay for it and these stupid trick cuffs were going to help.

"Karkat..." You begged making your eyes soft and sweet while the smaller boy kept nibbling on neck as he undid your pants. "Karkat..Please..."

"Hmmm?" The albino hummed pressing his lips to the corner of your mouth brushing his fingers in teasing circles over your tented boxers. "What?"

"K-kIss me please..." You begged locking eyes with the pale teen. He grinned and kissed you, at first a teasing touch before kissing you roughly, flicking his tongue over your lips before pulling away again. Not that it mattered. Kissing him roughly you push Karkat down on the couch, clinking the handcuffs into place above his head and gripping the chain so the older teen couldn't move his hands, you pulled away from him grinning when you heard a little whimper escape his throat. "You know..." Grinning as you ripped down his boxers. "For someone who isn't gay your pretty hard right now.."

"H-hey! Shut up... AH!" Karkat cried out and thrashed against his cuffs as you drug your tongue over the head of his cock. Chuckling you repeated the action and looked up at your little prisoner. The pale teen's bright red eyes were focused on you as you blew a cool stream of air across his head, smiling as he tipped his back and rolled his hips up to you.

"You know what else..I think you're a closet bitch. I think you love being tied up and used like some play thing...Little bondage slut."

"L-let me..nnnh.." He panted as you kept flicking your tongue over him in slow deliberate strokes, normally teases annoyed you but, you didn't mind it so much when you were the one teasing and not the other way around. "Tav-..." The rest of Karkat's plea was lost in a moan as you sucked around him, going all the way down before pulling back up.

"You really want me to stop now?" The smaller teen shook his head.

"Just please let me go.." He asked and you jerked the hand cuffs up towards you, forcing Karkat up with them.

"No, Why should I? You said Gamzee gets off on kinky shit like this...isn't that who this video is for? Besides..." You said kissing his jaw before scraping your teeth against the pale skin on his throat gently biting when you found a sensitive spot earning a low groan from the boy. "I know you like this. Why else would have the damn things lying around." Pulling the handcuffs back you force Karkat to lean back with them, exposing his neck, smiling as you place feather light kisses along the sensitive skin making the older boy shiver and dig his nails into his palms as you took it a step further by wrapping your hand around his hard member and started pumping you fist quickly along the length, running you thumb across the slick head..

"TAv- Fuck!" He cried out leaning his forward so he could watch as you brought him close to the edge, his small pale body flushed and tense. You remove your hand and let go of the handcuffs grinning at his reaction. "What!?" He panted out. "D-damnIT! You..fuckASS!"

"If you say so.." Watching as Karkat's blood red eyes grew wide as you pulled yourself free of your boxers and started to positioned yourself at his entrance.

* * *

"W-w-wait! Don't..." You begged. _DAMNIT WHO KNEW THE KID WAS THIS CONFIDENT WHEN CAME TO SEX? YOU'D THINK A SHY GUY LIKE HIM WOULD BE A VIRGIN._...Even drunk as you were right now you knew Tavros was acting WAY more cocky than you have ever seen him act in the four years you knew him. "Don't do it yet..." Just the thought of being taken again without preparation made your whole body hurt, especially the scars on you right shoulder.

"I won't," Tavros smiled softly, he probably seen how scared you were dammit. "I'm a tease not a rapist...I won't really hurt you unless you ask for it." The dust colored teen said chuckling at the last bit and offered you his fingers, you take them into your mouth, curling your tongue around the digits making sure they were heavily coated with saliva before Tavros pulled them away and placed them just outside your entrance, looking up at you. You nodded and felt one slip past the tight ring of muscle.

"Fuck!" You cry out as you felt the slim digit work in and out of you, making you pant and moan.

"You've been doing this yourself haven't you?" Tavros teased regaining the confident demeanor he had earlier, leaning down to nip at your hips, grinning widely at the little whine that the action produced.

"S-shut up." You whined placing your hands on his chest, threatening to push him away. Tavros lifted his head and stared up at you with his large amber eyes.

"Heh, and you say I stutter too much." He said adding a second finger and curling them and hitting your prostate, making you cry out and arch your back. "Lie all you want but, you like this." He grinned into your neck, kissing it softly before sinking his teeth into a patch of unmarked skin.

"You...ah! You won't t-tell anyone?" You knew you were enjoying it but, it still felt wrong... You enjoyed doing these kinda things with girls and you loved Terezi so why would want to do it with boys too? Tavros smiled and removed hand placing a sweet kiss on your lips.

"I promise I won't..." He said pushing his way inside you. You cried out and tensed, you forgot how much this part could hurt. "You okay..?" Tavros asked. "You have to relax or I could rip you..." He continued in a shuddering breath, trying very hard not to move. The thought of having to get stitches again just made you even more nervous..

"Here..."Tav realeased the handcuffs and kissed on of the scars on your neck. "You so can stop if it hurts too much." Wrapping your arms loosely around his neck you sighed, forcing yourself to relax as he pushed the rest of the way in.

"Fuck!" When was the last time you took a guy, you couldn't remember... "No so fast..." You panted as the darker teen pounded into you, bracing his arm against the arm of the couch.

"Fuck sorry..."He panted resting his head on your chest, trembling slightly. "It's been a while..." You just nodded and bit your lip as he start to move again.

* * *

_dAMN... _It really had been awhile since you gotten some, let alone topped someone... It felt to good, Karkat digging his nails into you back as you moved faster in and out of of the tight little albino. Hearing him pant and moan as burried yourself deep inside him, feeling him bite down on your shoulders as he raked his nails down your back, felt way better than you remembered.

"T-Tav...Tavros." Karkat panted fixing his bright red eyes on you. "H-hurry... please..." You grin and lean down to kiss him.

"Wrap your legs around me." You moaned as he dug his nails into your back again. The small hooked his ankles behinde your back as warped you free arm under him, lifting him up a bit. You groaned as he fisted your hair and rocked his hip, meeting your now brutal thrusts. Feeling the build of pressure you open your eyes to catch a glance at Karkat's flushed face. The pale teen's eyes were closed and his was crinkled as his breaths came out in panting gasps._ tHATS SO CUTE.._ You thought burring yourself as deep as you could, empting yourself into the smaller boy. Karat continued to move against you for a few moments before spilling himself over his chest and stomach.

"W...ow..."

"U...huh" Karkat panted leaning his back, closing his eyes, tired. You lay down on top of him, too tired to care about getting sticky or the possible furry you could face in the morning, right now you just wanted to sleep. Wrapping both arms around the tiny frame under you and rested your head in the crook of his neck. A bright patch of scars stretched out in front of you, they almost spelled something out you almost wanted to read it but, your eyes were too heavy and you were already half asleep..

* * *

**Wow! That was aLOT of writing! And surprises... ^^; I really shouldn't type while tired...Oh well. THANKS FOR ALL THE VEIWS RECIEWS AND FAVIORTES! LOVE YOU MY FANS! Next chp is all about our fave clown ^^. **

**~HEARTS!**


	18. pAsT gHoStS

fUcK. You thought banging your head against the headboard of the hospital bed. It was so loud...so unbearably loud. The voices screaming and crying was nothing compared to _her_ voice.

_Murderer._

"No.."

_You killed me._

"No you killed yourself. I never killed anyone..." You cry and hide your face behinde your legs, a habit you had as a child. Hiding from her deep indigo eyes, that sick smile, fake love, fake smiles, fake, Fake, FAKE, FAKEFAKE! "I hate you..." Why not? She hated you first hadn't she? Kurloz and Arakam were always the favorites, they never got sick from nightmares and day terrors, never screamed bad words, they never hurt themselves or mommy. They weren't sick, like you were. _  
_

_Gamzee look at me! Gamzee Makrara! Look at your mother!_ Flinching you look up at your mother, standing pale and beautiful as ever. Waves of think ebony curls and milk white skin, a soft smile gracing her face but, it never reached her eyes. They were always cold to you. She regected you... Tossed you away and took in Arakam, a child from on of your fathers many affairs and loved him. Him, Kurloz and Mayrin but, never you, never you.

"Go away. You're not real." You growl at the woman in front of you. " GO THE FUCK AWAY MOTHERFUCKER!" You scream and throw a food tray at her. The others voices grew silent as she turned to you weeping. _mOm...MoM, i'M sOrRy.._

"Soper addiction?" A voice asked, a real voice..?

"Yeah, fuckin' shit rots your pan..."You started. "You're... You're up'nd real right? Just ain't like to be thinking you are only to get hurt later on."

"Yeah man. I'm real, names Rufio. In for some shit I did fucked up on acid awhile back." Rufio...? Didn't one your friends have a family member by that name?

"Gamzee." Growling at the still weeping form before you, God you hated that bitch but...

"Oh. No fucking way HB would flip his shit! Little baby Makara!?" That got your attention, no one called you baby Makara except for..

"Kurloz.."

"Nah man. I don't mind him but, I'm tight with Arakam. Shit never thought I'd meet you. Heard you were bat shit crazy though...Damn. Hey maybe when we get out we c-"

"Fuck off."

"What?"

"I MOTHERFUCKING SAID TO FUCK OFF MOTHERFUCKER!" You hated him, them, her! Hated them all, all the lies, the pain. Just like her.

"Look man I don-"

"Shut up. Shutup SHUTUP!" You screamed, him, the voices, the images all coming at you hard, if only it'd get quiet.. If you could just think!

_Mom on the bathroom floor. Tavros bleeding out. The blood splattered blanket . Dad crying. Kurloz's knife... Arakam..._

_You killed her! You killed her! Murderer!_

_"FUCKING MURDERER!"_

"Woa... Sssh S-S-sssh! Calm down. No body killed anyone... Fuck man don't cry come on..."

* * *

Looking at the pale figure curled up and crying on the bed you found it hard to believe that this kid was really related to Arakam, The Grand Highblood, king of the streets. This guy didn't seem violent at all just..scared. Watching as the thin teen shook and cried you couldn't help but, feel a little sorry for the kid. What kinda hell was he put through to make him like this? _Wouldn't you be fucked up too if you grew up with Arakam? _You frown, anyone would be after living with the sadist for years. Sighing you sat down on the bed next to the thin teen and calming waited for him to come back to reality. If soper was anything like acid then this kid was in for some hard shit, you only hoped he'd come out okay.

* * *

Your Mom was gone, the voices had disappeared too but the images- memories kept rolling. Nights spent screaming and crying, days were you spent hours hinding from your brothers. Kurloz wasn't mean, not like Arakam was, just loud and said hurtful thingswhen you started cussing. but, Arakam would hit and hit and hit until you cried and then woudl keepdoing it until you smiled or laughed. Your mother never believed you when you told her about it, she knew you had a habit of hurting yourself in your 'fits' and thought you were lying to stay out of trouble, even if you got bruises where you couldn't reach or you had cuts and scrapes she never believed you and your dad wasn't home enough to notice. Kurloz noticd though, and when mom was gone he watched you, protected you and even confronted both your mother and father about the beatings you faced. He was the one who was convenced them you were sick and he was the one who got your medician, a brand new kind that was suposed to help people who always, _always_ had nightmares he told you. You didn't like it, it made you throw up, made you dizzy and your head hurt but, the nightmares happened less. Until Arakam hid them from you...

_"Where are they?"_

_"I do'now!"_

_"Damnit Gamzee! Why do you have to shit like this!?" Kurloz screamed. "How are the nightmares?" He asked calmer now, his indigo eyes softening ._

_"Okay...i's'not so loud 'nymore and the pictures stopped..."_

_"OKay..Look just let me know if they get bad again..Okay? It VERY important that you do." _You promised and nodded and sat back by the door, they would be home any time now. Mom and Dad and Mayrin, your new baby sister...You couldn't wait, you would be the greats big brother ever! You sing and play with her and never ever EVER hurt her the way Ara did, you'd be kind. You don't know how long you watched the door before you felt Arakam behind you, him giggling as he tugged on your long black hair.

_"Hey Bard, wha'cha singing?" He giggled and tugged harder trying to make you cry out, you just leaned back a bit and quit the song you were singing without realizing it._

_"Don't call me that! Only Mommy can!" _You pouted and pulled his hands away, wincing at the pain as his fingers ripped through countless tangles. Arakam sighed and wondered off to pester Kurloz while you just sat and stared at the door. Mom and Dad didn't come home until early the next day but, you were still there to greet them as they came home, you helped them with heavy bags and to hand them all the drawings you made in your hours of waiting only to be dismissed by your mother.

_"Not now Gamzee! Can't you bother someone else?"_ Rejected you head up stairs and quietly knock on your eldest brother's door, Kurloz came out after a few moments to find you sniffling and holding back tears. Picking you up he carried you back down stairs patting your back and calming your tears, he set on the floor gently and walked into the living where your parents were seated. After a hushed conversation your older brother returned carrying a small bundle wrapped in a pale purple butterfly blanket and sat on the stairs beside you.

_"Here Gamzee, would you like to hold your new baby sister?" He asked raising his dark violet eyes to you. Nodding you carefully mimic the way he held his arms as he handed you the bundle, reminding your to watch her head. You simply nodded and stared awestruck at the pale pink face that stared back at you. _She you looked you and your mother, very pale skin, pitch black fuzz and large bright indigo eyes. Mayrin smiled at you and her small fists waved. Giggling you smile back and look up at your brother who just smiled softly and nodded.

_"She likes you bro."_

_"She's pretty, and smells soft." _You said leaning down and kissing your sister's forehead. Kurloz laughed quietly and carefully pulled her from your arms and carried the child back into the living room, stating that Mom had only allowed you a few moments with her. You didn't have to be told the reason why that was, Mom thought you were dangerous and that was all there was to it but, that didn't stop you. Every chance you got you spent by her side,especially at night when the rest of the house was def to her late night cries you would sneak into her room and rock and sing her to sleep. Her comforted by your voice and you comforted by her quite admiration of you, she fell asleep after few short lullaby and you felt calmer and safer yourself. During the first year and a half of her life Mayrin was your best friend and the only thing that seemed to keep the endless nightmares at ... everything came crashing down..

_It was warm late summer's night you and your sister were laying out in the yard on her small butterfly blanket as you pointed out the stars and told her the many stories you made up about them. Beautiful stories of bards and messiahs, of knights and heros, witches and thieves and how they were to become gods of new kind world, when a howl interrupted your latest story. Howls and bird crys weren't uncommon at this time of year but, they sounded much closer than normal. Getting up you tell your sister to stay by the swingset and knew she'd listen to you. You were gone only five or ten minutes...Just long enough to find Kurloz when mom couldnt be found...it was only ten_ minutes...

"Hey, man you okay?" Some one asked. You look up to find a pair of soft amber eyes watching you, without thinking you wrapp your arms around the copper colore boy in front of you, crying softly and apologizing for things that were never really your fault.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know Tavbro...I really didn't...I was only seven!..." The darker teen wrapped his arms around you and held you tight.

"It's... Um, well really sweet you know my cousin and all but, I'm not Tav, I'm Rufio remember?" You nodded and quickly pulled away from the near stranger, feeling at odds being completely since you were eight. The voices were loud once more but, you were kinda used to that by now, it was rare when they be silent and in all honesty you preferred the noise to the echoing silence and the images that always followed.

"Sorry I up'nd motherfuckin' flipped my shit...Fuckin been crazy past two weeks, no weed, no meds nothing to motherfuckin keep me calm and shit. Hurt myself couple times..."

"It's cool man, I know how it is I only checked myself in here because I thought I might have a relapse ya' know. Shit happens with acid sometimes be fine for years and then out of nowhere you get some freaky ass trip and wake up with three twos and half a face wondering what the hell happened." You nodded. "I was gonna leave tommorrow but, now I just might stick around to make sure you don't end up like that.

"You can leave?"

"Whenever I want. But you gotta get checked out."

"By family...?" Rufio frowned and ran a hand through the bright red streak in his hair.

"Yeah... And I doubt you'd be calling Arakam anytime soon..." You shook your head and picked up a plastic bottle from the floor it's full and is marked with your name, nurse must of dropped it. You figure opening it and shaking out five pills and chewing them, letting the chalky powder dissolve on your tongue before swallowing the rest. Smiling you flop down on the bed and wait for the pills to kick in.

"Come on over here motherfucker. You may not be my Tavbro but, your just as cute and I can't up and get my sleep on without some motherfuckin' company." Hearing a loud sigh you felt a the bed shift next to you and felt a grin spred across your face.

"Fine but, if your crazy clown ass so much as tries to do anything I'll snapping you in half, Makara or not I don't give a damn."

"Whatever floats your boat bro, I ain't up to getcha all uncomfortable on. Just hate sleeping alone is all."

"Not helping your case." Laughing you rolled onto your side to stare at your new found friend. He glared at you before smiling himself and bopping you on the head. "Go to sleep you crazy ass I'll try and get ahold of Kurloz for ya Kay but, in the mean time go to sleep." You smiled and closed your eyes, you weren't looking forward to seeing either of your brothers but, you put that thought out of your mind and drifted to sleep.


	19. OH MY GOD

~twinArmageddons begain pestersing carnioGenecist~

TA: hey diip2hiit you remeber what you diid yet.

CG: SHUT UP NO HAVEN'T YET!

TA: 2eriiou2ly? iit's been liike two weeks..do you want me two tell you?

CG: ALL I KNOW IS THAT TAVROS WAS INVOLED AND NOW HE KEEPS GIVING ME THESE WEIRD ASS LOOKS. ITS FUCKING FREAKY!

TA: you two have gotten really clo2e all of a 2udden. iit's kiinda freaky you two never reallly talked and now your all acting liike best friiends.

CG: YEAH IT'S PRETTY FUCKING WEIRD AND I REALLY DON'T TO ASK HIM ABOUT IT. I JUST REMBER GETTING HOME THE HOSPITAL HAD A COUPLE DRINKS WITH TAV AND WOKE UP HALF NAKED ON THE FLOOR AND I MESSAGED YOU SOMETIME BEFORE THAT.

TA: yeah...let2 not get iinto that. that2 one convo ii never want to reliive.

CG: OH GOD WHAT? WHAT DID I SAY? PLEASE TELL I DIDN'T YELL AT YOU FOR SLEEPING WITH GAMZEE. I WOULD FEEL LIKE A BIGGER ASSHOLE THAN I ALREADY AM.

TA: haha no you kiinda congraulated me on that. then you 2tarted bragging...

CG: BRAGGING? THE THE HELL WOULD I BE BRAGGING? WHAT HAVE I DONE THAT WORTH BRAGGING ABOUT ASIDE FROM MANAGING TO DIE MORE THAN FIVE TIME IN ONE NIGHT?

TA: oh cod you really don't remember do you?

CG: NO FUCKASS! THATS WHY I'VE BEEN BUGGING THE SHIT OUT OF YOU TO FIGURE OUT THE HELL IT WAS! IT REALLY CAN'T BE THAT BAD WHATEVER THE FUCK IT IS. I MEAN ITS NOT LIKE I CALLED ERIDAN AGAIN IS IT.

TA: iit could be better or wor2e depending on how you look at iit.

TA: here ii 2aved the 2tupid chat 2o you can 2ee for you2elf how retarded you act when your drunk. maybe you'll cool your 2hit.

TA: file name; 

TA: there. have fun with that diip2hit.

~twinArmageddons ceased pestersing carnioGenecist~

~open file~

~carnioGenecist begain pestering twinArmageddons~

CG: SOLLLX

CG:SOLLLLLLL

CG:SOL

TA: what kk, you eat one of Gam'2 browniie2 agaiin?

CG:NO

TA: gonna yell at me for 2crewiing your moiilraiil?

CG: nOOOOO. HESGREAT THOUHG.

TA: yeah...hold on.

TA: are you drunk?

CG: ALIL BIT WHY.

TA: your text ii2 weiird.

CG:SO1 gUESS WHAT!

CG: GUES

CG:GUES

CG: GUES!

TA: for the love of cod what kk!?

CG: I GOTS ABF.

TA: abf?

CG: A BFFFFFFFFFF

TA: you have a boyfriiend? you're 2triiaght. well execpt when your drunk liike you probably are now.

TA: 2o who'2 the poor 2ucker of the niight Ampora agiian?

CG: NOPEE

CG: GUES!

TA: look kk ii don't have tiime for thii2. iit'2 liike fiive iin the morniing ju2t tell me and get thii2 niightmare over wiith.

CG: ITS TAROS

CG: TAVOS

CG: TAVROS.

TA: holly 2hiit kk! Tav really? what the fuck diid your dumba22 do?

CG: FUN STUFF! (:B

TA: ii don't want to know.

CG: BUT IT HAD HAN

TA: II DON"T WANT TO KNOW KK!

~twinArmageddons blocked carnioGenecist~

~twinArmageddons unblocked carnioGenecist~

~close file~

* * *

You just stared at the screen feeling like a complete and total asshole. No wonder you Tavros has been acting strange around you, you fucking slept with the moron! God you could be so fucking stupid! You kept staring at the screen in simple disbelife until some else started pestering you.

* * *

~adiosToreador begain pestering carnioGenecist~


	20. d-dATING

~adiosToreador begain pestering carnioGenecist~

AT: uH,,hEY KARKAT. wHAT'S UP?

* * *

You stretched your fingers after typing out your shy message, you and Karkat were friends now you guess but.. you don't know if the two of you were anything else. Even though you were pretty buzzed that night you had a pretty clear memory of what happened and felt kinda- no really embarrassed by both your actions and now you found yourself in the vary position you were hoping to avoid, stuck between two palemates and both of whom you liked very much and both of them still had feelings for each other. _cRAP.._ It really much of an issue though, if you got the chance you would gladly take a chance on Gamzee. You've held feelings for the violet eyed teen for years now and you really wanted to show him how you felt but, before any of that could happen you have to make sure there's nothing going on between you and Karkat. You learned the hard way how bad relationships can end if you're not careful and you weren't about to repeat that mistake again.

* * *

CG: HEY TAV.

CG: ABOUT THE OTHER NIGHT..

CG: LOOK IM SORRY ANYTHING I SAID OR DID. I WAS REALLY DRUNK AND WASN'T THINKING CLEARLY. SO ANYTHING I. FUCK IM SUCH AN ASSHOLE. IM SORRY IF DID SOMETHING STUPID OKAY. I JUST FOUND THAT WE UM SHIT..

AT: uHH,,,sELPT TOGETHER? lOOK IT'S NO BIG DEAL KARKAT. i'VE UM,, dONE WORSE THAN THAT sO, uMM, ,, iT'S OKAY REALLY. i WAS JUST aH, wONDERING IF THERE WAS ANYTHING yOU KNOW... gOING ON BETWEEN US?

CG: GOING ON BETWEEN US? LIKE ARE WE DATING?

AT: yEAH,,,,

CG: I DON'T KNOW. DO YOU WANT TO?

AT: uM,,,,i LIKE GAMZEE AND aH, wHAT ABOUT TEREZI? aREN'T YOU TWO MATESPRITES?

CG: YEAH...SHE DUMPED ME AFTER SHE HEARD WHY I WAS HOSPITALIZED. SO I GUESS NOT. AT LEAST NOT NOW.

AT: wOW,,,tHAT SUCKS,, }:(

CG: YEAH... ):B SO, DO YOU WANT TOO?

AT: wHAT ABOUT GAMZEE?

CG: HES NOT GOING TO OUT FOR AWHILE. FUCKING HOSPITAL WILL ONLY LET 'FAMILY' SIGN HIM OUT BECAUSE OF HIS VIOLENT HISTORY AND HIS DUMBASS BROTHERS ARE ON TOUR WITH THEIR STUPID BAND.

AT: oH,,,, }:( wELL IT'S GOOD FOR THEM I GUESS,,, wAIT WHICH BAND? i MIGHT KNOW IT.

CG: SIGNLESS MURDER.

AT: }:)

CG: WHAT?

AT: mY COUSIN PLAYS IN THAT BAND,,, mAYBE HE CAN GET AHOLD OF THE MAKARA'S!

CG: SO THATS A NO THEN..NOT THAT I BLAME YOU. IM A SHITTY FRIEND AND IVE ALWAYS KINDA LOOKED DOWN ON YOU...

AT: NO! i DON'T THINK THAT AT ALL! aCTUALLY,,,,i UM, aLWAYS wELL KINDA ADMIRED YOU FOR BEING SO CONFIDENT AROUND EVERYONE AND uH,,, wELL JUST BEING ABLE TO STAY STRONG EVEN UNDER PRESSURE,,,,

CG: REALLY?

AT: yES,,,

AT: aND uH,, yES AGAIN,,, tO YOUR uM,, qUESTION AS WELL.

CG: SO WE'RE A THING NOW?

AT: yEAH UNTIL YO GET BACK WITH TEREZI

CG: OR YOU GET GAMZEE.

AT : wOW,,,,

CG: ?:B

AT: jUST,,,, nEVER THOUGHT I DATE ANYONE AGAIN,,,, aND NEVER THOUGHT I'D BE WITH YOU,,,

CG: ME EITHER. LOOK I'M GOING TO TRY AND GET AHOLD OF KURLOZ AGAIN. YOU TRY AND GET AHOLD OF YOUR COUSIN. GAMZEE REALLY SHOULDN'T STAY INSIDE FOR SO LONG. IT WILL MESS UP THAT ALREADY HALF RUSTED THINK-PAN OF HIS CLOWN ASS.

AT:oKAY, sEE YOU TOMORROW AT SCHOOL.

~adiosToreador ceased pestering carnioGenecist~

Smiling you look around your room for your cell before finding the darn thing under your bed next to a box full of Pokemon cards, flipping it open you call up your cousin and best friend, next to Gamzee, Rufio to see where their band was at and also see if you can get some tickets.

* * *

Clutching your sides as you watched Little Makara juggle various objects while trying to stay balanced on the rail of the bed. This stuff was too funny, everytime he'd drop something he'd try to kick it back up usually resulting in him landing flat on his ass in the middle of the items so of which would bonk him on the head causing him to let out a hOnK and fall dramticly back, you had been trying to catch your breath enough to help your friend up when you felt your phone go off in your pocket, since you checked yourself in your were allowed to keep it so you could alert family of your whereabouts.

"Hehehe, He-..y Wahts u-hahahahhaha!" You tried to get out before Gamzee hopped up and managed to slip in the process landing back on the floor.

"Um, H-hey Rufio. How ar-re you?"

"OH hey little man! Good better if my rips didn't hurt." You smiled and offered a hand to the pale boy after finally catching your breath.

"o-Oh are you h-hurt?"

"Nah..just laughing too hard. I'm at the hospital though, met this crazy ass clown in here to. HAha, man you wouldn't believe how funny he is."

"C-c-clown? GAMZEE!?"

"Yeah how'd you know? Nevermind, forgot there aren't to manny weirdos running around in this town."

"You're h-home?"

"Yeah, wanted to make sure I was okay before we headed out and Condesce want to see Fef so we're all here."

"Do you um.. th-think you could get one of Gamzee's brothers to sign him out...? I really miss him..he's my best friend."

"Uh...tell you what. I'll give you the hotel number..." You started looking over at your oddly quiet friend. His scarred faced paled as he realized what was going on.

"Don't...please bro don't..."

"Uhhhh...Rufio?"

"Yeah sorry. Look I'll text ya the number make sure to ask for KURLOZ Makara, in room 420,dig he's not there hang up. Okay? Don't even leave a message."

"Ummm o-okay but, I-is it alright...for me to call?"

"Yeah. Hey you wanna talk to your bro here? He hasn't shut up about you."

"S-sure!"

* * *

Rufio handed you his phone smilely brightly, you take it and offer him a doopey grin half he made sure that Tavros wouldn't have to interact with Ara, and even happier you get to hear from your best bro.

"Hey Tavbro what's all up and happening?"

"Um...w-well, Karkat and I are good friends now."

"Aww... That's motherfuckin bitchtits wicked bro. I wish I would've been there to y'all get your friend on and shit."

"Y-yeah... Uh Gamzee...?"

"Yeah motherfucker?"

"I...K-k-Karkat and I... We...We r-really miss you Gamzee."

"Yeah I miss you to Tavbro... Hey how was Nep's party? I bet it was all kinds of wicked with you all dressed ta miracles with your hotblush on." You smile at the thought of your Tavbro all dressed up and blushing, motherfucker was just to damn cute sometimes.

"Oh... Well uh...it got canceled... Nep said it wasn't r-right throwing a p-party with everything that's happened lately..."

"Well shit...I up'nd got my sorry on..."

"D-don't feel bad! She's throwing an even bigger one...o-once you get out that is..."

"I can't motherfuckin wait. I'll get to see my Tavbro all up and fancy..." You closed your eyes and tried to picture what be like partying with your best bud but, unfortuinately your mind kept wondering to other things... "Hey I'mma let you go...Gotta take my meds and get ready for group...Be safe motherfucker I miss you." You sighed and hung up the phone, tossing it back to it's owner. Grabbing your new orange life-line you shook out six pills, swallowing two and chewing the rest letting the chalky substance dissolve away and licking the powder from your hands.

"Isn't that a bit much...?" Rufio asked taking the bottle from your hands and lifting your face up to his, worry written all over his dusty features. He looked alot like his younger cousin just much more masculine and darker eyes more chocolate than amber. "Aren't worried about OD-ing?"

"Nah, Motherfuckin' got a tolerance ta most shit and if that Soper junk didn't kill this motherfuckin shit won't. C'mon we're gonna be late." You said pulling away from the dusk colored male growling at him, he was teasing you, not like he knew it but, he was tease none the less and it was really starting to get to after a near week and a half of being locked in a room with him. Rufio just smiled and playfully punched you in the arm, the two of you traded friendly blows until you reached the group room. The doctors figured that since most of the psych patients never got signed out or visted they had group to keep up person to person contact but, there was one person there you never wanted to see.


	21. New Friends and Surpises

Stopping dead in your tracks you notice a girl who was the mirror image of your ex-lover, jagged black curls and all except...something was off... Your girl never had any family, the only child of an only child.. there's no way these two could be related, maybe you're relapsing after all..Turning to Gamzee you noticed the heated glare he was burning into the back of the girl's skull as she failed again and again to open a jar of paint. Group was more like an indoor recess than therapy, it just sick people to interact with others to keep the normals from going crazy and the crazys calm. The whole of it was to relax as well as get used to meds or new wire and metal limbs but, with the hateful glare your clownish friend was tossing around made you fear everyone's safety. You knew for a fact that if his rage was anything his brother's it would get bloody and it would get bloody fast.

"Makara.."

"What the fuck is that motherfucking bitch doing here..." He growled shaking watching the girl with murderous intent, unsure of what to do you simply try to get Gamzee out of the area resulting in a feral growl from the pale teen. Whatever this girl did to warrant such aggression, you couldn't let Gamzee hurt her, not only would it cause him permanent placement if he seemed too violent for society but, it would force you to relive some memories you'd be happier forgetting.

"Gamzee. Come on leave her be!" You hissed and tugged your unwilling friend away and sat him down in a nearby chair, where he still glared at the girl.

"GODDAMNIT!" She shouted and threw something across the room startling some of the children who were musing about the area. On of the nurses on duty frowned and went to get the object while another one just scolded her.

"Ms. Serket! I know you are frustrated but, that arm cost alot of money and you lucky to get such a well made limb without paying for it."

"Shut up, shut up, shut up! It suuuuuuuuks, it's some shitty piece of plastic someone threw out because they got a new one. It doesn't move and I'm better off without it." The nurse just sighed and laid the cracked arm on the table next to her, leaving the girl to struggle with the jar again. This time she grabbed a small butter knife (used for clay) and popped the seal on the lip, causing it to flip off flinging orange paint every where, not that she cared, she had won and that was that mattered.

"Looks like she up'nd got what she motherfuckin' deserved." Gamzee grinned and picking up some crayons and started drawing happy at her distress. Frowning you headed over to her, what harm could it do? After getting up close you noticed how bad her amputation was, she was missing her entire right arm as well as part of shoulder and half her face was bandaged. She hadn't noticed you yet as she pulled out more jars and popped each one with her knife before turning to you.

"P-pupa?" She asked staring wide eyed at you for a moment, casting a glance down at your legs before regaining her composer and letting a haughty smile spread across her face. "Stiiiiiiill having trouble with those new legs? Ha, how paaaaaaaathetic."

"I don't know who the hell Pupa is but, I know a certain blue eyed girl who just threw a really _Pathetic_ temper tantrum over a jar." You say with a playful grin, waving the fake arm at her. Her blue painted lips drew up in a snarl and her deep blue eye narrowed.

"OH, you think you're soooooooo high and mighty now just because you got new legs!" She hissed and kicked you hard in your shin making you wince and grab the area. She may not be related to Marquise but, damn the too of them should've been twins. Both bold, violent and beautiful and had a nasty habit of kicking you. You laugh and wrap and arm around the one armed girl, causing her to flush and push you away. "Just who the hell are you? There is _NO_ waaaaaaaaay you're Pupa. You look like him but, he's to much of a whimp to stand up to anyone."

"The names Rufio Nitram, lead guitar of Signless Murder." You grin.

"Never heard of them. So you're like what? Pupa's stupid imaginary friend? The freak talks about you aaaaaaaall the time." She asked rolling her eye and turning away from you and to the small canvas already set up and tried her best to paint and draw with her left hand.

"Nah, if Pupa's Tav we're cousins. What are you a friend of his or somethin'? because I know your not one oh his.." You tipped your head towards Gamzee who seemed to have befriended a young girl.

"Oh, crap."

* * *

Grinning at your drawing buddy you put the crayon you using aside and grab a pink one, smiling as the girl grabbed a bright purple. She kinda reminded you of your sister, if she had lived to be this old. Large moon shaped blue eyes, a soft round face, thin with a short black fuzz on her head. The two of you were drawing each other in bright bold colors giggling when her face got sad and serious looking.

"Gamzee...?"

"Yeah, lil' sis?"

"Do...are you..sick..?" She asked quietly, not looking at you.

"Yeah...up and been since I was little..."

"Are you...is your body sick...?"

"Nah...it's my pan, my head...it messes things up...makes everything loud and scary."

"Mine too...does it hurt...?"

"No.. I hurt people sometimes...and sometimes... They hurt me back...That's how I got these." You smile and felt the already familiar tugging of you scars stretching.

"So it doesn't hurt you but...it still hurts..." The girl said many to herself. "Are you going to die?" She asked turning her large eyes back to you.

"No...Are you scared sis?" She shook her head and smiled sadly.

"I've been suck for a long time too...You kinda get used to it...and you wonder if it wil be so bad...I've some friends here but a lot died before I got really sick. I just hope I get to see them when I leave..." You give her a glum and then she smiled brightly and looked up. "I wonder what it's like...heaven you know? Do you believe in heaven?"

"Wel.." You say sitting up and leaning your back against the wall. "I guess I do my wicked sis. I heard it's all up and changin' for everyone. But I guess I do...What do you think it's all up to being?" You grin thinking of your messiahs and bards.

"Well...I don't know... What's your heaven like?"You grin even wider and stood up.

" A circus!" You shout throwing out arms wide. "A gaint party of large green purple tents, with clowns and bards and messiahs. Wicked party with all my brother and sisters and all the Faygo you can drink." You smile giddy just thinking about such a wonderful place. The shimmer, the lights, faces full of paint and the music of bards. You really did believe that was what awaited you in the after life but, no need to hurry on your way there, the afterlife was good but, it's ment for the dead.

"Wow!" Your new friend jumped up just as excited as you. "That sounds so fun! Can I go to your heaven too?" She asked her deep blue eyes shining with hope. You grin and pick her up.

"I don't see why not? It'll wicked with me." You smile at her and honked her nose when idea popped into your noisey pan. "In fact I'll bring it here! In your excitment you nearly dropped the young girl causing her to squeal, you placed her down in a small chair and ran over to a nurse and as best as you could, explained your idea to her. She seemed worried and unnerved about giving a psych patient complete control of a such large project but, after pleading and explaining, or atempting to anyways, what you were trying to do she finally gave in as long you kept up on your meds. Agreeing you got some help from Rufio and begain setting up your surprise.

* * *

**This is sort of a filler chp ^^; sorry but I hate doing soo many short chapters and there just wasn't anymore plot I could add in here with it being like 5,000 words. (Waay too long for one chp) OH! before I forget I'm going to start up a new story ^^ another homestuck one with trolls! ~-^ Check It out if you like and please reveiw! I love hearing from you guys! Well bye for now. ^=^**


	22. Marks of a Makara

Frowning at your phone you look over at your younger brother who was busy dragging an Exacto knife across his arm making a thick ring of blood around the swollen flesh. You never understood his obsession for body modification, which caused his forearms and hands to be too large for the rest of his body. The remaining flesh was marked in his scarification practices. You heard a sound, a cross between a growl and a whine. You smile at your girlfriend who crinkled her nose and offered him a towel, he wouldn't take it but, she still thought she'd try. Later the two of you would help clean up any bloodstains from the floor, Akaram may not care but, the two of you hated trashing the hotel room especially in such a disturbing way.

"Damnit!...Where the hell is Rufi?" He growled, snarling at his knife before grabbing another. Meulin tilted her head and signed to you, _What's wrong?_

_Nothing_. You signed back and smile softly. _Just some asshole givving me trouble again. Drama queen here is lookin for his lover._

"I motherfucking hate it when you dipshits do that assbackwards shit. What the fuck is she saying now?!" Your bother growled sending a hateful glare at your still signing girlfriend. Meulin provoked him for many reasons, one was the simple fact that she was female and therefore couldn't be trusted, another was because she was involved with you 'the perfect child' who always made him look bad and lastly because she was deaf and could often times wouldn't speak for fear of embarrassing herself. You often translated her messages and wrote them down for him. Having caused her deafness you went through drastic measures to be sure you almost never spoke. You hard parts of your tongue be amputated after an infected tongue piercings and had your lips held shut by multiple others, you could speak if you really felt you needed to although, it felt like a betrayal to Meulin.

_You better __speak__ to him...You don't want him angry again..._ You sigh, giving into the pressures of the situation and unhooked some of your interlocking loops.

"She says Rufio checked himself into rehab. He was scared he might have a relapse from all the acid you guys did a couple years back, he'll be back before our gig. The rest is none of your business." You growled at your brother, he stood and loomed over you, his large dark purple eyes glassy and his face curled up in a twisted sneer.

"Fine." His sneer changed quickly into a friendly smile. Which was worse, the man here in front of you or the young teen living in fear of himself. Akaram walked off into bathroom to finish up the newest additions to his scars.

_Sorry.._You signed to Meulin, you hated how often you broke your vow of silence even if it was for the best interests of you and your matesprite.

_It's fine. Now who's bothering you? _

_Karkat._

_The little albino again? What does he want? To rub it in your face how bad you messed up and how he's better than you?_

_No...Gamzee's in the hospital._

_Again?_

_Yeah...I might need to sign him out...  
_

_He hurt?  
_

_I don't know.  
_

"Kurloz! Some motherfucker called for you earlier. Fucker kept stuttering and shit, left a number." Your brother yelled from the bathroom. Sighing you drop your hands to your sides and went to see the number scribbled over the top of pizza box and pick up the phone and stared dialing away.

* * *

"Hello?" You breathed into the phone, trying not to let out a noise as Karkat started kissing your neck. Ever since the two of you started dating Karkat had become kinda... well, sex-crazed. You could barely keep the little albino off you even in public! Not that you minded, it was just little -really awkward at times, how he acted and it was totally unlike the Karkat you knew. This side of him was semi-hopeless romantic who was always trying to go out of his way for you and now that you thought about it...It kinda wore you out and got on your nerves.

"Yes, Is Tavros Nitram there?" A polite but, slightly gargled voice spoke on the other line, making the harder sounds come out a bit slurred.

"Um...Y-yeah. This is h-him." You make out trying to gently push the smaller teen off your lap. "M-may I ask who's um..Ah! c-calling?" Glaring down at Karkat who had recently latched his teeth on to your shoulder and giving him a sharp tug on his hair. "Knock it off" You whispered.

"Kurloz Makara. Should I call at later time? You seem to be having an issue..." Stiffening you let out a low groan as Kar nipped at your collar-bone and snatched the phone away from you.

"Tavros is busy, so make it quick!" The tiny albino growled at the caller. Grinning you placed a kiss on the older teens throat chuckling when you felt him tense and took the chance to get a second look at the net work of scars that covered the area. Even after seeing Karkat naked dozens of times by now, you barley got a chance to look at the countless red raised lines that covered his small pale body. "Oh...Hey Kurloz..." He frowned at the phone as you carefully nudge his head to the side, most of time he was careful to keep the marks hidden, said even Terezi hardly saw them but, for some reason the older teen was wondering around his house without a shirt on allowing you to get a chance to take a better look at the aftermath of the first night Gamzee and Karkat spent as a couple. You frown at that thought, Karkat was a great guy but, other than sex you had no real intrest in him.

"Yeah...You know? Oh..yeah...WELL LO-..." Karkat coutinued on the phone while you forced that jealious train of thought out of your mind and focused on the red-pink marks that covered the area over his right shoulder up to meet his neck. These ones always caught your attention, one because the were the deepest and two because these are the one's Karkat tried to hide the most, he had even tried to put makeup on them once or twice. "Yes...It's about the recall, yeah turns out the Soper shit was poision...Can't only family can...I tried, fucking nurse just threw us out...about two weeks... Oh you heard about that too? THAN wHY THE HELL DI- ...oH..." You place another kiss on the older teen's neck and stared at the marks while he argued with the oldest Makara brother. You felt Your eyes grow wide as you relized that the scars not only formed a pattern but, spelled something out..

"Yes. I KNOW THAT FUCKASS!...Yeah meet you there.." Karkat sighed and hung up. "That was Kurloz.. He's taking Gamzee out today and wants us to meet up there...What the fuck are you staring at!?" He yelled at you while you just stared awestruck and mortified.

There along the side of Karkat's neck spelled out for everyone to see was the fact the he was foever marked:

_mInE_

* * *

**Wow... I wasn't expecting to write that heh ^^; but I hope you all still enjoy it heh. And thanks to EVERYONE who reads this story ^^ my little fandom brightens up my day. It really surprises me how many of you guys like it but Wow... Thanks! ***anime sparkle hearts***** I love you guys!**

**~Knox ^^ **


	23. pRoMisE

The ride to the hospital was long and unbearably quite, even with loud pop music pouring out your radio. _DID HE SEE IT? OF COURSE HE SAW IT! HE WAS STARING RIGHT AT IT._ You thought staring out at the road ahead of you, your boyfriend, if you could really call him that, of the past few weeks sitting next to you. Tavros was really fun to be around now that he was comfortable around you but, you knew this relationship was headed no where. He was fun to hang out with and more than willing to climb into bed with you, even let you top him(something you've never done before) but, it was time to face the facts. The copper teen had no real interest in you and was already annoyed with your somewhat silly attempts to be romantic with him.

"Tav.."

"Yeah Karkat?" He answered turning his amber eyes on you. You flush a bit, partly because you knew he saw the freaky scar on your neck, the embarrassing mark that clearly stated you were permenently Gamzee's bitch...and partly...

_OH MY GOD YOU'RE REALLY RED FOR HIM!_ You felt your face grow brighter as you come to the sudden realization. You held real feelings for the copper teen and now that you knew that how were you gonna let him go?

"Are you...mad at me?" You ask rather than saying what you wanted should say and end the false relationship going on between you. Tavros sighed and wrapped an arm around you neck, careful not to distract you from your driving.

"Just...a little annoyed is all." You glance over at the younger teen who was now looking out at the road. "You're kinda clingy Kar and...well...needy. I liked you better... When you're all...well um...confident...and kinda brave.. But now... It's like.. You can't do anything without me..." Tavros sighed. "It too much at once...too much for just two weeks"

"I...I'll cool it okay? It's...weird for me too." You say quietly, sneaking peaks at the much larger teen. Without that shy flustered expression plastered across his face he looked...kinda regal...like a knight... _NO_... You shook your head... He maybe strong and powerful looking but, his eyes were too soft...face too boyish..._A PAGE, NOT QUITE A KNIGHT..._**_  
_**

"What...what about Terezi...?" He asked fixing his amber eyes on you once more.

"Heh... Color-crazed tramps probably licking every inch of Strider as we speak..." You frowned, you had forgotten about her. You loved with all your heart but, never really could show it, constantly sending mixed signals and fighting as much as getting along. It was a wonder she didn't leave you sooner, you thought walking into the hospital, it was late and visiting hours were nearly over. Guess they didn't care when you were taking another freak off their hands.

"You really love her... Don't you?" Tavros asked, you nodded and watched as the copper and dust colored teen caught sight of a tall, lanky, clown standing in a small crowd of children.

_Yeah...Just like you love him..._

* * *

"Gamzee!" You blurted out excitedly causing a dozen small eyes to turn your way. Gamzee smiled and lifted up one of the girls and met you half way.

"Hey motherfu- I'm mean lover." Gamzee said quickly correcting his mistake. Several of the group, mainly compossed of young girls, broke out into giggles.

"Almost!"

"You should still but a dollar in the swear jar!."

"Yeah...We didn't have one until you got here!" Gamzee just laughed and shook his head, while you just quirked an eyebrow.

"Man Tavbro! I up'nd just 'bout broke payin that MOTHERGRUBBIN, thing." He said playfully causing more giggles and outbursts.

"You should here what he says instead!"

"So this is Tavros!"

"BUCKET!"

"EEeeeeee! YOU'RE riiiiight he's SOo cute!"

"NOOK!"

"When are you coming back!"

"Bone-buldge..."

"We're gonna miss you."

"You two should kiss!"

"Yeah! Kiss!"

"KISS,KISS,KISS!" You just stood there flustered as the girls quickly fired on sentence after another before starting chanting their command much to your increasing embarrassment. Gamzee grinned and leaned over and placed a quick peck on your hot cheek.

"Awwww!"

"Wait that's not fair!"

"Give em' a real one!"

"Yeah!" They continued, Gamzee frowned slightly and opened his mouth to say something before the girl in his arms, the youngest whispered something into the pale teens ear, making him grin and nod. The girl smiled in return before quietly hopping out of the lanky teen's arms. Grinning widely Gamzee wrapped an arm around your waist and brushed a kiss your fevered forehead and cheeks, leaving grey and white smudges behind. Blushing you look up at your best friend and brush your lips against his. Smiling the pale teen pulled you closer burying his face in your shaggy hair (When were you gonna get it cut?)

"Heaven just wasn't up to being right without you..." He whispered holding you tighter, blushing you hug Gamzee back, resting your head on his shoulder and smiling when you heard a low rumbling growl deep in the tall teen's chest. _hE PURRS _You thought chuckling a bit as the happy growling carried on, you hadn't even noticed how long you two were standing there until you heard someone clear their throat. Quickly pushing away the purring clown you turn to find Rufio and Vriska standing in the hall. Your cousin grinning widely and chuckling while your ex attempted to burn a hole in the floor with her gaze.

"Sorry but, I think your fan club got bored and ran off..." Rufio smiled. "Might wanna wipe you face Cuz, Kurloz can get kinda over protective of his baby brother." Gamzee tensed and his purring growl stopped dead at the mention of Kurloz. Rufio must have caught on to that and frowned and shrugged. Vriska kept staring at the floor, her jagged looking curls hiding her pretty blue eyes. You frowned at that, you had loved Vriska and even found it in your heart to forgive her for taking away your legs, it wasn't her fault you weren't attracted to her or yours even...but, God did it hurt the both of you...

"Where is he...?" Gamzee asked releasing his hold on you and running a hand through his think, tangled hair. "Is Kar with him..?" He asked quietly, you couldn't believe your eyes. Gamzee, Gamzee bat-shit-ride-a-unicycle-through-a-window-crazy Makara was acting... scared and shy. _wHY? wHAT IS IT ABOUT HIS FAMILY THAT MAKES HIM ACT LIKE THIS...?_ You wondered as you noticed to figures coming up behind Rufio and Vriska.

* * *

You walked, grinning softly while Karkat ranted and raved about how the whole signing out process would've been easier if you would've just spoke instead of signing your end of the conversation. The albino was funny and obviously cared about your brother which, kinda made up for the fact that he treated you like trash most of time not that bothered you really, you deserved it and took the insults and accusations as well as you would've taken praise. Actually...you probably took the verbal beatings better, praise wasn't really something someone like you deserved. You smiled politely to show the red eyed teen you were listening but, he had stopped in his tracks staring at something. Turning your head to look, you growled and wish you hadn't because not only did you find one Nitram but two and one of them was standing dangerously close to your youngest brother. You turned back to Karkat and...Wait..Was he...Crying? Sure enough the small boy's bright red eyes were glossy with them. _Why..?_ You fallowed the young boy's line of sight to the dust colored teen standing by Gamzee. Your eyes went wide as you quickly realized the situation, the younger Nitram was Karkat's lover... but..? Your violet eyes narrowed as you noticed the smears of grey and white makeup on the copper teen's face. He turned to look at you and quickly swiped at the smudges a little too late.

"Karkat."

"What do you want Fuckass?" He bit out hiding behind childish anger.

"What is the relationship between those two?"You ask watching the two interact... for some reason the happy scene was bothering you. You wanted your brother to be happy but, not if it involved him being with a Nitram, they couldn't be trusted.

"Just some crush...They both their eyes one each other for awhile now.." Karkat shrugged and shook away the small tears that were forming. "Fucking knew it..." He mumbled under his breath.

* * *

Kurloz walked over to you, standing in between you and your Tavbro. Growling you glared up at your eldest brother who just smiled a polite and controlled smile and offered you his hand. You stared at the pale flesh like it would detach from it's owner and attack. This was the first time you've seen Kurloz in person since you moved in with Karkat and to honest you would have been perfectly happy to keep it that way. He gave upon you just like everyone else had...Why should you welcome him back when he was the one you who left you. Abandoned you to Arakam's sick games where he'd beat you until you cried and again until you laughed, left you with no one but a father who was never there and an abusive fuck to raise you.

"I'll up and ride with Kar and TavBro."You said stepping around the man in front of you and headed out on your way, only stopping to grind a few chalky pills between you teeth and promise the girls that you'd stop by again soon and bring heaven too. You never could stay angry around kids for some reason...little kids just calmed you down the way were always so happy..Bending you placed a small kiss on the top of head of Ariana, the youngest of the friends you made here and who you believed to be a small gift from your messiahs a reincarnation of your beloved dead sister Mayrin.

"You're gonna keep your promise right?" She asked tugging on the edge of your hoodie, you smiled and nodded.

"Yeah my wicked sister, I promise I'll all up and get ta tellin Tav."

"About everything you said?" She stared up at you from behind her large blue eyes.

"Everything." You promised and grinned, giving her one more kiss on the cheek before leaving._ eVeN aBoUt YoU lIl' SiS..._


	24. pB aND UH,,,, j

Standing it the middle of Gamzee's apartment you've never felt more out of place than ever, it was the first time you have been inside the small living space.

"Go and Get'cher motherfuckin' chill on." Your best friend smiled tugging off his shirt and tossing it down the hall before heading to the kitchen for a Faygo and popped something into the oven. You smile shyly and sat down on the only piece of furniture there trying to ignore the large stain on the floor and along the bottom edge of the couch. "Fell off the motherfuckin' couch. Up'nd broke a glass table, fucked myself up too." The pale teen smiled draping Bhis arms over the back of the couch. You blushed and looked out at the relatively empty living room, what did Gamzee do for fun with no games or working t.v?

"Uh...G-gamzee..? What do you um...do for fun..?" You asked turning to look up at your tall friend. The clown was just staring at the wall across from the two of you, watching something you couldn't see. "Gamzee..?" He shook his head and dipped his head down to look at you, grinning widely.

"Lots of things Tavbro, just up and do whatever I feel like. Most I'd all up ta be jugglin' or slamin Faygo." He said knocking foreheads with you and smearing more white paint across your face. You smile and were glad that Karkat decided against hanging out with the two of you, it was kinda selfish but you really had missed the violet eyed Capricorn and weren't about to pass up a chance to get some face time with him. "Although we could somethin' alil' more fun" He said said with a grin and tug on your hair, causing you to flush brightly.

"L-like what...?" You asked feelin' shyer by the second. Most of the time you'd get relaxed and comfortable in these kinda of situations but, with Gamzee you never really knew what to say or do, the guy was just so out there it kinda threw you off. Gamzee grinned at your bright red face before leaning down and nipping your nose, causing you to squeak much to his amusement.

"Sloppy makeouts?" He grinned, brushing his against yours before pulling away. "Nah...Later." Gamzee laughed at your surprised expression as he headed back into the kitchen, damn tease. You heard the oven door open and shut before your lanky friend padded his way back to where you were, carrying a small pan. grinning widely he scoped up a hand full of what look liked brownies and ate it, offering you some of the still hot mix.

"Um...Gamzee...W-what is that..?" The brown substance looked like brownies but, smelled kinda funny witch really isn't surprising since you've had some the weird yet oddly great tasting food the clown has made before..still, it hurt couldn't asking.

"My motherfuckin' miracle brownies." He said as you cautiously pick up a half mushy brownie and place it in your mouth. It tasted weird and kinda dry but, good, really good if you were honest. "Careful though, Tavbro. Too many will fuck you up." You frown at your friend as he scooped another big handful into his mouth and swallowed, a dopey grin spreading across his smeared face. You should've guessed he'd put something in the mix but, whatever it was it couldn't be too bad could it?

"Theres...n-nothing _too_ bad in these...uh, is there?" You asked staring at the brownie.

"Nah, just alil' pot is'al... Ain't motherfuckin illegal or nothin' gotta card from the doc and shit." Gamzee said tipping his back and closing his eyes, his dopey grin growing wider as slouched further down into the couch. "Motherfuckin' medical shit is wicked. Keeps me all up an' bein' calm... Keeps things quiet..." The clown turned towards you and slowly opened his violet eyes. You felt your face grow hot again and smiled back at the clown, your head was already feeling kinda fuzzy. It's been a long time since you had done any drugs... they last time you did you found yourself in bed with Vriska and a few other people, you really hoped pot wouldn't be as hard as heroin.

"G-Gamzee..." The clown made a noise that showed he was listening. "Whats it like...? t-The voices...the things y-you see sometimes.." Gamzee opened his eyes again and sighed heavily. The pale teen pulled his long legs up to his chest and hugged them tightly, smearing grey and white makeup all over his poka dotted pants. Raising his head again he offered a half-smile.

"I'll tell you if you tell me how you up'nd lost your legs.." His voice was soft and strained like it was that night on the way to the hospital. You frown and move closer to your friend.

"uh..." You started and tapped into your theater voice. If Gamzee needed to know what happened it was probably best if you could get your words out. "B-back when I was..Dating Vriska I didn't really know...I was..You know... So the longer we dated, the more I uh...Failed to um...Raise." You flush trying to explain this part, remembering vividly every time you failed... most of the time ending in Vriska crying and screaming accusations. You hated seeing her cry you loved her so much...You just...couldn't show her... "Every time it happened...she would get um...well, violent... she'd yell or hit me...Sometimes sh'ed take me out to parties and make me do things..with her and..um, her friends. But, nothing seemed to uh, work..." You sigh and glance over at Gamzee, your friend's usually relaxed and stoner-like composer had faded into something still and violent. Taking a deep breath Gamzee closed his eyes, forcing himself to relax enough to speak.

"Go on Tavbro...I got my chill on.." The clown said grabbing another brownie from the pan. Nodding you take a deep breath, this is where things tend to get to you.

"O-one day..." _dAMN...vOICE IS GIVING OUT ALREADY..._You sighed trying to stay calm yourself. "Me an' her g-g-gott int-ta a fight..." You could still remember everything like it was yesterday.. Vriska showing up while you had Aradia over. You were just talking to her... Trying to figure out what was wrong with you? Why did Vriska hate so much now when just a few short months ago the two of you seemed so perfect together...? "A-a-a-Aradia was there..." Your voice started to shake even more than usual as images of what happened next flickered in your mind.

"I-i-i.. I didn't want Ar t-t-ta seee me g-get... hit... p-p-p-people k-kep as-skin 'bout the...bruises..." Sobbing now you turn away from your best friend, who face had flashed from mellow, to rage, to sorrow. "I-i-I L-l-lovedd Vriska... I d-didn't w-w-want herr in t-t-trouble... evenn... Even if i-it h-h-hurt... I ran outts-s-ide... S-she came a-f-fter m-me...Yell-ll-ling..c-c-cal-ll-ing m-me n-names...W-we were d-d-down the str-r-reat..." You closed your stinging eyes, you could remember everything that happened next... Vriska's twisted blue painted smile as she pushed you...then the last chance jerk that pulled you to the ground as Aradia swerved to miss you, crushing your legs just above the knees in the process before your head crashed against the pavement.

"I-i-I g-guess Arr kn-n-new...th-th-ats why s-s-she followed us..." Gamzee pulled you into his arms and buried his face in your fluffy hair, shaking heavily but, he somehow managed to keep his voice steady as he spoke.

"It's alright Tavbro.." He hushed, calming himself as much as you. "It was an acident..ain't your fault Aradia crashed and it wasn't your motherfuckin' fault that the two of you got hurt... C'mon now... can't up and get your cry on when it wasn't your motherfuckin fault..." The dark haired teen said softly, lifting your face up to his, his deep violet eyes were still glassy but, you could still see the ritch dark color inside them. Nodding you wiped your eyes again.

"W-will you still tell m-me about the voices...?"

"Yeah motherfucker" He smiled sadly. "But you can't all up'nd getch your cry on...My Tavbro should smile when he's with me." Grabbing another brownie he sighed and rested his head on your lap, staring up at the light above him.

* * *

Tipping your head back you force air into your lungs...God why were you so scared? You've told other people about what you heard and saw but..._tHeY wErEn'T tAvRoS..._ They last time you told someone you really knew, not a doctor, about the voices was when you and Kar were kids. He thought you were kidding, a joke, that you were just messing around but, you really were scared...

"It's dark...when they start...I can't up and see what's goin' on or...I up and see my mom and shit. All while they're mothinfuckin screamin and cryin'... " Without thinking you wrap your arms around Tavros's waist and hide your face in his lap, shaking. _fUcK..._ Just talking about it hurt... Bringing up Mom hurt...it all fucking hurt so much and you couldn't understand it!

"Fuck...it hurts...Everything hurts." You whimper shaking harder, hoping you wouldn't freak out like usual. "They...FUCK! They..." _GOD FUCKKNG DAMNIT! why couldn't you really talk about them?_

"Uh...Gamzee...?" Tavros asked causing you to raise your head. "How about I ask a different question..." The dust colored teen offered pulling you into his lap, flushing brightly the whole time. You smile warmly and run your hands through his hair.

"Sure motherfucker...Man how you get your hair so motherfuckin' soft?" Smiling you playfully tug on the chocolate colored fluff making the shorter boy groan quietly. Chuckling lowly you do it again hoping to get Tav's mind off the troubling issue of your pan and move on to better things.

"Um...W-Ah! What's up w-with all the...uh, body jewrly..?" He managed to get out while you let your hands wonder from his hair to the small of his back.

"Oh. All this...?" You turned your eyes skyward to the small bit of red plastic and metal dangling from your eyebrow. "I up'nd got 'bout thirteen of the fuckers. One for me and my bitchtits friends." You added with a grin.

"Thirteen...? I um..." Tavros blushed making you grin wider as he shyly continued. "uh, only counted eleven..."

"That's 'cuase I don't always got 'em all in." Sticking out your tongue you show where one of your many peircings went. " Some be up tA' gettin' in the way sometimes."

"Well... Where's the uh, other one...?" Your friend asked looking really confused and a little worried. Laughing you got up and motioned for him to fallow you back to your room once you reached the small room you handed the shorter of you two a small cup filled with random bits of plastic and metal while you striped off your pants, wiping the final traces of make up away and taking out most of your put four, a red eyebrow for Karkat, your first love, a green lip ring for Nep, your first kiss, the orange belly button peircing, for Tavbro, a long time flush-crush and the one you rarely showed people.

"If you want I'll up'nd give ya one. Even help ya get it done." You grin flopping down onto your bed, your brownie buzz was really kicking in now. Tavros made a weird face before coming over to sit beside you. "How can you up'nd getcher comfortable on all those clothes...? Don't ya feel so... Motherfuckin' trapped?"

"Uh...not really..." The dust and copper teen said tugging off his over shirt and shorts, leaving him in just his boxers and t-shirt. "But. I guess I should uh... Get relaxed seeing how it's so...um Late." He added leaning over to pick up his clothes and caught site of a large box under your bed.

"What's in here Gam?"

"Toys." You said without thinking as Tavros pulled it out.

"Like Pokémon...?" He asked flushing brightly as you fully got ahold of the situation. "Uh..." Your friend started as you quickly pulled the box away from him, inside were an assortment of vibrators and other toys that'd make anyone feel embarrassed about.

"Sorry Tavbro.." You offered blushing a bit yourself. "Shoulda up'nd warned ya.." You started to put the box away when Tav surprised you by grabbing it and pulling a few out.

"H-Hold on...Let's see what all you have... It can't be that bad right?" He said blushing slightly but, looking more confident than normal. Why not? The worse thing that could happen is you got embarssed and that wasn't really too bad. Grinning you two looked through the box. Most of it was just dildos and vibrators but some other things earned you a few looks where you'd just laugh and shrugged.

"Okay... This you have to explain..." Tavros said holding a short chain leash and leather collar. Grinning you reached for the collar. "You ever use this?"

"Yeah, motherfucker. Why would keep it if I din't?" You said strapping the collar around your neck, after years of practice you didn't really need to check and make sure you left enough room to breath, having learned how tight you could wear it safely. "See ain't that hard to explain... Just up'nd put it on... Although I'm not up tA wearin' it."

"But... It looks so good on you." Your friend said, slipping a finger through the metal loop in front and playfully tugging, earning a sharp growl from you. Smiling now the dusty boy pulled harder, jerking you towards him. "You know... You never did show me that last piercing..."

"Motherfuckin tease..." You growled low in your throat as Tavros nipped at your neck. Your quiet growling became a full out snarl as you heard the familiar click of handcuffs.

"Aw... Come on Gamzee." Tavros giggled as his buzz started to kick in. "I'll be gentle..." He smiled pulling you into a kiss by the collar and sliding off your boxers, brushing his fingers against you as he did so, making something jingle quietly. Pulling away you let out a strangled moan and glanced down.

* * *

Grinning you opened your eyes and looked for whatever had made the jingling sound, blushing when you found another piece of body jewelry.

"G-Gamzee...? Is that a...?" You asked running the pad of your thumb against the piece of metal peaking out of the head of Gamzee's cock.

"Uh...huh.." The pale teen panted resting his head on your shoulder as you took a better look at the...interesting...piercing. It looked like a danglely belly button piercing really... Even had a purple gem hanging off the bottom. The only weird thing about it was the fact it was hanging from such an odd place and didn't hurt when you played with it. "Tav... St-ah! ~p..." The lanky teen begged as you gently tugged on the piece of metal. Gamzee panted and groaned as you hooked the leash to his collar, palming his growing erection the whole time.

"Wow...You're really liking this..." You said feeling excited yourself. Taking your hands off the dark haired boy only long enough to strip, you grabbed one of the smaller toys from the box nearby and held it up to Gamzee's mouth. He sent you a heated glare but, sucked the toy into his mouth, locking hisendow dark violet eyes with yours as he did so. "Damn tease.." You grinned.

"So are you motherfucker..." He panted as you pulled the vibrator from his mouth and slowly pressed it inside the pale teen making him cry out when you turned it on. "FUCK!" Gamzee flushed leaning back onto the toy and moving shamelessly in front of you causing you to moan yourself. Jerking on the leash you pulled the lanky boy down and thrust your cock inside his panting mouth.

* * *

Trying your best not to gag you stare up at your crush, who was currently using both the leash and your hair to force himself down your throat. Normally you hated being in this kind of position but, Tavros was acting so confident you found it hard to fight back not to mention how hot he looked as a top. He pulled away, giving you chance to breath and ajust yourself on top of the teasing toy inside you.

"Sorry Gamzee...but, you seemed to like it..." Tavros panted leaning down to kiss you. Taking the chance to steal back a little dominance, you slide a knee between his, shuddering at the cool feel of metal and leaned into the kiss, slipping your tongue into the mix when the darker teen let out a surprised moan. Gripping the chain Tavros pulled you into his lap just a little to far, causing you to fall on top of him.

"I need my motherfuckin hands Tavbro." You growled unable to lift yourself up you decided to bite the small teen under you causing him to buck and roll his hips against yours.

"FUCK!"

"DAMN!" The two of you cried out as he kept moving against you, the cold metal of his lower legs making you shiver as they brushed against yours. Grabbing you by your hair Tavros pulled you off him before pulling out the vibrator and positioning himself behinde you. "Ready?" He asked licking his hand and slicking himself up.

"Yeah..." You panted, after all this teasing you honestly couldn't care less who was top as long as you got off tonight. Without warning Tavros pushed his way inside you, making you tense for a second before you remembered to relax. Wrapping your leash around his hand the dust colored teen pulled you back onto his lap, forcing himself deeper inside you as he thrust in and out. "There! Right... thEre..." You cried out as Tavros struck your prostate, pushing you closer to release.

* * *

Panting you rest your head on Gamzee's shoulder switching between kissing and biting as you lost yourself in the tight heat that gripped you. Gamzee's posesive growls quickly faded into low moans and curses as you pumped your fist along his neglected cock in time with your now brutal thrusts, stopping to toy with the bit of metal hanging from the slick head, causing the pale teen to arch his back and claw at the sides of your stomach as his thin body tensed.

"Tav... Imma FUCK!" He cried out tossing his head back and came, covering his lap and your hand in the process.

"G-Gam..Zeeee.." You groaned emptying yourself into the dark haired teen. Wrapping your arms around the thin frame in front of you, you smiled and tried to catch your breath.

"Tav...?" Gamzee asked, his voice thick with sleep already. "Mind unchaining me...?" Nodding you remove the leash and handcuffs before pulling the tall boy down beside you, the clown was already more than half asleep.

"Night Gamzee..." You yawn about to pass out yourself.

"Night...Tavbro..." Gamzee barely got the words out but it was the last almost silent part that made fall asleep with a smile on your face.

_I love you..._

* * *

**IM SOOOOOOOOOO SORRY! I've been meaning to update but school keeps getting in my way! Please take this Pbj as a peace offering. ^^;... I WILL update again soon (hopefully...) I hope you forgive my lateness...**

**~Your flustered author Knoxy**


	25. mOrNiNs WiTh KaR

**WOW! I can't believe how far this stories come along... Hard to beleieve it's almost over. Just one part left! Thank you all for all of the love, praise and support! Because all my fans I'm going to write a squeal and a whole other story(maybe!) Thanks you guys ^^ enjoy the read. **

* * *

Groaning you sit up in your bed, whole body sore and arms tense. What the fuck did you do last night..? Stretching you lean way back, brushing your fingers against the pillow, making your back crack in several places. You hated waking up, your body never wanted to listen to you and your think-pan was always up in a fog. Standing and twisting your body in every way you could, making your bones snap and pop, with a groan you glance over at your bed to find someone curled under the covers. Who the fuck was that motherfucker...? Couldn't be Sol, he was still pissed over the whole Karkat thing...The swimmer? Nah... Too busy runnin' around after his girl. Kar...No motherfuckin way. What the hell was going on with your jacked up pan to even up and think something like that? "Tavbro...?" You rasped out your voice rougher than normal. _oH yEaH..._ You grinned remembering last night. Man that was so mOtHeRfUcKiN' wIcKeD. Grinning even wider you lean down and kiss the top of his head. Man how the hell you ended up in bed with a miracle like him you would never know but, thanked the messiahs anyway. One more twist and another series of sick cracks and your body finally felt like its usually topsy, turvy self now, to fix your think-pan... No point in even trying to sleep now, you weren't sure but, you could only sleep if you were stoned off your ass. Humming you stepped into the shower (way too cold but you didn't care) and scrubbed away the stickier reminders of the night before, not even stopping to unfasten the collar that hung around your neck. After the too short nap and too cold shower you felt awake and...sober. Really sober... _no...THAT IS NOT MOTHERFUCKING HAPPENING!_ Fuck food or anything else for that matter. You needed your fix. RIGHT THE MOTHERFUCK NOW! Shaking you look around for your pills or your stash, something to dumb you down, mellow you out. It was alright to go a day or two without when you were alone, the worst thing that could happen was you break your furniture (exactly why didn't have much) or throw yourself through another window (exactly why you liked apartments) but, Tavros was here... Last time your were sober you stabbed him! The only reason he lived is Karkat hit you in the back of the head with a sickle before you could drive the bow all the way through him. _where is everything... MOTHERFUCK! why were always so motherfuckin' stupid?_ You thought searching through the rumpled clothes on the ground before hearing the familiar rattle of pills in a bottle. Grinning you grab around for the bit of orange plastic and pop about seven pills in your mouth. The doctor said take four but what the fuck did he know? Not a motherfucking thing, just that you heard voices and were violent...He didn't know about your mom...about what the voices said...about the other side of you...the side you tried so hard to keep under control.

Chewing and letting the burning, chalky powder dissolve away on your tongue. You really hated waking up. The fogginess, the soreness, the fight for control... sometimes you wish you would just fall asleep and never wake up. After letting your drugs kick in you consider getting dressed, Tav was still asleep and it was too early for most people during the weekends but, the growling in your stomach changed your mind, clothes could wait right now you were too motherfuckin' hungary. Padding your way out to the living room you could hear what sounded like giggling and semi-loud music next door. Picking up the leftover brownies you bang twice on the wall you shared with the Harley's earning you a knock in return. John was always havin' wicked parties and you were more than welcome to join but, all the bright lights and music just reminded you of the old tapes of your mom...Against your own advice you grab on of the tapes and turned on the VCR, Mom had been on your mind alot lately and as much as hated her sometimes... she was your mom. Growling lightly you watch as your mom flipped, turned and twisted herself up, that was another thing you got from your mother besides having her thick, curly hair and intense violet eyes you also inherited her flexibility, something you kinda kept quiet about, people really didn't need to know that you could bend over backwards and shit. Just something you did in your down time, like jugglin' or ridin' that wickedass unicycle. Like always about half way the video you forgot the twisted up feels you had for our mother and watched her perform, makeup sparkling in the spotlight. You grin and reach up to your face and flinched after not feeling anything there, feeling kinda panicked you leap up and start to wonder to the bathroom, besides the memory of her in the bathroom the strongest one you had of the smiling dark haired woman was the first time you saw her in costume. All done up in deep metallic purples and silvers, with bells and ribbons as she carefully painted on the sparkling cream around her eyes and on her lips. She was always happier with her paint on...

"Gamzee! GAMZEE OPEN UP!" You heard someone shout, you were so caught up in your train of thought you couldn't hear someone banging on the door. Walking back into the living room you opened the door to see Karkat's pale face.

"Hey motherfuckin' best friend." You grin letting your buddy in.

"For christ sake! GAMZEE! How many times have I told not to answer the door naked!" The tiny albino growled, making you grin wider. "And what the fuck is this?!" He asked slipping a finger through the loop of your collar and tugging.

"Ain't nothin' bro. Nothin' ya' ain't up ta be seein' before." You shrug and pick up a pair of boxers from the floor and slipped them on before tossing yourself on the couch.

"Whats all up with you, motherfucker?" You asked still a little out of it from your pills and memories.

"Just checking on...Is that...Your mom?" Karkat asked calming down and taking a seat beside you, this was only the second time your older bro had ever seen your mom, the first was in a drawing you did back in seventh grade.

"Yeah..." You smile sadly and rest your head against the smaller boy's back, you missed her...her and your sister both, maybe you'll visit them today... Take Tav with you too... but, maybe another time, right now...You just really wanted to be alone today... you weren't up ta' feelin' right and didn't trust yourself around people for too long.

"I always knew you were the offspring of fuckin' circus freaks." The albino teased playfully, sensing that something was up with you. "You look alot like her.." Nodding you wrapped your arms around the pale teen, shaking. You were really not yourself today...you weren't Him but, you weren't you either...or at least... not the you most of your friends knew. Sighing Karkat threaded his fingers between yours and squeezed lightly, like he did when the two of you were dating. Your moirail was the best anyone could ask for, he knew almost everything about and could probably figure out what was going through that rotted think pan of yours quicker than you yourself could.

"What did up'nd want ta' get your check on 'bout?" You ask kissing the area where you knew where your mark was.

"Tavros..." The albino blushed and tensed under your touch. "I was just wondering how the two of you were doing..." It was odd for Kar to be so soft and quiet, something was going on with him too but, you knew he wasn't one to be questioned about his problems, he'd talk when was ready... I the mean time you took comfort in the now rare physical contact your best friend offered, letting yourself slip away into the familiar scent and warmth that was Karkat.

* * *

Sighing you relax and lean forward under the weight of the lanky teen. You were afraid for him.. He seemed sober, and upset.. Did Tavros tell him yet...? You hated keeping secrets from Gamzee and in all honesty you hadn't really wanted to keep your relationship with the dust and copper teen but, you were scared of being alone... ever since Gamzee had moved out and Dad had died you were scared of the small empty house, in a quiet neighborhood where everyone looked at you like a circus freak. You were scared someone would try to hurt you again... You needed someone to be there, to protect you, to make feel safe... Terezi tried but, your constant need to around her clashed with her more rebellious nature...And Gamzee had more than protected you, he loved you... you just couldn't meet his needs... Now the only person you had left to you was Tavros... and that was a mistake! Tav was crazy over the messed up clown but, you couldn't give him up... You didn't want to hurt anyone but, you didn't want to get yourself hurt again either. You tense as you remember being chased home after dark, being followed after school. The threats, taunts and attacks...

"You okay Karkat..." Gamzee asked placing another kiss on the scar on your neck, a comforting gesture. As many scars and marks your friend and 'brother' had left on you he never meant a single one of them and tried his best to take them all back. Pulling you down so that you were laying on your back beside your best friend he stared down at you with his bright purple eyes he pushed up your shirt and kissed the large deep looking scar above your kidney, the only mark on your body not from him.

"Whatever it is you can up'nd tell me brother. You know I'll up and be ta motherfuckin' listen.." The dark haired teen hushed brushing his fingertips along the puckered pink skin, guilt heavy in his voice. He wasn't there the night you were nearly raped and stabbed by angry pimp who had mistaken you for a hooker. While you were left to bleed out in an alley, Gamzee, who was the reason you were out in that kind of neighborhood, was strung out on heroin in a ditch a few blocks away. Sighing you hug the taller boy to you, how could you tell him? _WHAT ANOTHER FINE MESS YOU'VE MADE FOR YOURSELF YOU IDIOT._ How could you tell him about you and Tavros? That you had stolen the first person he admitted to having red feels for since the two of you spilt? You could still remember the uncharacteristic shy blush across his makeup smeared face as he asked you about the cripple...

"It's nothing Gam, just worried about you... Are your new pills working?" You lied and gently push away Gamzee's hand. The younger boy pulled away from you, crinkled his scarred nose before forcing his face to relax back to it's usual stoner-like expression, without his make-up it was very easy to read the emotions that were usually masked behind the smiling black and white face.

"Yeah...Just, ain't good on my mood... make my pan all tobe...Ugh motherfuck Karkat...I ain't me anymore..." He made a small animalistic noise of pain, his violet eyes clouded. "It's quiet...but, somethin' is there that wasn't up ta bein' before..." The frighten, pained whimper grew louder in your friend's throat. He was lying, it may be true the voices could quiet but, weather Gamzee knew it or not...there was another side to him... a violent darker side that scared everyone who had seen it...

"It'll be alright...Just.. do as the doctor told you alright? And stay off the hard shit..." You say softly, squeezing his wrist and feeling the hardened veins beneath the pale flesh.

"Yeah... Look bro..." Gamzee started, his voice getting heavy and coming out rougher than usual. "I'm so...motherfuckin' sorry, for all the times I up'd and fucked up... All the shit I put you through with all my, drugs and runnin around an' away. I didn't mean none of it ta hurt ya'...Just... I wasn't me. The night I hurt you and... all the motherfuckin' scars... wasn't me either." The younger of you two said shaking visibly, you already knew all this...but, you couldn't find it in you to stop the upset teen, this was something hard he had to get out."Fuck...I'm so..." His voice broke briefly before he caught himself and carried on with the same dopey smile and relaxed voice.

"I'm up to bein' so motherfuckin' scared Karkat... Those pills don't work... Not like the pot or heroin did... not like the motherfuckin Oxy and that Soper shit... It just keeps all up ta being quiet... keep Mom from talkin... but," Turning his violet eyes to the light above the two of you, trying to pretend that this wasn't bothering him. That, everything was alright and he wasn't sick."It's too quiet...so quiet... I can up'nd hear myself think...I don't like what I hear now...I don't like what I motherfuckin' think... I want the voices back... the mood swings to stop... I fuckin wanna stop being SO MOTHERFUCKING FUCKED UP!... I just want to..."

* * *

You left the last part of that sentence unfinished, Karkat didn't need to hear that anymore than you needed to say it. You were sick of living this way, tired of being so sick and knowing there was nothing that could fix it. You were so lost, angry and confused and just wanted it all to stop! If it wasn't for Kar and Tav you wouldn't be here right now... They were the only things holding you down, the only things that kept you holding on to that last piece of your self, the one thing you desperately clung to to keep yourself falling of the deep end. Standing you walked back towards your bedroom asking Karkat to drive Tav home, after you woke him up and handed him his clothes, ignoring his mild annoyance to the fact it was nearly two in the morning. You didn't really care right now. You wanted to be alone, needed to away from people. After a short goodbye and a reminder about Nepeta's party later your friends left, leaving you alone. Running your hand through your hair, you sigh and look around for your suite and brush. Have to look decent when you're going to see family.  
End Fall part Two Shatter.


	26. bREAK uP

**Hello guys, sorry not updating school, life and a slutty muse got in the way ^^; but, to make up for it... Upadate x2 COMBO! ^^**

* * *

Being rudely woken up and thrown out after only four hours of sleep wasn't exactly how you wanted to start the day. The added awkward silence between you and Karkat was just making things worse. The small teen refused to look at you as he walked you back to your house.  
"Karkat look"  
"Don't"  
"But.."  
"Just don't!" Karkat growled his voice cracking slightly. "I know alright. I fucking know."  
"I'm sorry..."  
"Don't... look lets..." He paused, straightened his shoulders before he spoke again. "Lets just end this while we're still friends." You peer your short now ex-boyfriend. In the short time you had gotten to know the tiny teen known as Karkat Vantas you learned that when he's quiet he's hurting and when he doesn't try to look you in the face while speaking he doesn't really know what he wants to say.  
"Karkat...I didn't mean to do it. Really. Yes I've liked Gamzee for a very long time but, I've come to really like you too... it's just..."  
"Look you don't have to coddle me like some fuckin' baby alright? You're not my moirail and I'm not stupid. I know you weren't _that_ into me. I just..." Karkat stilled and looked down again but, not before you saw his candy red eyes water. "I'm just sick of everyone fucking running out on me!" He screamed, eyes screwed shut as he shook.  
"You, Dad, Terezi, even Gamzee..! Every single fucking one of you ran out on me... Am i really that messed up!?" The albino shouted, although much quieter this time, voice dying down as he thought about what he really wanted to say. "Am I... Am I really that unloveable...? That much of a freak. A mutant! That even some idiot like you couldn't handle being with me?"  
"Karkat..." You said softly, hugging the smaller teen to you. You couldn't believe it. All this time you spent admiring him, wishing to be him, only to find out he was just as lonely and insecure as you were, it felt like a kick in the chest. Looking down at the messy black hair that was white towards the top and bright red eyes, it was like looking in some really messed up mirror.  
"Hey...hey." You tipped his head up to yours. "Look, I'm sure they all had a good reason for leaving you..."  
"Yeah...except Gamzee. Fucking freak made me leave..."  
"Have you ever asked him about it?"  
"No..."  
"Maybe you should...He misses you." You half lied, anyone could see how Gamzee looked at Karkat or the glares he sent at anyone who even looked at him wrong but, the clown had never really admitted to missing him.  
"Whatever...Look, it's late or... early. Lets just get home we have school later and Nep's party." You nodded and started the long walk to Karkat's before heading down the street towards your own home. So much has happened lately it was hard to believe that school was about to start up again.


	27. SECOND DEATH

"Karkat... Karkat.. Karkat!"

"Urrrrmrha" You growled swatting away the hand that was shaking you awake. You hadn't slept very well this morning, getting home at four and getting up at six. Now half alseep on the desk in front of you, you had the sinking feeling today was going to be a shitty day.

"Come on Kar, wwe're gonna be late." Eridan said, earning another growl as you sat up and rubbed your forehead. You heard a cackling giggle and the clack of heels as Terezi leaned over your desk.

"You're in my seat Karkarkles." She grinned. Without a word to her you rose and turned to Eridan's grinning hipster face.

"We have next hour together right? What's the class again?"

"2-d art wwith . Didn't Gamzee sign up for that course too?" You nodded and shoved your books into your bag. Gamzee hadn't shown up for the first three classes of the day and it didn't look like he was coming in anytime soon.  
When you got to class the day got a lot shitter, the only person that you knew other than Gamzee was Eridan and you ended up being seated together on account of arriving late. _WELL THATS JUST FUCKING GREAT_. Class was easy all you really did was sit around while the freaky skull faced teacher tried to get everyone's attention, after a good twenty minutes she had gotten enough people quite enough to start.

"Hello class. Today's oUr first day so I thoUght that everyone shoUld introdUce themselves." She said with a toothy smile as the rest of the class groaned. "Karkat yoU go first. State yoUr name and something interesting about yoUrself. It all went by pretty quickly and without a hitch until Gamzee walked in, causing many people to giggle or whisper to each other and you could see why, your best friend was wearing bright sparkly purple makeup around his eyes and lips rather than the usual grey-violet and was wearing actual jeans for a change.

"Mr. Makara. Nice to see yoU're well, here hand me yoUr pass and tell Us aboUt yoUrself." Ms. Calliope said happily as Gamzee head over to her.

"'Sup motherfuckers." Gamzee started and much to your surprise Calliope said nothing about the use of language. " I'm Gamzee Makara and I'm one crazy ass motherfucker." He said with a dopey half smile that you saw right through. The clown wasn't feeling right and you could tell from his clear violet eyes he was more sober than he was the day you first met. The teacher thanked him and announced that the rest of the class would be spent doing free sketches as Gamzee took a seat beside you.

"So Gam.. I wwas wwondering, wwhe-" Erida started but, when he noticed the way the taller teen was staring at the paper in front of him. Sending a questioning glance over at you he mouthed 'Is he alright?'. You shrugged and leaned over to see the finished drawing sitting in front of your friend. It was a charcoal sketch of a stained butterfly blanket laying on the ground and a small, thin shadow of a person across it. Gamzee just stared at it with wide frightened eyes and shook softly.

"Gamzee...?" You asked slowly it was clear he was upset and hadn't taken his medication in a while, you had to be careful not to trigger a rage or fit. "Hey..."  
Gamzee just shook his head and started to cry. Without thinking you pulled him into your arms and silently grabbed the drawing crumbling it up.

"Shoosh...Hey..Hey Little brother. Shoosh. It's alright...Just another bad dream... Shoosh, shush now okay? Just close your eyes. It's all a bad dream." You said and you felt the younger teen fist your shirt. "Eridan let the teacher know that we're leaving for bit. Medical emergency." You continued in the same soft voice, pulling away from your friend only to help him out of the classroom and into a nearby bathroom, where you'd be less likely to pull Gamzee off of some idiot who tried to start shit.

"She's dead." Gamzee said flatly staring at the tiles under his feet. Sitting in a sink well out of striking range you felt it was safe enough to try and figure out what happened.

"Who Gamzee?"

"Mayrin!" He snapped and swung at a mirror hard enough to send glass splinters across the room. " I fuckin' let her die again." He sobbed and hunched his shoulders over, wrapping his arms around himself and looked up at you with clear violet eyes. Right now being cleaner than has been in eleven years he was more, lost confused and scared than he's ever been. It hurt. Seeing him try so hard to get a grip on himself. It hurt knowing it wasn't working, that nothing was working and he wasn't ever going to get better.

"But... your sisters been dead for years.." You tried to explain. Gamzee just got angry but, managed to stay in control enough not hit you as he dug his black painted nails into his arms.

"NO! She is but... I SAW HER! I MOTHERFUCKING SAW HER! She was happy and alive and...I LET HER DIE AGAIN!" This time he snapped and drug his nails down his arm, scoring deep raw lines in his pale skin. "I can't do this any more Kar... I MOTHERFUCKING CAN'T!" He screamed but, still managed to only take his fear and frustration out on nearby mirrors and stalls.

"Gamzee stop! Gamzee!" You pleaded as watched him grab his face a, bubbling giggle and twisted smile stretched beneath his hands. He was going to hurt himself! Claw his eyes out or something! GODDAMNIT KARKAT THINK! STOP HIM! "GAMZEE YOU FUCKASS MAYRIN'S BEEN DEAD! SHE WAS NEVER ALIVE YOU IDIOTIC ASSCLOWN!" You screamed in his face. He stopped giggling but, the smile stayed on his face.

"Better fuckin' up'nd hide motherfucker." Taking his hint you run into the largest stall with him coming after you, you stopped short and Gamzee slid into a wall inside the stall. Using the small distraction to your advantage you quickly locked and crawled under the door, putting a large trashcan in front of it for good measure.

"MOTHERFUCKER! KARKAT YOU BETTER FUCKING LET ME OUT!" He screamed and banged on the door, you sat with your back to the trashcan and legs braced against the wall across from you. "I'LL KILL! SPLATTER YOUR MOTHERFUCKING FILTHY MUTANT BLOOD ALL OVER THE FUCKING WALL." He roared and you felt a jolt as he threw himself at the door trying to get at you. You leaned your head back and tried to think of a way to calm him down.

"I FUCKING HATE YOU! ALBINO LITTLE SHIT!" I don't care Gamzee. You thought. I don't care if you hate me. If you mean everything you're saying right now. I don't care if you kill me. As long as you stay angry with ME. As long your mad at me you don't have time to hate or hurt yourself. Tuning out the curses, threats and banging you closed your eyes and started to sing. Didn't that freak always ask you to sing when he was upset?

_"Step one you say we need to talk. He walks you say sit down it's just a talk. He smiles politely back at you. You stare politely right on through. Some sort of window to your right. As he goes left and you stay right_  
_between the lines of fear and blame_." You started quietly but, once the first verse rolled out the rest soon followed and you soon were able to let go enough to listen to steadily slowing thumps and blows behind you.

_"As he begins to raise his voice, you lower yours and grant him one last choice; drive until you lose the road or break with the ones you've followed. He will do one of two things...He will admit to everything or he'll say he's just not the same and you'll begin to wonder why you came. Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend, Somewhere along in the bitterness and I would have stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life._" You sang softly letting the last notes fade away as you carefully moved the trash can away and following old rules Gamzee had enforced you knocked on the door.

" 'Twice if it's safe..." You said resting your hand on the now heavily dented stall. Two knocks from the other side sounded before the door unlocked. Smiling softly you pushed it open to see your little brother sitting on the floor, head resting on his knees as he sniffled like a little kid.

"I'm so sorry Karkat." He sniffled and looked up at you, one of his scars had spilt and he had blood dripping down his face but, didn't even care. " You're not a freak or a mutant. And...And I don't Hate you..." Tears welled up in his eyes as you carefully pressed a fingertip to his reopened scar.

" Shoosh. I know Gamzee. Your dumbass tells me every time you say something you don't fucking mean." You joked and tried to get a smile out of your friend as you helped him up.

"Hey. Kar, is it safe?"

"Damnit Eridan! What the hell are you doing here?!" You growled.

"Wwell, class ended about ten minutes ago... Calliope wwrote the three of us a pass and told me to check up on you."

"How long have you motherfuckin' been here bro?" Gamzee asked finally noticing the blood and tried to wipe it off. Only smearing it across his face and getting face paint in it, causing him to jerk and swear loudly.

"Long enough. You should really join drama club Kar. You'd be great." You groaned and started to yell at the stupid hipster gaining a laugh from Gamzee, who walked out of the bathroom.

"Hey! Gamzee! Where are you going?" You asked. He just shrugged and kept walking.


	28. cEnTeR sTaGe

It was the start of the new semester and you should probably be at lunch finding all your friends but, here you were checking and repairing the props from the drama club's upcoming play. It was your favorite and you really hoped you got a main role this year. Frowning slightly at a large tear in one of the costumes you grab a spool of thread and started sewing it close. Kanaya did an amazing job on giving a lot of the costumes a new look but, she only had so much time so could spend on them so a few still needed some fixing up. You were so caught up in your work you hadn't even noticed someone had come in and was wondering around the stage until they started making a bunch of noise. Getting a little frustrated you got up and went to investigate.  
"_Ladies and Gentlemen! Boys and Girls! Step right up, Step right up! Come closer!_" You heard from the other side of the curtain. Pulling it open a tiny crack you saw a person standing center stage facing a non-existent audience. "_You won't believe your eyes behind this curtain witness something you've never SEEN Before, HEARD Before, DREAMT BEFORE! THE MOST AMAZING SHOW ON EARTH! _" The figure threw his arms out wide and beckoned crowds only he could see as he stretched a hand out to them.  
"_Do you want want to be Wildly Entertained? People to Know your Name? Do YOU CRAVE FAME? Well, they say things aren't always what they seem to be..." _You watched drawn in by the loud, inviting voice of what could easily be the ringmaster at a world famous circus. The dark haired teen's voice changed slightly, it was still inviting but, something was off... Just enough to sent off little warning bells in the back of your mind as he counted to welcome people to his carnival. "_Even your greatest fantasies! YOU BELIEVE your EYES! WON'T EVEN RECOGNIZE! The Wonderment that lies.. behind the Shimmer and the Lights!"_ Again the voice changed, taking on a harder, darker edge but, the tone was still just as warm and inviting as always.  
"_Is it true what they say? Is it all just fun and Games? Or IS THERE MORE behind the Makeup and the Faces Full of paint? So I Ask You: DO YOU WANT TO COME AND PLAY?" _He asked the would be frightened and trapped audience before lowering his voice. "Get the world to come and play..." He said quietly, almost afriad and you recognized the voice.  
"g-Gamzee?" You asked and the boy in front of you turned looking wild and surprised before letting a dopey smile creep across his...blood smeared face. It was really starting to get to you how often you would find your friend covered in his own blood.

"HeYy Tav! What is a motherfucker all up to be doin' back here? Doncha up'nd want to get some motherfuckin food or some shit?" Gamzee asked his violet eyes clear but rimmed red and his makeup heavily smeared.

"o-Oh yES! I do but, uh, I thought that i-I would h-Help Kanaya out and um, w-Well f-f-Fix some of the costumes before um, she uh, gets them." You flushed, you had been so caught up in Gamzee's performance you had forgotten why you were here in the first place. "Umm...g-Gamzee?" You started and tried to find your stage voice, it was a lot easier to talk normally now but, for some reason Gamzee made you stutter.  
"Yeah Tav..?" He asked gaining the usual rumble in his voice returned as he wrinkled his face and rubbed one of his scars. Forgetting your question you grab your friend and led him back stage.  
"h-Here. Let me h-Help clean your cuts. If um, that's okay..." Flushing you watched the lankier teen tug off his shirt and take a seat on the makeup counter.  
"Sure bro." He smiled lazily but, something was off about it. Carefully dabbing off the already worn face paint and the blood you noticed how quiet your best friend had become. Looking at his now clean face you could see how puffy his eyes were and the long tear along the scar that had almost taken his right eye.  
"g-Gamzee...Are you uh, a-All right?" He looked upset, worse than you've ever seen him before. It was clear he had been crying pretty recently and from the way he was acting he seemed pretty sober. It took a moment before the words seemed to sink in but, the taller teen nodded.  
"Yeah Tav... Yeah... everythin's just motherfuckin' fine."

_wHaT's WrOnG wItH mE?_ Why were you lying to all your friends? Why did everything hurt? _i WaNt To BuRrY iT...trap it, kill it, burn it... JUST MAKE IT STOP!_ Everything hurt. Your heart, your head...and it just. Just wouldn't stop.. You felt sick and helpless to stop it. Everything was too quiet, after years of the screaming, the crying and night terrors. After not be able to hear yourself think, the silence was unbearable...It let you hear all the thoughts you had forgotten, realize things you never wanted to know.  
"Gamzee..?" Tavros asked gently tipping your head down to look in your eyes. Worry was plastered on his face as he watched every facial tics and shift of your eyes. You wanted the noise back! You didn't like the thoughts you had as the copper colored teen wrapped his arms around you and pulled you into a hug.  
_kill him_  
_nO!_  
_PAINT THE WALLS WITH HIS BlOOD_  
_nO! nO! i WoN't! i DoN't WaNt To!_  
_pretty colors inside_  
_ALL THE MOTHERFUCKING MIRACLES _  
_will drip from his veins _  
_sToP! StOp! sToP sToP sToP! STOP!_  
_THE MOTHERFUCKER IS SCARED_  
_so pathetic... just die_  
_i'M nOt WoRtHlEsS.._

"Gamzee...?" Tavros squeaked hugging you tighter as you cried. "w-Whats wrong? Why are you crying?" You just shook your head. How could you?

"I'm fine Tavbro... just... just all up'nd heard some wicked bad news is all."

* * *

**Sorry for another cliff hanger (not really but, ^^) I feel bad for our poor little Bard TT^TT I'm so mean to him... Well on the plus I ****_MIGHT_**** be able to get some work done this weekend so stay tuned! ^^ of and please check my new story Secrets if you'd like. It's kinda fun story filled with randomness but, it keeps the block at bay and it's fun ^^ and who know it may turn out good so gives me some feed Back ^^ well gonna go this note is WAYYYYYYYYYYY to long**

**bye for now Knox ^^**


	29. Ruffio

Cancer patient dies after seeing heaven.

In local news today a young girl dies after a 6 year battle with cancer. 12 year Anna Mathews died today after receiving a sneak peak at what she called 'Heaven'.

" I never thought it would be so much fun!" She told reporters at the time before her death. After interviewing her and several other children at Saint Mayram's Hospital they all reported that a clown would come in every few weeks and offer a glimpse of his carnival styled heaven, featuring bright purple tents countless cans of Faygo and circus acts. Little Anna said to have loved The Bard's act.

"He[the bard] sung so pretty even if his voice sounds a little funny. And he always pass out treats or coloring books." None of the patients felt comfortable revealing the good samaritans name but, the doctors stated he was an Ex-patient and had a special bond with Anna.

"They were like siblings! He even came in on her birthday with a cake and presents. It's shame that she died soon after him stopping by again. Anna really loved her 'Big bro' and the clown really looked after his 'wicked lil' sis'" A nurse said with a remorseful face.

Anna died at 10:45 Am this morning after a surgery to remove the life threatening tumor went wrong. No word from the Bard or how's he reacting to this.

_  
"Anna... Hey Rufio ain't that the motherfucking bitch that OUR little bard was with in the hospital?" Arakam asked noting the headline as he scored another line in his overgrown forearm. The red bands there were now think and raised ridges that gave him a even darker edge.  
"Calling a deceased child a 'bitch' isn't exactly called for." You called without turning to him. You were much happier watching the mined and signed conversations between Kurloz and Meulin as she giggled and squealed with every sign and polite smile Kurloz made.  
"Is it the motherfuckin' bitch or not?" He snarled.  
"Yes. I believe it is." I snapped and turned back to the bubbly couple sitting across from you, Kurloz shot you a dirty look as your gaze lingered on Meulin for a little longer than it probably should. He worried too much, Meulin didn't have eyes for anyone but, him. "Meulin." You waved your hand to get her attention. She turned her head towards you, making a confused face and tilting her head like a curious cat.  
"Could you teach me how to do that." You spoke slowly and just a little louder than normal. Meulin had just enough hearing left to help her read lips. Smiling she waved you over much to both Makara's displeasure. Placing a hand to your throat and one on hers. "Hello, what's your name?" You asked and she smiled.  
"Hello, I'm Rufio and your name is?" Meulin said sweetly and in the right tone for once taking a hand off her throat and slowly moving your hand through the motions to sign the phrase.  
"How do you do Rufio again?" Grinning brightly she showed you again slower this time and went through another set of motions, repeating them slowly until you picked up on the hint and copied them. Kurloz snarled and left in a huff, signing something to Meulin that made her frown. "What did I do?"  
"Nothing, I think he doesn't like you." She said with her hand to her throat. "He's still very upset about the accident with Marquise and Mituna..." Bowing your head you nodded and left yourself, saying something about getting stuff around for tonight's performance. You couldn't hate Kurloz for blaming you. If you had shown up at the gig when you promised Marqi would still be alive and Mituna wouldn't be so messed up. Now your girlfriend's laying in a pit and Mituna can't hardly get around anymore because you'd rather get high off acid than help your friends out. Sighing you called up your little cousin to check in on him.


	30. cALL

**This is kinda a filler chp but, I'm workin on the next one already so please bare with me ^^ it's the Holidays and it's hard get things done when everything is so busy **

* * *

Your phone went off in the middle of class scaring both you and your biology partner senseless. Excusing yourself you headed out into the hall and took the call.

"Hey Tavy,"

"Rufio!" You grinned. "h-How are you? I heard you guys are p-Playing at Nep's party."

"Yeah... Hey your stutter's getting better."

"Oh... Yeah! d-Drama class h-Helped alot. I'm quite glad I listened to you."

"HAha, told you it'd help."

"Yeah...Hey Rufio...is something wrong? you never call during school.." There was a long pause on the other end before your cousin spoke again.

"I'm fine.. hows' the little Makara? He getting any better...?" Now it was your turn to get quiet. After Gamzee's breakdown backstage you weren't so sure anymore... Something was wrong with him but, you just couldn't figure out what.

"He's sober..."

"...Is that a good or bad thing...?"

"I don't know...He's been acting weird even for him..." You said, unsure of what else to say.

"Fuck..." Rufio swore and you heard something bang in the background. Something was definitely up.

"w-What's the matter?"

"Nothin' just go back to class and...keep an eye on Gamzee kay? He's got alot things goin' on with him and just really needs a friend." The line disconnected and you frowned at the phone and walked into class.

_wHAT ELSE COULD GO WRONG?_ You thought as your teacher placed a frog in front of your lab station.

* * *

**Enjoy your Hollidays! Hopefully I'll update here soon for you guys!**


	31. Mayrin

**Hey guys ^^ here's a late 12th petagree present ^^ sorry for not updating if having a small case of block but, I'm going try and work through it! Loves ya**

**~your quirky writer Knox**

* * *

~adiosToreador began pestering carcinoGeneticist~

AT: uM,,,, hEY kARKAT, iS gAMZEE OKAY?

AT: hE SEEMS REALLY MESSED UP LATELY }:(

CG: I KNOW I THINK HE'S OFF HIS MEDS...

CG: I'M REALLY WORRIED ABOUT HIM I EVEN THINKING ABOUT SKIPPING NEPETA'S PARTY TO KEEP HIM AWAY FROM HIS FAMILY.

AT : yEAH,,,,, wHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM BEING AROUND HIS FAMILY? HE TALKS ABOUT HIS SISTER ALOT...

CG: WAIT WHAT!? HE *ACTUALLY* FUCKING TALKED TO YOU ABOUT MAYRIN!? THAT ASSCLOWN NEVER TALKS TO ABOUT HER WITH *ANYONE* NOT EVEN ME!

AT: oH,,,,,,, iS HE NOT ALLOWED TO?

CG: NO YOU MORON! HE JUST DOESN'T TO. LOOK THE REASON I KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS IS BECAUSE KURLOZ TOLD ME WHILE HE WAS IN PRISON.

AT: wAIT,,,,kURLOZ WAS IN PRISON?

CG: YEAH SOME POSSESSION CHARGES. BUT THATS NOT THE POINT. LOOK WHEN GAMZEE WAS JUST A KID HIS BROTHER ARAKAM WOULD BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF HIM JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT. I GUESS HE'S EVEN MORE FUCKED UP THAN HIS LUNATIC BROTHER IS BUT NO WOULD BELIEVE GAMZEE ABOUT BECAUSE HE WOULD HAVE THESE *FITS* WHERE HE WOULD JUST ATTACK HIMSELF AND OTHERS SO THE BASTARD GOT AWAY WITH IT.

CG: WELL EVENTUALLY KURLOZ GOT ON ARAKAM FOR IT AND HE STOPPED BUT, THEN HE STARTED LYING TO GAMZEE AND HIDING HIS MEDICATION SAYING THAT GAMZEE WAS THE ONE WHO WAS HURTING *HIM* INSTEAD THE OTHER WAY AROUND AND IT REALLY FUCKED GAMZEE UP. HE'S GOT LIKE TWO PERSONALITIES BECAUSE OF IT AND NOW HE THINKS THAT HE REALLY *WANTS* TO KILL ALL OF HIS FRIENDS.

AT: oKAY,,,,, bUT, uM,,,, wHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH HIS SISTER?

CG: I'M GETTING TO IT!

CG: WELL AFTER HIS SISTER WAS BORN GAMZEE WAS KINDA FORBIDDEN FROM GOING NEAR FROM EVER GOING NEAR HER BECAUSE HIS MOTHER WAS CONVINCED THAT HE WAS VIOLENT AND DANGEROUS SO SHE KEPT MAYRIN AND HERSELF AWAY FROM HIM.

CG: KURLOZ KNEW IT WASN'T TRUE SO WHEN THEIR MOM WAS GONE HE WOULD LET GAMZEE HOLD HER AND WATCH HER. THOUGHT NO HARM COULD COME FROM IT. WELL ONE NIGHT THE THREE OF THEM WERE OUT STAR GAZING WHEN KURLOZ WENT IN TO CALL MOM TO TELL HER OFF OR I DON'T KNOW TELL HER GAMZEE WASN'T THE MONSTER SHE THOUGHT HE WAS WHEN SOMETHING HAPPENED

CG: I'M NOT SURE WHAT HAPPENED BUT GAMZEE GOT UP TO FIND KURLOZ AND MAYRIN DISAPPEARED.

CG: EVERYONE BLAMED GAMZEE SAYING HE KILLED HER

AT: oH,,,, oH MY gOG,,,,,,,, wHAT HAPPENED,,,,?

CG: NO ONE REALLY KNOWS...

CG: KURLOZ THINKS A COYOTE GOT A HOLD OF HER BECAUSE THEY, WELL GAMZEE FOUND HER BODY ABOUT THREE DAYS LATER AND BROUGHT HER BUT, BY THAT TIME HE WAS CONVINCED HE KILLED HER.

AT: wOW,,,,,

CT: YEAH. GAMZEE WAS PRETTY FUCKED UP BEFORE WE EVER MET HIM.

AT: wHERE DO YOU THINK HE WAS ALL DAY?

CG: I DON'T KNOW. I WOULD SAY OUT SCORING SOME POT BUT, HE'S DEFINITELY SOBER SO WHO KNOWS.

AT: }:(

AT: i'M WORRIED ABOUT HIM,,,,,,

CG: ME TOO TAV

AT: i'M GOING TO GO LOOK FOR HIM.

~adiosToreador ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist~


	32. Party start

**SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING! Yeah sorry. school is gettin in the way but it's my senor year so I can't screw up ^^; But have dubble update for my loyal fans ^^; sorry again.**

* * *

"I wonder when everyone's coming!" Nepeta squealed happily placing light's around her and Equius's shared house. The place resembled more a small mansion than a house as she bounced around hanging up lights and decorations humming music.

"I believe that your invitation said to arrive at seven." Kanaya said from the dining room working on her and Nepeta's costumes.

"Is Gamzee gonna come Karkitty?" Nep purred.

"How the fuck should I know!? I haven't seen him since he flipped shit in Art." You snapped. Just thinking about having Gamzee sober and upset at a party scared thefuck out of you. "You think it's a good idea to have him here?"

"Well... Um..."

"The only reason Nepeta even decided to throw a party was to help Gamzee." Equius said.

"Yeah! It's a Purrrfect way to show everybody he's not dangerous. But..." She said quietly. "Maybe it wasn't such a good idea..."

"It's not that Nep." You sigh running a hand through your hair. "It's just Gamzee hasn't been himself lately. With all the med changes and the accident he's been real torn up inside."

"Have you even seen the capricorn today?"

"Not since art no." Eridan had called you earlier to ask if the two of you were alright and saying that Gamzee really should be institutionalized. You knew that, deep down inside you've always knew that Gamzee wasn't healthy enough to function out in the real world but, the thought of losing your only friend terrorfied you.

"Maybe you should Tav. He always seems to know where he is." Nodding you send a text out to Tavros.

~carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering adiosToreador~

CG: HEY TAV. HAVE YOU SEEN GAMZEE? WE'RE KINDA WORRIED ABOUT HIM.

AT: uMMMM,,,, wELL i HAVEN'T SEEN HIM. i THOUGHT HE WAS WITH YOU.

CG: NO. FUCK. WHERE THE HELL COULD THAT ASSCLOWN RAN OFF TO NOW?

AT: hOLD ON... i'LL CHECK HIS PLACE.

~adiosToreador ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist~


	33. oLD cRUSH

Knocking on the small apartment door you started to wonder if something was really wrong. Gamzee was acting strange, well stranger you guess.

"g-Gamzee?" You called pushing on the door and finding it unlocked. oH. tHATS RIGHT. oPEN DOOR POLICY WITH gAM. Stepping inside you realize this is the second time you've ever been here. Taking a good look around you noticed that the clown had very little furniture. A couch and T.V, a small table in the kitchen but, no chairs. Most of the walls were dented o had large holes in them and some were smeared with red brown stains as well as the carpet.

"Gamzee?" You called walking back into the bedroom, maybe he decided to take his pills and passed out again. Didn't he say they made him tired? As with the rest of the small apartment the was hardly any furniture just a bed and a desk littered with papers and binders. Looking over the desk you noticed a small white crab like stuffed animal. Smiling you pick it up, all of your friends had one of these weird little toys. As you picked up a small piece of paper fell out of it's claw, picking it up you found a drawing of Karkat. He was asleep in his boxers, the large scars on his shoulder and neck were visible. _i WONDER IF gAMZEE HAS MORE DRAWINGS..._  
Taking the binders you sat on the bed and flipped through them, one of the binders was marked with a ":o(" and the other was marked with a ":o)" the last one was blank. Opening the blank one first you found many colored and charcoal sketches of your friends, Kanaya, Nepeta and the others often times just talking to each other and in other pictures they'd be a just still shots of one person or drawings of a circuses. Grabbing the ":o(" binder pictures of gore and murder glared up at you. In most of the drawings the faces of the victims was unseen, while in others the faces of Karkat and yourself stared out with blank eyes. Shaking you put the binder down and open up the ":o)" binder. Inside the countless pictures of Karkat many of them nude, much to your shock, or sleeping, a few of Nepeta and one or two of Sollux. As you start to close the binder a loose piece of paper falls out.

_wHAT...?_

It was plain charcoal sketch of you back in your freshman year, back when no one would really talk to you and you were still confined to your chair. It showed you glancing down shyly with a slight blush on your freckled cheeks as you rolled yourself forwards. Reopening the binder you found drawing after drawing of yourself. Checking the date on the all of them you found that they were all done before Gamzee had become your friend.  
_hE HAD LIKED ME ALL THIS TIME...?_  
"Where'd you go?"


	34. gAmZeE

**Okay sorry if this is a shitty update. I'm starting to get really frustrated with this story *******Growls and rips out hair***** I may not get this one worked out they I wanted but, I'm gonna try and finish it just uggggggggggggggggggggggggggh ! Sorry this was suposed to clear some things up but it's all muddled! Grrr Sorry again just... I'm raging ugh. ~Your pissed off Arthur Knox**

* * *

"Hey motherfucker. What the fuck do you want?" Your older brother sneered at behind demon-like face paint and placed his large hands on your shoulders. His forearms covered in thick raised purple scars.

"You got anything?" You ask avoiding his large blue-violet eyes. Just being here made you sick, the heavy smell of blood and weed reminding you way too much of your more chaotic days. Endless fits of rage and violence followed by a blur of senses from multiple overdoses and drunken blackouts. Worse yet, he was here.

"Have what, Little Bard?" Arakam grinned and pushed you down on the bed. For a second a memory flashed through your loud skull. _nO, tHaTs NoT rIgHt..._ Arakam had never hurt you, it was always the other way around. But... _wHy Am I sO sCaReD...?_ Maybe it was how much bigger he was than you. You could fight against most people just fine without a scratch but, against your older brother you never stood a chance. _i NeVeR fOuGhT ArAkAm tHoUgH..._ Right? Then why were you panicking? Why were you desperately trying to find a way out after searching the town for this damned hotel?

"Just fucking tell me if you motherfuckin' have the shit or not!" You growled, trying to sound brave. If you used to beat him, he should be scared right now.

"Smoked it all Little Bard." He grinned pinning your arms over your head. Your heart started racing in your chest as he called out that nickname once again, making you tense. _i ReMeMbEr..._

_  
"Come here Little Bard." Arakam called pulling you into his room. You were only five or six and had to listen to him when Kurloz was out working. Your half brother sat you down on the bed and pulled out a box of knives that Dad had sent overseas for him.  
"Cool as fuck, huh?" He grinned pulling out a purple tinted blade and handing it to you as the tiny watch Kurloz gave you beeped loudly. Placing the knife on the bed you reach into your pockets and pulled out your pills. The yucky green things made you feel funny and you couldn't eat without puking after taking them but, Kurloz told you it was very important that you did.  
"Give me those." Arakam demanded pulling something out from under his bed. You shook your head hard.  
"Kurloz said I ha-"  
"Had to listen to me. NOW GIVE ME the MOTHERFUCKING PILLS" Arakam shouted making you jump and drop the bottle, much to his amusement. Pushing you down on the bed, he stood up with some rope he found earlier that week.  
"Don't..." You beg weakly.  
"What you don't want to play today?" Arakam laughed and shook your pill bottle. "You have to, if you want these back." Shaking your head you start to cry. You didn't like Arakam's games they made you feel sick and hurt everywhere.  
"No. I don't wanna play today..." You sniffled.  
"I'll tell Kurloz you didn't take your medicine if you don't..." Closing your eyes you nodded, last time you didn't takes your medicine Kurloz was so upset he wouldn't talk to you for the rest of the day.

"You there, Bard?" Arakam laughed as he tied the rope around your wrists and tied you to the cheap hotel bed. Not knowing wether to be relieved or terrorfied you open your eyes, you were so caught up in your memory you hadn't even noticed that he had stripped your hoodie off leaving you cold. _dIdN't KaR aLwAyS tElL mE tO wEaR MoRe ClOtHeS...?_  
"Arakam..." You whispered,shaking. Something was off... This was different from what you remembered.  
_SO WHAT? _Your memories meant nothing. All they did was prove that Arakam had hurt... _hE wAs ThE oNe HuRtInG pEoPlE...nOt Me._ So what? It meant you were the one Kurloz drove to the hospital in the middle of the night. _You_ were the one who got weekly stitches and _you_ were the one who was tortured until you laughed.  
"Arakam please..."  
"What's wrong Gamzee?...SCARED MOTHERFUCKER?"

"Come on... Gamzee pick up!" You shouted into your phone as it went voice mail for the eighth time.  
"Relaxe Tavv. He probably just wwent home and passed out." Eridan shrugged, messing with his crown while Kanaya went back to adding the finishing touches to her costume.  
"No...He would've called if he was about to take his pills." Karkat sighed shaking his head as he snapped his phone closed again.  
"He calls you?" Kanaya asked. "That's rather unusual." Karkat stood fixing his red and grey 'threshecutioner' costume.  
" He calls in case he O.D's again." Watching Karkat pace around the room was started to worry you. The small teen was clearly worried about Gamzee and everything showed it.  
"Maybe he went to a playground again...?" Nepeta suggested. Karkat just shook his head. "I can call Equius and have him look."  
Looking around the room you realized this was the first time all of you are going to be together since Nepeta and Equius got out of the hospital. Hopefully everyone would see that Gamzee didn't mean the things he said or did sometimes. Your phoned beeped making you jump.  
~1 missed message.~  
Hey Lil' cuz. Have you seen the little Makara? Kurloz is flippin' his shit. Guess they were supposed to meet up...  
"Karkat..?" You asked as he picked up his phone and looked through his messages.  
"GODFUCKING DAMNIT!" Karkat shouted and through his phone at a nearby wall.  
"What's wrong?"


	35. pLeA

Choking back cries you stare blankly up at the ceiling as your brother twisted the knife in your arm. _fUcK iT hUrTs..._ Arakam watched you carefully, searching for a twitch, a whimper something that would reveal that he was succeeding in hurting you. You had forgotten how long had been there, bleeding from the large but, shallow cuts across your chest and down your arms.  
"You there?" He asked trying to snap you out of the daze you put yourself in. "MOTHERFUCKER BETTER UP AND ANSWER ME!" He growled and jerked the knife out of your arm.  
"You better motherfuckin' scream...OR I'LL MOTHERFUCKIN' PAINT THE WALLS WITH YOUR MOTHERFUCKING FILTHY BLOOD!" Tensing, you closed your knew this game. He'd hurt you until you screamed and cried out and then make things worse until you'd laugh. iT aLrEaDy FuCkInG hUrTs... The muscles in your arms were burning from being tied for so long. The blood still trickled out of the long slashes and you're vision grew dark. "Or maybe I should get to your little bitch... MOTHERFUCKER WOULD SCREAM FOR ME!" Your eyes snapped open, and you struggled against your bonds.  
"No!" You screamed before you realized. Arakam grinned wickedly and drug the knife down your chest, peeling back skin as it sliced through your stomach, stopping just above your pants. _fUcK_ You thought, letting out a low groan, You didn't care anymore. You just wanted the pain to stop.  
_BUT IT WON'T WILL IT?_ Shaking, a voice rang out from the darkest part of you. The pain wouldn't stop, it would never stop. The scars would heal but, you'd still be sick. You'd still want to kill your best friends. The voices wouldn't ever stop, the pain would never stop, nothing could end this.  
"Kill me..." You begged letting the tears you held back for so long, fall.  
"What?"  
"Kill me...MOTHERFUCKER KILL ME!" You screamed, screwing your eyes shut as the voices clawed away at you.  
_worthless... i KnOw_  
_DIE! pLeAsE... pathetic ..._  
_no ONE would miss you. sToP... PIECE OF SHIT!_  
_jUst pLeAsE..._  
"Kill me"

* * *

**I'm sorry for the cliff hanger! (not really but...) I'm trying to get the next chapter right! I'm working on it PROMISE.**


	36. fIgHt

**Hey guys! ^^ Long time no update. Sorry life and school getting in the way of my fanfics so to make for it UPDATE X2 COMBO!**

* * *

Staring at your phone you sent another frantic message to Karkat. HAVE YOU SEEN GAMZEE?! While you looked through all your missed messages.

~terminallyCapricornus messaged you~

TC: kUrLoZ?

TC: kurloz

TC: MOTHERFUCKER ANSWER ME!

TC: dO yOu HaVe AnYtHiNg?

TC: KULOZ

TC: please...

TC: i DoN'T mOtHeRfUcKiN cArE wHaT iT is.

TC: just...

TC: just...give it to me okay?

TC: I CAN'T MOTHERFUCKING TAKE THIS ANYMORE

TC: tHe PiLlS dOn'T fUcKiNg WoRk.

TC: i can't be like this anymore...

TC: i AlMosT kIlLeD KaR...

TC: kurloz please!

TC: MOTHERFUCKER!

TC: answer me! help me please...

TC: I'M MOTHERFUCKIN SICK OF YOU IGNORING ME!

TC: i'm motherfucking sick of everything...

~End of messages~

* * *

"Are you sure?" You asked as Karkat texted Kurloz back. The small teen looked sick as he tried to find out what happened to Gamzee.

"FUCK! Yes I'm sure! GODDAMMIT GAMZEE!" Karkat swore and looked up you with pain stricken eyes. wHATS HAPPENING? "Call Rufio. See if he's seen him..."

"Karkat...w-What's going on?" You asked pulling out your cell and hitting speed dial.

"Gamzee..." Karkat said quietly. "What the fuck have you gotten yourself into now..."

"Hello?"

"o-Oh! Rufio! Hi l-Look... Have you seen g-Gamzee yet?" You had been so focused on Karkat that you forgot all about the phone call you had just made.

"Lil' Makara? Can't say I've seen 'em, I thought he finally met up with Lozy and was on his way over there. Why... Somethin' happen?" Rufio asked sounding worried.

"That's what we thought too but... he... He never showed up. Kurloz has been trying to find him."

"Shit." You heard your cousin swear. "Look I know this might sound crazy. But..Have you checked with Arakam? I know there's bad blood between them but, Lil' Makara ain't exactly in his right state of mind lately."

* * *

"Kill you?" Arakam asked, a sneer across his face as he dug the knife into your facial scars and jerked down. "MOTHERFUCKER WHY WOULD I DO THAT?!" He roared over your pained screams, of course he wouldn't do that. Killing you would be a great kindness and Arakam was anything but, kind. Groaning you felt yourself start to pass out as the bloody sheets clung to you.

"Please..." You begged, not caring if it soundly like a submission, you had already given up anyways. Growling your older brother pulled the knife from your face and sighed.

"Motherfucker...This isn't fun anymore...WE COULD MOTHERFUCKING PLAY FOR HOURS...before you'd give up like that. FUCKER CAN'T EVEN SCREAM RIGHT..." Arakam went back and forth with himself before turning back to face you. "Maybe that little bitch of yours would motherfucking cry for me. FUCKER WOULD SCREAM BLOODY MIRACLES FOR ME."

TaV... Even through the fog you were in the mention of Tavros brought you back to life.

"Leave Tav alone." You tried to shout but, you could barely talk now. Everything is so fuzzy... "Motherfucker better up and leave my matesprit be." Groaning you tried to sit up and stare your brother down, only to fall back and crack your head on the bed frame.

"HEheheheHEHEHEhehehHEheheh. SO A MOTHERFUCKER DOES HAVE SOME FIGHT IN HIM! Motherfucking miracles..." Arakam said losing the ties around your wrist. "LISTEN UP MY LITTLE MOTHERFUCKER! Ain't going to be repeating myself. IF YOU CAN MOTHERFUCKING GET UP AND HIT ME, I'll let the fucker go. BUT IF YOU CAN'T, that motherfucking bitch of yours is mine."

Groaning you nodded and forced yourself to look directly at your older brother, who only grinned as you tried shaking the darkness that was creeping along the edges of your vision. "Motherfucker touch him and I will kill you." You snarled. Just because you didn't care about yourself didn't mean you'd let anyone hurt Tavros. He was the only thing that mattered right now. Kar was as good as gone, the little albino probably hated you for all the shit you said. Everyone else never gave a fuck about you. They were all like Mom. Claiming to love you, to care for you but, never once looked your way.

Tav... Even if he didn't care... You couldn't... I can't... I can't let him get hurt...

"**That so motherfucker? WELL BEST UP AND TAKE YOUR FIRST BLOW THEN!"**


	37. fORGIVE AND fORGET

_pLEASE...dON'T BE HERE..._ You silently prayed as your cousin pulled into the hotel he and the Makara's were sharing. Looking up at him you he looked grim as he hopped out of the car.

"Stay here." He commanded not that you listened. As the two of you neared the room you could hear screams and banging around as someone laughed and threw something down. "Damnit..." Rufio whispered and look half defeated already. Without thinking you bursted into the room to find Gamzee in a bloody heap on the floor and his elder brother grinning ferally at you.

"Well look at the motherfucker here." He snarled and jerked Gamzee up by the hair. Gamzee's deep purple eyes went wide as he realized you were standing there. "JUST THE MOTHERFUCKER WE WERE LOOKING FOR!" Arakam yelled in Gamzee's ear but, he didn't seem to hear anything. His were glassy and vacant as blood trickled out of the the cuts on his face and chest.

"Let him go." You whispered unable to tear your eyes from your friend. Rufio had already pulled out his gun 'Lance' and had it pointed at the older Makara.

"I will shoot you this time Arak." He said his voice empty, you looked to him and noticed he looked ragged. Like when Marquise died... You thought and realized that aside from Marqui, Arakam was the only person your cousin ever mentioned.

"Kill me like you killed Marquise?" Arakam sneered as you silently stole over to where Gamzee lay staring out blankly at his brother. Pulling him close you look over all damage done to him.

"Gamzee...?" He grinned like the clown he was.

"I'm fine bro." He smiled. "Just alil' dizzy 's'all. Can't kill this motherfucker." You grinned back.

"Tav...?" Rufio called looking sick. "Come on. Lets get the fuck out of here." Nodding you helped Gamzee to his feet.

"Watch yourself Little Bard." Arakam laughed and Gamzee just flipped him the bird.

"Go ahead and call Kar. If he hasn't broke his phone yet." Rufio smiled softly. "You wanna go to the hospital?"

"Nah... Fuckers 'ill just want ta' run test and have me piss in glasses. Just need a shower and some super glue." Gamzee sighed and tipped his head back and pressed his hand to the new gashes across his face. "Motherfucker 'bout got my eye."

* * *

"Are you fucking kidding me!?" Karrat roared into Gamzee's giggling face. "I've have been out of my skull having everyone look for you and your idiot shit faced ass was passed out under your bed!? How? How can anyone other than you be so vehemently stupid as to simply pass out like some wriggling baby under a bed!" He continued causing more giggles. Rufio had decided it was probably best not tell Karkat what really happened. Something about not wanting him to have an anxiety attack.

"Sorry. Can't ya' up'nd let this motherfucker get his party on?" Gamzee grinned even wider. "Come guys lets get this motherfucker started!" He shouted jumping to the air as Sollux hit the music. Grinning you hopped up to join him. Gamzee's right best to just forget it, for now at least, and have a blast.

"Hey wait up!"


End file.
